Project Yancey: Episode 14: Doug Gets His Ears Lowered

Ahhhhhhh RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IT'S GODZILLA A HAIRCUT!  That's basically how we find Doug this week, with a daydream where he is running for dear life away from some scissors that are trying to cut his hair.  After this daydream we find Doug in the mirror realizing that he's allowed his hair (8 hairs to be exact) get too long and hes due to get it cut, but the problem is he hasn't found a barber shop in Bluffington yet.  He's been used to the personal flair of Big Al's Barber Shop his entire life, and has always loved the wait he had his hair cut, so hopefully he could find someone else just like that, but we are gonna find out it isn't always that easy.  Once Doug leaves for his quest for a barber he talks to Mr. Dink, who had also had his hair cut recently (the traditional Bozo the Clown cut) so he recommended his [very expensive] barber shop to Doug, who begins to walk in the direction to check it out.  But before he gets there he thinks better of it and fears that his hair will end up like Mr. Dink's (not flattering) and runs into Skeeter and later Judy, the latter of which is also going for a haircut and shows him to the place she is going.  First of all, this is Judy's hair place, secondly it's named Slash, Burn, and Curl, so its not hard to see that this wouldn't end well for Doug.  He goes in anyways, but after seeing all the weird hair styles in there he had to bail before Judy could introduce him to her barber.  When he goes outside he meets back up with Skeeter, and Skeeter suggests he tries the place in the mall, Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, and it would be perfectly fine as long as he doesn't end up getting his hair cut by Fluke.  After a short wait it is time for Doug to get his hair cut, and he is seated next to none other than Patti Mayonnaise (who is reading a magazine entitled "Perm", suddenly everything makes sense), but by some accident he ends up with Fluke herself!  It doesn't seem so bad at first until Fluke proves her name is completely indicative of how she ended up on Earth, and starts telling Doug he needs a perm, highlights and mousse, none of which would fit.  Doug again feels the need to bail as that situation was getting out of hand, and Roger (who was making fun of Doug for a few minutes, but his appearance seemed a little forced) happily takes the spot, obviously not knowing Fluke's reputation.  So Doug is alone again on the search when he happens to run into a nice barber, who offers to give him a haircut for free since he would be the first customer at his new shop, Joe's Barber Shop.  After having his hair cut perfectly, Doug tells the barber he reminds him of Big Al from Bloatsburg, who coincidentally enough, is Joe's cousin!  So Doug managed to find a new Mr. Sweeney (anybody else wonder if this is a nod to Sweeney Todd?) to cut his hair, and all is well.

World's greatest highlights, courtesy of Fluke

For most of my life I've maintained the same hair style, and usually am pretty cyclic about getting it cut on a regular timeline.  I have also been accustomed to going to the same little place back home, and found the chain places (such as cost cutters and super cuts) are horrible, but I'm pretty simple so as long as you can not leave me waiting too long and buzz my head correctly we won't have any problems.  This leads me into talking about how I've had my hair cut since being at college, since I could no longer conveniently go to the place back home.  My freshman year was interesting, I decided to grow my hair out just to see how it looks long, I believe I went approximately September to the following May without a haircut, and only got it cut because of a previously stated promise.  It managed to grow to about 5 and a half inches long at least, and looked very reminiscent of a helmet.  It was both a total mess and a complete burden to me, and I will never go that route ever again in my life (no wonder my freshman year of college wasn't exactly successful in the dating realm, I looked like a total dork.)  So after finding out my friend was not single any more, and getting tired of the emo hair flip, I consulted my friends and got a haircut from none other than one of our local foreign students who had never cut hair before.  It didn't end up looking completely horrible, but I did get a few comments from my dad about it looking quite bad, and I went to the barber shop to get it fixed up once I got home.  I have since then never allowed my hair to even get to the point where it is visible to myself.  I think that is likely for the best for both myself and the entire world around me.  Having said that I would be willing to hear out new hairstyles anybody thinks would look good on me so tell me if you have any ideas (warning: if you say fauxhawk I will hit you).

I didn't look nearly this cool with that hair, it was most like Paul's for the record

Project Yancey: Episode 13: Doug's Cool Shoes

We find Doug in a tight spot, in his basketball game he's at the free throw line at the end of the game when his team is down one point, but he gets successfully psyched out my Roger and his buddies by pointing out Doug isn't even wearing cool shoes.  As devastating as a blow this is Doug doesn't really start worrying until we hear another plight in the saga of Skunky Beaumont (deserving of it's own series altogether, maybe I'll do it when I'm done Project Yancey), all the girls think Skunky is really cute, but his shoes are a deal breaker, and if he had cool shoes he'd be getting all the girls he wants.  Skeeter also adds insult to injury by showing his shoes off to a girl who totally digs it, this causes Doug to become so dejected he even passes up on the opportunity to shoot some hoops with Patti after school.  Even Mr. Dink got some fancy new exercise shoes, and even though he never says it we should assume they are very expensive.  Once things seem to get their worst, all the commercials Doug sees on TV are about shoes!  But one reaches out to Doug, the Sky Davis Air Jets, the shoes apparently worn by Sky Davis who seems to be a pretty good baller, and he is even gonna be at the Four Leaf Clover mall the next day to autograph Air Jets!  Doug goes to the signing but bypasses the celebrity in the store but instead finds a crazy employee lady who measures his feet and even though Doug measures in at a size 6b, she brings him the last pair or Air Jets that are size 24eee.  While she's out perusing the back room, Doug hallucinates that his old shoes are talking to him, and they are very disappointed in his behavior and even draw tears.  Doug finally finds himself at the checkout counter, but he only has enough for one shoe, so he's sent packing and none other than Roger takes the last pair.  Saddened by his misfortune, Doug sits on the bench and pities himself, that is until none other than Sky Davis takes up a seat next to him (how the hell does Doug keep meeting these celebrities at the most opportune times?)  And get this, Sky Davis compliments his shoes and is even wearing a pair much similar except blue, since Doug and Sky are "sole" brothers, they exchange signatures on each other's shoes and Doug feels good about his shoes again.  The next day at school Roger challenges Doug to a 1-on-1 game, but trips and falls due to his comically large shoes, and Doug takes the ball to the other end for a wide open jumper and wins.  So in the end the plain old sneakers prevail, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yo dawg, I don't think those fit.

