Doug Funnie is a criminal, runnin' through the swamps in his black and white striped prison garb, the flashlights are following his every move, and Doug himself even says its the worst thing that's happened to him since the beginning of the school year. With a few seconds of safety, he reminisces about how he was able to find himself in this mess, and it all started with the science fair. Doug tells us that the reason lava shoots from his volcano is because he loves Patti (not a metaphor), and then a crazed Mr. Bone comes in and uses a fire extinguisher to put out the flame of Doug's love. He also puts out a flame on a firecracker that Roger was trying to call a "supernova", which is when the people of the tin can telephone service pass on the news that Mr. Bone put out a fire in the science lab. By the laws of word of mouth, it shortly becomes the story that the entire science lab burned down, and it was up to Roger to put the blame on Doug (I also noticed that one of Roger's friends appears to be a trekkie, just look at his shirt). Mr. Dink appears again for another useless, albeit funny, appearance where his car alarm goes off and scares the daylights out of poor fugitive Doug. Since Doug has now hit the panic switch, he resorts to going to Judy's room for a disguise, and becomes [wa na na] Jack Bandit! Now for one of my favorite scenes, we are in class with Mrs. Wingo asking what the 6th article of the Constitution says (hint: it's the bill of rights), but Patti answers "The court shall have the power to punish anyone who covers the science lab with molten lava" (which does apply as a very specific application of the 6th article and more specifically the 6th Amendment). After this answer everyone convicts Doug who goes [wa na na] Jack Bandit all over their asses and escapes by swinging a rope out the window into a cop's arms. When Doug wakes up from this dream, he goes on the lam for real, but not without telling his parents who were too tired and negligent to care as long as he doesn't wake his sister. After some time around a campfire in the woods, [wa na na] Jack Bandit and Porkchop get bored and hungry so they go to the schoolyard to ask Skeeter for his sandwich and what they should do, but alas he can't give his answer before Doug is spotted by Mr. Bone. Growing tired of running Doug turns himself in and is taken to the principal's office, but not without giving a heartfelt goodbye to his love Patti Mayonaise, who gets completely confused. While Doug is in the office the crowd outside the door finds out from Patti that the science lab did not burn down, and Doug emerges from the room with a 2nd place ribbon from the science fair! And thus we see no more from [wa na na] Jack Bandit.
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| Wa Na Na !!!!!! Jack Bandit!! |
Have I broken the law? Yeah, who hasn't? But have I ever been a fugitive on the lam? Kinda, but not really, I have had a run in with the authorities once. It was years back, when I was still a stupid kid in high school. I was out partying with a few (now former) friends, and we were taking a walk through a local neighborhood when everybody except me seemed to get really angry at the surrounding mailboxes. Having no paticular problem with these mailboxes, I didn't partake in the chaos and was (ironically) telling them to "knock it off". Eventually they decided that in their battle with the inanimate, they had risen victorious, and left the mailboxes painfully scatted on the ground. So we continued off to flee the scene but got no further than the next neighborhood before a blindingly bright light flashed on us and scared the shit out of me. From this light emerged two policemen who inquired us about any knowledge of who hit the mailboxes (inquiries were unneccessary as im pretty sure they were positive it was us[read them]), but someone decided to lie instead so we all left our names and addresses with the cops and hid in the host's basement. Eventually our legal troubles caught back up with us and we admitted to it, but I maintained the fact I didn't do shit and luckily the other kids vouched for me as well (thanks). But I will say that was the greatest buzzkill I have ever experienced, it scared me sober, which hopefully was one of the reasons they didn't notice or call us out on the alcohol on our breath. So as a result of this story, I've created and stuck by this credo, don't be stupid.
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| This is not an enemy! |
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