Shoes, shoes, shoes, oh my god shoes, lets get some shoes...  Okay since I've maxed out on my youtube phenomenon quota for the week we shall leave that at that (but I do enjoy it.)  First and foremost, I really hope girls aren't judging me based on my shoes (unless it's socks and sandals or Crocs) it's pretty lame, plus my shoes are cool.  But on a more serious note, I like shoes, I probably think more about my shoes than most guys, but I think that's excusable.  I have 4 pairs of shoes that I typically rotate around, and wear them based on the clothing I'm wearing (yeah I match it up, you got a problem with that) and have even been known to pick my clothes for the day knowing which shoes I want to wear.  But another interesting aspect is that I am a big fan of Adidas cross-training shoes from the 70s, namely Gazelles and Sambas.  I'm in a transition phase with my black pair of shoes (New Balance 374's which I'm also a big fan of), so only 3 of my 4 shoes are Adidas, and two of them are Gazelles.  The taste runs in my family and my oldest brother is the same shoe size as me so I've worn a few pairs of his to a point where it has almost become an obsession.  I have worn 4 pairs of Gazelles in my lifetime (Navy, Tan, Black, Royal Blue, not nearly enough colors), and 2 pairs of Sambas (Black and white), you know what scratch that last comment it has become an obsession.  They are durable, beautiful, comfortable shoes that can be worn in any situation (save for formal settings), and I am quite sure that I will wear Adidas for the rest of my life.  So in the end, I know where Sky Davis is coming from, even though he has his work shoes (basketball shoes for him), but when he just wants to kick it and relax, he always manages to revert back to his old school simple sneakers, and that's my style too.  So yeah I know this one was kinda boring and it definitely wasn't a story, so consider this an entrance to my mind and how I think, because I do think about these things.  (P.S. Fuck Nike)

Jealousy of astronomical levels!  Totally diggin those white and black ones.

Project Yancey: Episode 12: Doug To the Rescue

  Finally, we get introduced to a hero with patience and intelligence, and underpants over his pants, yes I'm talking about the visitor from the planet Bob, Quailman!  The episode starts with quite an exciting and intense introduction to this magnificent specimen, part quail part human, all hero.  The only thing Quailman is not initially given is an enemy or a damsel in distress, luckily both come together immediately when Mrs. Wingo decides to give the students time in class to work on their book report.  Roger is legitimately begging Patti for the entire class to do it for him and they start to disrupt the class, which is clearly getting on Patti's nerves.  After a little bit of this Klotzilla is born!  Klotzilla is like Godzilla in both name and appearance (save for a leather jacket), but more like King Kong in action as he likes to kidnap women and carry them to the top of monuments (I will never know what purpose that serves.)  Oh and the damsel is Patti if you couldn't pick up on that yourself.  The daydream continues as Quailman comes to the rescue and even though not having the physical prowess to beat Klotzilla, he uses his quail-eye to leave Klotzilla helpless and stupefied.  Once this happens a gracious Patti Mayonnaise comes to thank Quailman with a high-5 (see underrated things list #2) and compliments his belt.  It's once this story ends that Patti and Roger hit critical mass and Mrs. Wingo sends them to detention hall, and Doug and Skeeter are also sent off after Doug basically turns to tell Skeeter that was bush league.  In detention hall, Roger continues to bug Patti, and Doug decides to be Quailman himself, but while he was telling Roger to back off, he turned into Doug's fists and it appeared as if Doug hit him.  This is when the rest of the hooligans in detention decide its time for a showdown.  Doug continues this weirdness of trying to be Quailman, and actually manages to psych Roger out by just being weird and waiting for Mr. Bone to come and break it up (Skeeter sums the moment up best though by saying "Either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a serious gasket.")  It is then that Doug is basically declared the winner and Patti and Skeeter are amazed, and the episode more or less ends with the most triumphant still-frame from the entire series shown below.

Triumph...

Oh yes, we're jumping in the Wayback Machine for this one!

I don't have any secret superhero alter egos (even though I have been told I look like Tobey Maguire, and wish I could be Spider-Man), nor am I completely insane like Doug was at the end of this episode.  But I have found myself in a fight I didn't want that was partially because of a girl.  For this one we need Mr. Peabody to take us to the Wayback Machine (get it, its a Rocky and Bullwinkle joke!) because this story goes back to my freshman year of high school (which I believe is the earliest story to date).  We are gonna dredge up some memories of my first girlfriend (gasp!)  This relationship lasted an amazing 10 days, but its repercussions went about a week longer than that.  While at one of the high school football games with her, I believe my hat got stolen and testosterone (or some adolescent hormone) made me decide to track down who it was.  A whole lot of probably fake stories led me to her ex-boyfriend (leading me to think it was a potential set up).  I was suspicious he had my hat in his waistline and lifted his shirt to check, probably embarrassed by his body he took to swinging at me immediately.  This wasn't a fight, but I sure realized he didn't like me, and I was also kinda bragged about being with that girl at the moment too (as well as my stickly figure.)  A few days later I believe she broke up with me (the "it's not you it's me" routine, I would be willing to bet it wasn't her), but these problems didn't go away.  I heard this kid wanted to fight me and naturally the next football game was the set time and location, I didn't have any particular issue with him.  So the night came and while walking a little with some of my friends, the altercation took place.  I'm happy to say that I got him to the ground pretty quickly, but in the act of amazing badassery told him he wasn't worth it and started walking off.  He decided I was worth it so got up immediately and ran after me.  I knew he was gonna attack high so I just ducked below it and kinda flipped him over my back, and continued walking.  The last of this problem was when I walked off and some kid stopped him from coming after me again saying something along the lines of "seriously dude give it up he would beat your ass."  It was the defining moment of my masculinity, and the birth of my pacifism, so if you do want to fight me, I may be able to get the beat on you (trust me I had 2 older brothers so I know how to defend myself if need be) but you aren't worth it.

This, is not me.

Project Yancey: Episode 11: Doug's No Dummy

I would first like to give kudos to someone from my hometown.  Recently I found out that whoever it was had a picture featured on the show Tosh.0, the picture should be posted below and I would like to tell cupcake boy that hes my idol and I want to give him a great big hug.

Sir you are my new idol! And you love cupcakes!

Recently Doug found out he had talent (even though there is nothing in this episode that suggests so, but we'll let that slide), and it all started in Mrs. Wingo's class when she was handing around the sign up sheet for the talent show, and Roger unwillingly signed Doug's name.  To avoid school-wide humiliation by learning a talent Doug decides to go into the attic to find something in Uncle Happy's old clown trunk (I'm gonna note that the someone named Happy Funnie should be a clown, or a hockey player turned golfer) and finds a dummy whom he names Buster.  The convenient book "How to Become a Ventriloquist in One Day" that was also in the trunk told Doug to pronounce B's by making a D sound, which leads to the catchphrase "The doy dought the dasketdall." Doug gets so excited about this new talent that he decides to give his family a sneak preview, his parents point out amongst themselves that Doug's lips are moving and Judy says some hipster bullshit.  So now Doug goes on into the auditorium at school ready to do his dummy act, that is until he looks out at the crowd and becomes extremely nervous.  Mr. Dink tells Doug hes scheduled to go first, but Doug asks to not be first and Mr. Dink obliges, giving Doug more time to (literally) sweat it out.  While Roger is on stage rockin out with his band, the ulcers, Skeeter loses his ocarina (which gets eaten by Roger's cat), and pulls the old "cat ate the ocarina" excuse, and Mr. Dink says he should be more original next time.  The next to go is Patti, who is a bit nervous, but after a few nice words from Doug goes out there and kills it.  This inspires Doug to go out there and give it hell, but Mr. Dink doesn't hear Doug and has Chaulky go next, who is doing a double (don't say rainbow, don't say rainbow) dummy act, this really sucks for Doug.  And when Doug finally goes out we get a cut to someone in the crowd who's first reaction is "Oh no not another ventriloquist" and gives the thumbs down.  Once Doug thinks this is bad, Buster's head comes off and Judy says some more hipster bullshit.  Doug's next resort is to sing the eency weency spider song, until Skeeter comes to the rescue and acts out as the dummy's head!  This massively helps Doug and everything (once again) turns out right.  Also I allowed Doug's original comment to slide because he does admit he didn't find out his talent after all.

Kids got skillzzzzzzzz!!

I got talents.  I will mess you up in a game of billiards.  You stand no chance in a game of Mario Golf.  I'm a pretty solid goalkeeper.  I'm so polite and likable that the guy at the sub shop gave me a sub for free.  In the words of Mr. Daniel Tosh (if I didn't forget my honorary ode at the beginning this should be my second mention of Tosh for those of you counting at home) "I'm better than you. Nana nana boo boo, stick your head in doo doo."  But I'm gonna defer these awesome aspects of myself because I can tell a drinkin' story and I haven't told one in some time.  Back home I've found myself to be something of a talent at what some like to call pong, some also like to call it beiruit (I know every guy brags about their skills but I'm for real.)  Teams that I was on hold the house records at a majority of the friends' houses that I typically party at, and have an unreal record in lefty-righty games, which for those who don't know that's when your left hand and right hand act as teammates.  This also translates to my life at college but I don't play a lot here because it just seems really unsanitary to me, even though I did almost naked mile two of my friends while I was shooting lefty-righty.  I also have the joke I always say that I'm Clint Eastwood because "I finish things" (go see Gran Torino if you don't get that joke).  But at risk of sounding like one of those tools who will go on bragging about how they are a "ruit champ" or something like that I'm gonna cut this short and point out my true talent is math and I would wreck you at it.

I finish things.

Project Yancey: Episode 10: Doug, Mayor for a Day

Okay we get off this episode on a wrong note Doug, field trips are boring?  What kind of 11 and a half year old doesn't love to get a day off of school because of a random field trip, I don't care where it is it was always accepted with open arms.  But anyways Doug did like his most recent one, to go out for Student Government Day and follow a government official to see what they do.  But the drag is the part that they need to write a paper, but oh well it's a day off of classes anyways.  The government officials are chosen randomly from a box and everyone is getting jobs that they would enjoy (Sheriff Roger anyone?), but Doug is a little frightened by his, he got the Mayor.  It is true that Doug isn't exactly leadership material, but he shouldn't be so bummed, well at least not until Mr. Bone tells him his paper better be good, or else it's going on his permanent record!  Doug breaks into daydream land as a television news interviewer with the Honorable Mayor Robert "Bob" White, when he is pulled out of his trance by the Honorable Mayor Robert "Bob" White, and his first question is answered with the useless vacillation typically seen in politics.  But the cool thing is the Mayor has an awesome office.  The Mayor is a busy man as the telephone interrupts Doug's first question, "what do you do?"  After some awesome gadgetry, some more pressure from Mr. Bone, and some more daydreaming, Doug gives his interview a second chance, but the phone keeps on ringing.  It appears that Mr. Swirly from the ice cream plant has had some problems with cooling, and there will be no ice cream for Student Government Day! Gasp!  This sends a nervous Mayor White running out of the room to ask his wife's advice and Doug alone in the mayor's office.  Try as he might, Doug cannot resist the urge to sit in the big guy's chair, and even answer his phone!  It's Mr. Swirly again, the cooling fans are back on but there's a major issue, a bunch of chocolate chips are gonna crash into the fans, and he needs to know what to do!  Doug decides he should let the chips hit the fan, which turns out would chop up the chocolate chips and throw them into the ice cream, making Chocolate Swirly (Doug's favorite) and like that Doug had saved the day!  This is when Mayor White returns and the press (namely Patti Mayonnaise) follows to get a quote about Doug for saving the day.  Everything turned out well for Doug, and he even got a free box of Chocolate Swirly from Mayor White.

Tasty Chernobyl.

Oh jeez, me with responsibility and leadership?  The closest I've ever come was I was the upset winner of my middle school Vice President seat over a popular kid.  I followed this fantastic campaign (topped off by my speech being Enrique Iglesias's song "Hero" rewritten and sang by me about the Vice President race), with as my 8th grade year book says "You are the worst Vice President ever!!!" and I most definitely was.  I've also been for two years the captain of my intramural slow-pitch softball team, which basically means I send out emails of when games are.  So in neither of those situations have I actually had much decision making experience.  Even in the realms of friendly plans and relationships, I've always seemed to defer decision making to the others and just kinda go with the flow.  But there has always been one situation that I have always wanted to make the decisions, and to my memory, I've never fully had it.  Years ago when I used to play baseball I was a catcher, this was a pretty good position for me as even though I was never a big kid by any means, it was a good position for someone with a high baseball IQ.  I like to think I had(have) a pretty good baseball IQ, and I was also not too bad at calming down a pitcher when they got a little flustered.  But I never got the opportunity to call the pitches myself, I merely was the relay from the coach to the pitcher.  I want to call those goddamn pitches.  So this isn't as much of a story or an experience as it is me stating an item on my bucket list, I want to catch one more ballgame, and I want to call the pitches.  To celebrate this I'm gonna post two of my favorite catcher moments from movies Rube Baker, and below the #1, the great Crash Davis!

Gift for the '100 Viewer Milestone: Top 10 Underrated List

I would really like to thank everybody for helping me to reach the 100 viewer milestone so quickly, I really didn't expect to get the reception I did get.  To anyone who is looking at this the first time, I hope you enjoy and please come back and bring some friends.  For anyone who is a repeat offender, I appreciate your help and support, and I will try to keep the posts coming for you.  So finally, to show my appreciation, I have an old piece of mine that I wrote for a friend some time ago, my top 10 underrated things.


Underrated list...
#10 Board games
Don't Hate on board games man, they are such an easy target.  Why are they called "bored" games?  Yeah, I've heard that joke millions of times, but really that's what makes them so underrated awesome.  They are something to do, they are entertaining, and you can have a hell of a lot of fun if you know how to play them.  Get the right crew around you, you can create a whole lot more underrated things, to be spoken about later.  Board games that are more than amazing when you know how to do it, Guess Who?, Battleship, and Scrabble.

Does he look like a pedophile? Yes. *No tiles go down*

#9 Pelvic thrusts
Hell yeah, who doesn't love to pelvic thrust?  It doesn't matter what song is playing, what type of music it is, or hell if there is even any music playing, dancing that consists merely of pelvic thrusts is both fun and hilarious.  It's a natural dance, just do what comes to ya, its always cool.  Also, pelvic thrusts are high comedy in many situations (although there are a lot of situations where it will fail miserably.)  Gets ranked down quite a bit because it isn't always publicly acceptable.

#8 Randomly yelling
Better than pelvic thrusts, it gets the blood pumping, it gets you excited, and most of all there is almost no negatives to it.  Of course it is one of those things that are really annoying if you get into a habit of it, so it wears itself off when people start telling you to stop.  But in the meantime it is a definite underrated thing to do when you feel a little bored and there's not a lot of excitement in the life.

#7 Big Daddy
If Adam Sandler could possibly have made an underrated movie in the 90's it definitely would have been Big Daddy.  Oh wait, an imdb search shows that Big Daddy was released in 1999!  It's amazing that how good Adam Sandler was at that time, that you could possibly start to forget any one of them.  But that is the reason why Big Daddy has been able to be underrated, because Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison and the Waterboy are all better, but not a whole lot better.  For as long as I live I will laugh hysterically at this movie because of all the parts I forgot are there.  Oh, and yes, Yoohoo is better with a little Rumplestiltskin!

Initiating Conversation Is really half the battle.

#6 Inside jokes
I mentioned this vaguely in the part about board games, but inside jokes are by far the best jokes there are.  The best and worst part of inside jokes is that you need to watch the company you say it in if you don't want to waste your time.  But of course, since everybody has inside jokes they have found a way to sneak under our consciousness for just how great they are.  Appreciate how inside jokes effect your life, because things would be a lot less secretly funny if they weren't around.

#5 Meatloaf
It's great!  It is meat in the form of a loaf!  No other food is as awesome as the concepts that it was born of, but meatloaf is as awesome as it sounds plus some.  It also has the same forgettable-ness I used to describe Big Daddy, which is really one of the things I love most in this world.  So please continue to hate on meatloaf, because your hate for meatloaf will make your love for meatloaf so much greater when it gets in your mouth.

#4 Being Shirtless
Everybody loves this, if you don't you just don't know that you love it yet.  It brings out the primal awesomeness in everything.  I have reason to believe its why people love the beach, summer and the shower.  It helps me enjoy mornings on the weekend.  It really is self-explanatory.

This guy knows what I'm talkin' about!

#3 Underrated things
I feel like I am the only person on earth who truly appreciates the underrated.  I simply love it when people overlook the greatness of certain things and I'm always there to think to myself, they really need to look deeper at it.  So that's the whole reason I made this list, to point out the things that I love and many people love, but they don't take the time to notice they love it.

#2 High-fives from girls
The only list item that makes it because it is awkward.  You always go in for the high-five all slowly and barely ever follow through, its a completely different story than high-fiving with guys.  It is more like measuring hands than celebrating anything, it also makes you think that good stuff could happen.  The high-five with a girl is undoubtedly awkward, but it is always undoubtedly cool.  My dream is to one day give a girl a man high-five, just to see how it would play out, it may destroy the universe.

#1 Childhood
Who the fuck wouldn't want to that shit again?

Project Yancey: Episode 9: Doug Didn't Do It

Hi journal, it's me, Chase, and do you know what Doug hates?  He hates practical jokes, especially when he is on the receiving end of one.  Especially the practical joke that was played on him by someone who stole Asst. Principal Lamar Bone's Der Grosser Yodelmeister trophy and hid it in his locker.  Naturally once Doug sees the stolen trophy in his locker, Roger comes over and talks about the consequences of Bone finding the trophy in his locker, and Doug somehow doesn't put 2 and 2 together to realize then that Roger did it (don't worry he's not thaaaaaat dumb).  All the evidence is pointing at Doug, so he needs to think of something quick to get him off the hook (like leaving the trophy on a random spot on the floor wouldn't have solved the problem then and there), his first thought is just to go to class.  This plan proves useless as Mr. Bone calls an emergency locker inspection, and while waiting Doug reveals to Skeeter that he was framed just before Mr. Bone smells some funny business with Doug (get it "funny", Doug's last name is Funnie).  Doug manages to hide the trophy shortly under his shirt and gets saved by the bell and rushes away before Mr. Bone had known what happened.  Next, Doug turns to Judy for help, she suggests that he beg for mercy, but someone did that two years ago and it didn't help.  She then suggests Doug pleads insanity, but Skunky Beaumont (the generic character to whom all the bad things on earth happen to) tried that the year before and now he has to meet with the guidance counselor every day, and they finally decide that telling the truth might work.  Roger now tries to finish the frame by sending an anonymous note to Mr. Bone telling him which locker to look in, but this oddly coincides with the exact time Doug plans to bring the trophy back to him.  This leads to a runaround which includes Doug finally realizing Roger did it all along, that ends with Doug leaving the trophy safely back in Mr. Bone's empty office.  But it wasn't a perfect escape as the trophy was in Doug's lunch bag with his name written on it, and Mr. Bone interrupts class (as Mrs. Wingo tells the class to open their books to the page "10 to the second power", love the hidden math jokes in this show) to summon Doug to his office.  After the punishment is handed down, Roger comes to the empty office to tell Doug not to tattle on him, and to explicitly describe exactly how he succeeded in his frame.  The problem with this description was that Roger had his foot on the PA button so the entire school could hear it, especially Mr. Bone.  So just like that the truth had set Doug free and he was off the hook.

You gon git it boy!!!!!!

Getting framed huh?  A very specific topic to touch upon but I think I got some experience.  In my previous story I was basically guilty by association, but managed to get a little help and indifference to not have any repercussions.  I also maintain that I was framed in what I shall now refer to as "the incident" (A.K.A. the low point of my life), but that's a story best suited for another time, if at all.  I'll instead focus on the most applicable framed story, even though it is a little tame compared to the first two.  At the beginning of my first semester I used to keep a wireless router in my room that was unprotected (I don't remember my specific reasons but I felt it was an alright idea at the time.)  Well a little bit into the semester my roommates received what seemed like really urgent and professional e-mail inquiring about who owns the router (myself), so I responded by saying it's mine.  His next e-mail to me was some ridiculously long and intense description about how my router was used to illegally download the popular video game Gears of War.  I love Gears as much as the next guy, but I don't game on my PC, so this is bullshit.  The guy was nice enough to send me the email addresses of each of the people who used my router in the time frame where the game was downloaded, but even after some awesome investigation work I couldn't find the culprit.  The only people I didn't ask were the Lacrosse kids across the hall who never talked to anyone and seemed like they thought they were superior to them anyways.  To expect a courteous act of accepting responsibility from any given one of them seemed about as likely as my crotch spontaneously combusting, and probably more demeaning to my masculinity.  So in the end I bit the bullet and let it slide, so what I might get my IP address blocked if I get caught illegally downloading something, it's not like wireless Internet isn't excessively convenient or something.  Oh shit..


By the way the song in this trailer was THE reason I bought this game the day it came out.

Project Yancey: Episode 8: Doug Can't Dig It

Even in this first extended view of Doug's sister Judy, we realize she is definitely one weird individual.  This is the definite reason why Doug becomes really worried when he finds out she is going to have a performance at Doug's school the next day, and he is going to have to introduce her.  In his imaginings Judy's performance isn't much more than her sitting on a stage with bongos shouting some nonsense about being a washing machine and pink underwear, and concludes with her telling the whole school he loves Patti.  As Skeeter tries to console Doug at the Honker Burger, Judy comes in with her artsy friends doing some weird artsy things, and even Roger is there to realize that if this is a preview of the next day's performance, Doug is going to be buried.  It's now that Doug goes into attempting to talk Judy into cancelling mode, his first attempt is to use "psychology" but quickly learns that "psychology doesn't work on older sisters."  He then resorts to fake phone calls as a very famous producer, J.B. Hunkamunka, to tell her that the performance is a bad idea, surprisingly she knows this call is from Doug, and tells him he'll thank her tomorrow.  We now get a flashback to the last time Doug and Judy were on stage together, she was plaque and he was a toothbrush, and he got embarrassed when she decided to do a really extended and ridiculous death sequence after being brushed out.  The time of the performance finally comes along and Doug is still without an excuse, so he sits on a bench to think it over.  Thinking he was going through the door to go outside to get some fresh air, Doug walks backstage just in time to hear Judy tell Mrs. Wingo that Shakespeare's first performance was for his brother's grade school (I don't think that's historically correct.)  And then as Judy is being forced to stage without a proper introduction, Doug does the right thing and makes his presence known.  In the end, he introduces Judy and even Roger liked the performance, and most importantly, he was not embarrassed in front of the entire school.

What a freak!!  The facial expressions say it all.

The moral of this episode is when it comes to family, just go with the flow.  As I've explained earlier, I come from a moderately large family as the third of four children.  But I never had quite a situation like this, my oldest brother was too old to be in school at the same time as me, and my younger sister is too young to have been in school with me.  Which leaves my brother and I, the middle children, to be within a grade of each other, and being in school together for most of our lives.  He wasn't like Judy, he was a popular kid, and if you haven't noticed yet, I wasn't.  It was always a little bit of a strange situation because we both are a lot alike so I felt like a lot of people figured that I would be "cool" like him.  I guess in this failure to live up to expectations was a little embarrassing at times but it was never really a problem.  The weirdest time of complete polar opposites came during his senior year in high school which was my own junior year.  He was chosen to be the unofficial mascot of our school for football games, which involved body paint, shirtlessness, and a cape.  I meanwhile don't think I even went to most of the football games, and even when I was there I wasn't exactly Mr. School Spirit.  So you know what, in the end even though the high school thought he was cool and I wasn't, we get along much better than that suggests, and that's pretty cool.  I apologize for not being able to come up with a clever picture for this part of the article, but I have an excuse to show this video so please enjoy!

Project Yancey: Episode 7: Doug Rocks

There once was a time when Doug Funnie didn't listen to music, but that time was long ago, hes been a huge fan of the Beets ever since Skeeter first played their songs for him and showed him the power of rock.  One day when Doug went by to visit Skeeter, he walked in amidst an extreme air guitar session to the Beets' super hit "Killer Tofu", although he was a little confused at first, once he started to harness the power of his own air guitar, he was hooked and couldn't stop shredding.  After a short time, Doug was trained to become just as big of a "Beetnik" as Skeeter already was (and Skeeter had the wigs, that's really saying something).  Fun fact, much like how the Beatles were originally named the "Silver Beatles", the Beets were originally named the "Pickled Beets".  After almost being killed from the sonicboom emitted from Mr. Dink's very expensive music device, the two buddies run into Roger, the bearer of good and bad news.  The good news is more like excellent news, the Beets are playing a surprise concert in Bluffington that night.  But Roger also comes with bad news, being that he himself had purchased the last two tickets.  Doug and Skeeter are disappointed in this but get a great stroke of luck by being able to win 2 front row tickets to the show by answering 3 trivia questions, and Doug even accidentally got the last one right (Beets Me).  But as is normal in Doug's life the ups come with the downs and Skeeter subsequently gets [in the words of his father] "that thing were you can't leave your room cause I said so", or grounded in layman's terms.  This is where Doug shows exactly where his loyalty is at, instead of deserting Skeeter for this chance of a lifetime (only Patti Mayonnaise can make him do that), he chooses to stick with Skeeter to let him ride out this night of groundedness.  But Skeeter soon becomes ungrounded as the sound from he and Doug having a jam session annoys his father, so they go to the Honker Burger.  Bored by the loneliness of an empty Honker Burger, they start doing some more air guitar, and really get into it.  They get into it so much that they don't even notice that the Beets themselves pull up in the Honker Burger parking lot and start watching them.  But once they do notice the Beets are there, they get to meet them and even (coolest thing ever) have a air-jam session with the band.  The meeting proves short, but the Beets were sure to throw them some tour jackets before they left.  Roger tries to brag about being at the show, but little does he know he doesn't have shit to brag about.



Here's a fun topic, I've been to quite a few concerts in my day, I could talk about my first one, but that can be put aside for now.  I would like to talk about the time I went with a few of my friends to see Pearl Jam.  It was a summer concert so we showed up extra early to do a little tailgating and play some Baggo before entering the arena.  The trip itself was interesting as I believe we got a little lost at one point, but the real interesting part was our lunch/dinner at the local Friendly's restaurant.  We had this like 50-something Eastern European lady as our waitress, and damn she was weird.  She kept on making jokes that were a little strange to us but may have been lost in translation from her native language (like talking about how she wants to eat all of our food as she was placing it on the table).  One of my friends also got an abnormally large spoon for his ice cream leading to a few quotes from the youtube phenomenon "Rejected", mostly the start where a stick figure is holding an abnormally big spoon and just says "My spoon is too big!"  Fast forward to entering the show though, my first two friends had already cleared the ticket scanners, but for some reason the friend who had bought my ticket was encountering some troubles, as well as myself.  It appears that he had bought tickets for the show 2 nights previous, and our other friends had the correct day.  I couldn't believe it was happening and was legitimately hysterical about it.  We waited in the box office line to hopefully be able to buy tickets for that night, we even met a guy who had the same troubles as us except with some prime seats.  By some amazing stroke of luck, we were able to find out that if we went to a different window (with a much shorter line) they were allowing people who didn't attend the last show to get replacement tickets for this night's show and we were saved!  This show currently stands as the third best concert I have ever gone to, and it was an amazing time with some of my good friends (except for the fight that almost started when some random guy threw a lit cigarette at the kid in front of us).  It was one of the great times of my life to this date, and I now check the date on the tickets whenever that friend buys tickets on my behalf.

If you don't know Pearl Jam, this picture sums up everything you need to know.

Project Yancey:Episode 6: Doug Takes a Hike

The Bluff Scouts are initiating a new member, and this new member is none other than our good friend Doug Funnie, the tendertoe.  While he enjoys being a tendertoe, he is also eager to start filling his new uniform with tons of merit badges.  Perfectly on cue, Scout Master Mr. Dink announces that on the hike for that day, the nature merit badge will go to the group of two scouts who finds something that tells them the most about the forest.  Before Doug is able to finish asking Skeeter to be his partner for the challenge, the Senior Scout steps up to proclaim that he is going to take Doug under his wing for the hike and help him get used to the forest, the problem is the Senior Scout is Roger.  Almost instantly Doug goes from being fellow scout, to Roger's bitch, even to the extent that while Doug is carrying Roger's stuff for him, Roger steals Doug's underwear from his bag and raises them as the flag for the nation of tighty whities.  The abuse was not nearly over, Doug was tasked with clearing out space for the tent he was also going to have to pitch, and then he had to go fetch firewood.  As he was leaving for his firewood fetching Roger was shouting at him about the terrible creatures in the woods (most notably the trees that punch!), which naturally scare Doug and Roger and his goons continue to pick on him.  Eventually the hike does start, and Roger insists they go on to find arrowheads, but Doug keeps on hearing some noises coming from the bushes.  Once they approach a dead end, a creature emerges from the same bushes, and its a friendly snake Doug names Mr. Scaley!  But Mr. Scaley scares Roger, and he runs away.  Doug contemplates whether or not he should utilize knowing Roger is scared of snakes to get back at him and embarass him.  He shortly thereafter gets the opportunity at the campfire where everyone is showing their findings, and Doug naturally shows Mr. Scaley, and everyone loves him.  But the snake starts getting close to Roger and scaring him in front of everyone, but Doug stops it just short to show off all of Mr. Scaley's tricks, thus saving Roger from a really embarrassing moment.  Doug and Roger end up getting the merit badges from the challenge, and Roger shows some signs of appreciation for what Doug did, but that's really not gonna change anything.

I don't know either

This is a tough one for me, I've never been part of any type of scouts, and I've never really had a clear cut shot at revenge on someone that I can remember right now, so the only option we have left are outdoors stories.  Luckily, I have two older brothers and have a backyard surrounded by woods, so I do have stories.  We used to walk around in these woods for fun all the time, but there was only one instance in which I ended up being tormented with a thorn branch, and I believe I may have been missing a vital piece of clothing, but my memory on that matter is pretty hazy so I'll let it only be mentioned in passing.  Another painful woods memory for me is a bit more recent than the single digit ages in which the last incident happened.  When I was in the year before high school, I was outside playing frisbee with a few of my oldest brother's friends, a few of my other brother's friends, and I think a friend or two of my own.  As is typical in frisbee games in our backyard, the frisbee would be overthrown and end up deep in the wood.  Being the youngest, I was tasked with retrieving them most of the time.  This one specific time though, the frisbee got really deep, but I accepted my duty and went all Indiana Jones into those woods to get it back.  Getting to the frisbee was fine, but the return wasn't too good for me, it hurt, and I didn't know what was going on.  Black spots were appearing on my hands and I was struggling to push them off as I tried to run to safety.  I finally realized what was happening and emerged from the woods with the frisbee yelling "BEES!!"  As I ripped my shirt off, I apparently had a pretty steady blanketing of bees on my chest, and most notably near my face.  I got stung 4 times inside my ear alone.  I hate bees.

It was kinda like this

 

Project Yancey: Episode 5: Doug's Big Nose

This is truly a great episode with some of Doug's more random daydreams.  It starts with Doug in class, and Mr. Bone announcing that the next day will be the when they have their pictures taken for photo swap day, which is exactly what it sounds like, a day of school where the students gather and share their pictures amongst their peers.  This information leads us to awesome daydream number 1, photo swap days come and Patti has to apologize to the male population of their class that she can't give any pictures away because they are all going to Doug so he can have one for every day of the year.  Back to the real world, Doug is with Skeeter at the day care to pick up his little brother Dale (who the teacher lady claims had said "cool" 12 times and "man" 6 times, to which Skeeter instantly replies "Cool man"), who in all brutal honesty of a child calls Doug "big nose".  Doug is literally taken aback by this comment with the terrible realization that his nose is quite large, and is only able to get back to his feet long enough to have the king of perfect timing himself, Roger Klotz, come over and second the notion.  Awesome daydream number two follows, where baby Doug is in his stroller, and his mother's friends run away petrified at the monstrous nose on this little baby, which then proceeds to grow even larger!  Now Doug resorts to disguise mode, and shows up late for school the next morning with giant fake ears and a coat with massive shoulder pads (not gonna help make you look like less of a loser or freak in my opinion, but maybe he didn't see it the same way).  Awesome daydream number three verges off from Mrs. Wingo teaching mathematics(!!!!!!), and Doug thinks to himself "If A equals how big my nose is now, and B represents my nose's annual rate of growth, then by the time I finish college..." and the imagery of Doug thinking fades to a graduation gown with only a nose shown where the face should be, and Skeeter saying "Wow, a nose with a college degree, cool man!"  I would like to take a note on this daydream to point out that an 11 and a half year old is thinking in terms of calculus, pair that with his second place in the science fair and that is one smart kid (to be contradicted later in the series).  Doug flees to the bathroom and Roger says something hurtful which leads to yet another awesome daydream in which Patti looks at Doug's picture and his protruding nose pokes her eye out.  After this Mr. Bone announces the pictures will be taken by last name from Z backwards, and Doug goes to lunch with Skeeter (fresh from his picture is amazed by retinal scarring), Patti, and Bebe Bluff (who it hints has already had her picture taken but that wouldn't be alphabetically correct).  Lunchtime discussion involves the word knows, nosey people, and phrases with the word nose in it.  Doug flees, and unsuccessfully tries to get dismissed from school, talks to Patti who overheard Roger giving him a hard time and told Doug that his nose gives him character.  Doug gets his picture taken and now fast forward to photo swap day, Skeeter points out the pointyness of Roger's hair in his picture to which Roger defends himself by calling Skeeter "Skeet-face" (which is so much funnier since Lil' John completely changed what "skeet" means.)  Doug manages to score a picture of Patti after giving her a picture of himself, which leads us to my favorite scene in the episode.  Dale returns, but is no longer calling Doug "big nose" but is rather saying "yum yum eat em up" and bites Doug's nose.  This basically wraps the episode up. 

Yum yum eat up up Big Nose!!!!!

Mom and Dad throwing hammers at Mario.

I suppose this episode gives me nothing else to do but to reflect upon my own physical deformities.  Growing up I've had my fair share of big attributes (much to the chagrin of some of my readers this is not a setup for penis jokes). First, I thought I had big eyes, but eventually grew into them.  Then I thought I had a big forehead, but eventually grew into it.  I also had a period where I thought I had big ears, but grew into those as well.  Despite being able to dodge those three bullets, there is one deformity that I will never be able to grow into.  Anybody who knows me personally will already know that I am about to reveal that I suffer from a genetic defect commonly known as "club thumb".  On both of my hands I have thumbs that have been described over the years as big toes, spoons, hammers, and just plain old disgusting.  I have a total love/hate relationship with letting people know and see them, I find it very enjoyable to see people's initial reaction to seeing them (which is usually an entertaining shock followed by an inanimate object they remind them of), and I also like to tell people that I got them from accidentally dropping a sack of hammers on them (note the only things  that have ever kept hammers in a sack are the fucking hammer bros. from the Super Mario series).  But it sucks to let people know because it then becomes a novelty act, which is moderately embarrassing, its not fun to be a freak show.  I have recently gotten some solace in this situation by finding out that famous "sexy lady" Megan Fox (who I find highly overrated) has one of them as well, so I have something in common with a sexy lady!

Confession: that's actually my hand

Project Yancey: Episode 4: Doug's Dog's Date

We peek in on Doug on his front porch playing his banjo blues, why, because Porkchop has been away.  Roger walks on by to hear these blues and makes fun of Doug because hes apparently such a dork that his own dog doesn't even want to hang around him anymore, but Doug just keeps on strumming his banjo.  Soon thereafter, a flashback to the last couple of days starts playing.  Porkchop is just laying around in a spaced out trance akin to being completely stoned, except we know he isn't stoned because he passes up on Doug's gracious offer of a peanutty buddy!  This got Doug really concerned so he took Porkchop to the vet, who doesn't find anything wrong but asked Doug to keep a close eye on Porkchop for a few days, kinda like a detective.  This cues a pretty funny spoof of the Dragnet intro, instead titled "Dognet".  Doug proves to be a pretty dedicated detective and even passes up on the chance of a lifetime as Patti offered to teach him how to play beetball, and even be on her team!  But shortly after, with the help of Mr. Dink, he finds that Porkchop is merely suffering from a case of puppy love for a girl dog in the neighborhood.  Following Mr. Dink's advice, Doug supports Porkchop and even helps him get ready for his first date, but his support for Porkchop leads Doug to a whole night by himself.  Little did Doug know that this one night would turn into many more nights and more dates, until one night when Porkchop stays out a little late.  An awefully worried Doug confronts Porkchop on his way home and leaves him with the "it's either me or her" ultimatum, and assumes Porkchop chooses him when he goes into his igloo.  The next morning Doug looks for Porkchop until none other than Roger shows up to say he just saw Porkchop walking down the street with a suitcase.  Doug then goes to Skeeter to talk things over, but bails on him when he hears that Patti is around playing beetball.  After some excellent beetball playing Doug remembers how he bailed on Skeeter, but returns to find him in the same spot as earlier.  Skeeter helps relate to Doug that girls make guys go crazy, but they will always return to their friends in the end, which makes Doug realize Porkchop was not gone for good so they rush back to the Funnie household.  A saddened Porkchop is sitting on the porch, and they realize hes been broken up with and console him.  But after no time they are back to doing what they do best, playin' the banjo blues.

Porkchop: Always Classy

For my story I won't talk about my dog's first date (thats just ludicrous), but rather about my dawg's first date (yeah I've gone there).  But first some background on this "dawg", in high school he had a sex life on a par with your average danelion, not in the fact hes getting blown all over the place, but rather in that he was an asexual organism.  So when halfway through our freshman year at college I found out he had a crush on a girl, I was shocked and needed to help him out.  This was during my long hair phase so I told him I wouldn't cut my hair (which he hated) until he asked her out, which eventually happened about an inch and a half later.  After years and years of knowing him, I was very happy to hear he was dating a girl, but the sex life thing was still hanging in the balance.  Even though they seemed to be a great couple (even partaking in playing an action packed game of "suggestive Guess Who" with some of our other friends), as far as I know the magic had not been made by the end of the first summer.  After going back to school the unbelievable happened and I found out that if he was Mike Tyson, his girlfriend would have been allowed to give him and interview (if you didn't know, Mike Tyson once told a female reporter "I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with 'em...So you shouldn't talk no more...Unless you wanna, you know" see 3:00 mark in the video below).  Luckily for me I haven't been completely ditched like Doug, luckily for him he hasn't been dumped like Porkchop, so I guess this story is the complete opposite.

Project Yancey: Episode 3: Doug Gets Busted

Doug Funnie is a criminal, runnin' through the swamps in his black and white striped prison garb, the flashlights are following his every move, and Doug himself even says its the worst thing that's happened to him since the beginning of the school year.  With a few seconds of safety, he reminisces about how he was able to find himself in this mess, and it all started with the science fair.  Doug tells us that the reason lava shoots from his volcano is because he loves Patti (not a metaphor), and then a crazed Mr. Bone comes in and uses a fire extinguisher to put out the flame of Doug's love.  He also puts out a flame on a firecracker that Roger was trying to call a "supernova", which is when the people of the tin can telephone service pass on the news that Mr. Bone put out a fire in the science lab.  By the laws of word of mouth, it shortly becomes the story that the entire science lab burned down, and it was up to Roger to put the blame on Doug (I also noticed that one of Roger's friends appears to be a trekkie, just look at his shirt).  Mr. Dink appears again for another useless, albeit funny, appearance where his car alarm goes off and scares the daylights out of poor fugitive Doug.  Since Doug has now hit the panic switch, he resorts to going to Judy's room for a disguise, and becomes [wa na na] Jack Bandit!  Now for one of my favorite scenes, we are in class with Mrs. Wingo asking what the 6th article of the Constitution says (hint: it's the bill of rights), but Patti answers "The court shall have the power to punish anyone who covers the science lab with molten lava" (which does apply as a very specific application of the 6th article and more specifically the 6th Amendment).  After this answer everyone convicts Doug who goes [wa na na] Jack Bandit all over their asses and escapes by swinging a rope out the window into a cop's arms.  When Doug wakes up from this dream, he goes on the lam for real, but not without telling his parents who were too tired and negligent to care as long as he doesn't wake his sister.  After some time around a campfire in the woods, [wa na na] Jack Bandit and Porkchop get bored and hungry so they go to the schoolyard to ask Skeeter for his sandwich and what they should do, but alas he can't give his answer before Doug is spotted by Mr. Bone.  Growing tired of running Doug turns himself in and is taken to the principal's office, but not without giving a heartfelt goodbye to his love Patti Mayonaise, who gets completely confused.  While Doug is in the office the crowd outside the door finds out from Patti that the science lab did not burn down, and Doug emerges from the room with a 2nd place ribbon from the science fair!  And thus we see no more from [wa na na] Jack Bandit.

Wa Na Na !!!!!! Jack Bandit!!

Have I broken the law?  Yeah, who hasn't?  But have I ever been a fugitive on the lam?  Kinda, but not really, I have had a run in with the authorities once.  It was years back, when I was still a stupid kid in high school.  I was out partying with a few (now former) friends, and we were taking a walk through a local neighborhood when everybody except me seemed to get really angry at the surrounding mailboxes.  Having no paticular problem with these mailboxes, I didn't partake in the chaos and was (ironically) telling them to "knock it off".  Eventually they decided that in their battle with the inanimate, they had risen victorious, and left the mailboxes painfully scatted on the ground.  So we continued off to flee the scene but got no further than the next neighborhood before a blindingly bright light flashed on us and scared the shit out of me.  From this light emerged two policemen who inquired us about any knowledge of who hit the mailboxes (inquiries were unneccessary as im pretty sure they were positive it was us[read them]), but someone decided to lie instead so we all left our names and addresses with the cops and hid in the host's basement.  Eventually our legal troubles caught back up with us and we admitted to it, but I maintained the fact I didn't do shit and luckily the other kids vouched for me as well (thanks).  But I will say that was the greatest buzzkill I have ever experienced, it scared me sober, which hopefully was one of the reasons they didn't notice or call us out on the alcohol on our breath.  So as a result of this story, I've created and stuck by this credo, don't be stupid.

This is not an enemy!

Project Yancey: Episode 2: Doug Can't Dance

For the second episode, we find Doug finishing work on his slug costume for the big dance that coming night.  As he is starting to feel good about it, the door opens and we find Roger come into what seems like Doug's garage asking if his costume is a bag of manure (I wonder why Doug doesn't show any sign of confusion about the biggest bully in school just busting into his house).  Since we know Roger is a total ass, it comes as no surprise that he reminds Doug that he can't dance, and he may very well embarass himself dancing with Patti, and offers to take his place dancing with her.  After Roger leaves, Doug takes a walk to think about his situation and Mr. Dink pulls up next to him to show off his Grade A Thoroughbred Chicken costume [very expensive], he compliments Doug on his excellent sack of dirty socks costume.  Mr. Dink also reveals he is the chaperone at the dance that night, and his cameo is thoroughly useless to the story and probably could have been omitted without any consequence.  So after this Doug tries to think again when he is distracted again, this time by Skeeter, who thinks Doug is wearing a cool Godzilla costume.  Skeeter tries to teach Doug how to dance, but ends up doing some sort of ghetto siezure instead that leaves him all pretzeled up.  With this so-called advice Doug finds himself at the dance and random kids out front think hes wearing a broom costume.  Finally he finds Patti, who actually recognizes he's dressed as a slug, and Roger comes to woo her away from Doug.  Doug shows his first sign of courage in the entire series and tells Roger off as he and Patti go to dance.  The dancing ends up going fine for Doug, and in a last ditch to ruin Doug's night Roger accidently hammers down on Doug's foot with his massively awesome hammer costume, and Doug creates the dance craze we all know as the "slug hop".

Look at all of that 90s glory 

Its terrible that I'm breaking my own rules in the second installment of this series, but I feel this episode warrants an extended series of thoughts and ideas rather than a story from my own life.  Firstly, I would like to point out that I am not a dancer so I don't have much experience in dancing with girls at parties, dances, proms or wherever else you would dance with a girl.  Having said that I must say I do enjoy dancing with girls which brings me to my first point, when you are dancing behind a girl, do they notice your "excitement"?  Do they feel flattered or just creeped out by it?  Do they attempt to get a guesstimate on size which could perhaps effect what happens later?  And lastly, Should I attempt to hide it, thats what I usually do, and I want to know if I'm better off wearing it with pride.  Another interesting point about my history of dancing is that at no point in my college life have I randomly started dancing with a white girl at a party, white girls don't like to dance with me it seems (oh well its all good).  I also will admit I'm not a very big fan of grinding, it's very impersonal and I would prefer to dance face-to-face with a girl that I am actually interested in (but as far as random girls wanting to dance after I've been drinking, its aiight).  So at the end of the day, I know what its like Doug, I don't really know how to dance either, but I will attempt to do the robot if Lady GaGa ever starts playing.

Project Yancey: Episode 1: Doug Bags a Neematoad

Hello everybody and welcome to a series I would like to call "Project Yancey".  This series will involve me watching every episode of Nickelodeon's Doug (as if anybody really thought Disney's Doug was worth watching), and relating every episode to a story from my own personal experiences.  I hope I can give fresh stories for every installment, but if I can't hang with me theres about 100 or so plotlines.  I hope you enjoy it and without further ado, the inaugural installment of Project Yancey.

It's about to rise to 20,001.  Doug is that 1.

So the first episode is your standard run-of-the-mill indroduction to the important characters and settings of the series.  We start with Doug Funnie and his family moving to Bluffington, and start to see some of Doug's character pop out as he describes his feelings about the move (mostly his nervousness about the move with every positive look on it followed by a more negative response).  We learn Doug isn't exactly the most confident person on earth, but he manages to get by.  He daydreams a little, meets the Dinks, daydreams some more, and then finds himself at the Honker Burger.  He's such a noob in town he can't even order a burger correctly, which is where Mr. Mosquito "Skeeter" Valentine comes in to play to make his order and introduce Doug to some unnamed peripheral characters.  Once Doug's insecurities are subsided by Skeeters kind acts, he finds them return in full force as a slip on ketchup causes Roger Klotz to get pissed at him.  A normal bully would just kick Doug's ass on the spot, but Roger decides to humiliate Doug by making him wake up at 7am to catch the fictional neematoad of Stinson's Pond.  A little while after Doug starts embarassing himself, he realizes hes being tricked, and on his walk to the inevitable loserdom, his dog Porkchop does him a major solid by getting covered in mud and acting as he believes a neematoad would.  Doug captures the neematoad and becomes the hero of Bluffington's youth.  While all this was happening Doug was scoping out Patti Mayonaisse, and he really seemed to like what he was seeing.  And at the end Doug's streak of good luck continues as coincidence (again slipping on ketchup) causes him to meet Patti, and things seemed to go quite well for him.  The End.

Bag it! Bag it PLEASE!!!!

Now for my story.  I never actually moved but I did have a first week of college.  Maybe I wasn't as nervous as Doug was, but that was still a pretty intimidating change of lifestyle.  I found myself at school and managed to meet a few people, no outstanding "Skeeters" stood out immediately but I met enough people that I wasn't sitting around like a bump on a log all day.  I was also careful enough to not mess with any assholes like Roger either, but I did want to make a name for myself by bagging the proverbial neematoad.  But how does one bag a neematoad in the college culture, this could very well be a euphenism for hooking up or more drastically, date rape, but I elected to concentrate my efforts on neither.  My neematoads were beer, and to bag them I had to drink as many as I could.  I don't remember exactly how much I drank that first party, but I do remember two things, I made myself more interesting for a few hours (great success!), and I thought I met a perspective Patti Mayonaise.  In an act of drunken confidence (inherently unlike Doug Funnie) I went to her room and wrote on the whiteboard on her door "[name withheld] is cute" followed by my room number, along with a friend of mine who was interested in her roommate (small world).  She never came to my door or responded to that note, it was pretty lame.  She eventually fell under the group of unnamed peripheral characters Skeeter introduced Doug to at the Honker Burger.  Moral of the story: go bag some neematoads.