Project Yancey: Episode 29: Doug Vs. The Klotzoid Zombies

School just got out for the day, and our Doug Funnie and his pal Skeeter decide to get a shake, but before they leave for it Skeeter is summoned by Roger, and tells Doug that he can't go get shakes because he already had plans to go to Roger's house.  Doug is determined to do something that afternoon, so he next turns to BeeBee and Chaulky who are walking by and asks if they would like to listen to his new Beets tape.  Chaulky definitely seems like he wanted to, but BeeBee covers his mouth before he can say yes, and politely declines Doug's invitation.  They walk off toward Roger and Skeeter, and Doug also sees Patti join up with them, leaving Doug by himself.  A confused and disparaged Doug then turns to Porkchop and Quailman to help him kill some time, so lets delve once again into the world of Quailman.  In this world we find ourselves discovering how talented Quailman is at mini-golf, and shortly afterwards discover Mr. Dink is acting stranger than usual.  Well this can't be anything too strange given that it is Mr. Dink afterwards, yet things take another turn for the odd when Quailman and Quaildog ask for beet shakes at the concession stand only to be told they only sell Zombie Chips.  Being called a loser by three of his good friends, Quailman returns to his Thicket of Solitude to lick his wounds and analyze why his friends have been treating him so badly.  Well, luckily enough, once he finishes that thought he sees a commercial on television with Dr. Klotzenstein advertising the very Zombie Chips all of his friends have been snacking on lately.  What I found the most odd was that Quailman wasn't able to figure that out before.  But since he finally did put two and two together, Quailman flies as quick as he can to the set of Dr. Klotzensteins show "Wheel of Snack Food" to confront him.  Using the power of television, Dr. Klotzenstein manages to get Quailman into being a contestant on "Wheel of Snack Food" where he is spun around on a giant wheel while the entire crowd screams that he is a loser.  Having gotten Quailman away, Dr. Klotzenstein continues his plan to turn everybody into his zombies, a plan that will fail as soon as Quaildog uses his "quail tail" to reach for the lever to throw on the brakes and save our heroes.  As quick as you can feed everybody in a moderately large television set, Quailman gives everybody beets and they turn back into their normal selves.  After writing this story, Doug sees the parallel to his own life and decides to go to Roger's house to confront him about why he stole his friends.  Expecting a confrontation, Doug shows up at Roger's trailer and oddly gets invited inside.  That is when it is revealed that Roger has been planning and hosting a surprise 1 year anniversary party for Doug in Bluffington with all his friends!  And this touching moment is where this episode ends.

He wants the Greasy Puffs!

My friends apparently don't like me enough, because I have never had a surprise party before in my life.  I have only been invited to one surprise party in my life, and that was because it was for my parent's 25th anniversary.  But I will say that was quite an experience.  Not expecting much out of that night, I decided to try to get my drinking quota out of the way the night before (a night which very well may end up getting it's own story), but this night turned out to be quite interesting as well.  First of all, my parents didn't even know I was in the state, let alone my grandma's basement.  So being a double whammy on my parent's surprise party was pretty cool in the first place, but later on in the party I was playing bartender.  I probably broke a couple of personal records on that night, and probably had a conversation or two that were better off not being said, but it was tons of fun.  It was quite a spectacle to see all my parent's friends from throughout the years getting drunk and being merry, all while I myself was getting drunk and merry.  Sure being driven about 3 hours while hung over and kind of wanting to throw up the next morning wasn't the best experience I've ever had, I would say that it was very well worth it, and surprise parties are good in my book.

Now get out of my face you filthy animal!

Project Yancey Episode 24: Doug is Quailman

How Perfect to give me a cover shot!

Finally, we get a long overdue extended intro to Quailman, complete with description of the Planet Bob, title banner and credo.  Also a great entry in the beginning in this episode is the introduction of Quaildog, and the list of Quailman's abilities to bob, dart and stupefy.  So once this simply amazing extended intro is over, we are brought to Doug finishing his first Quailman comic and are sent directly into the Quailman story after the title screen.  Quailman is sitting on his comfy chair in the Thicket of Solitude watching television when a hair care commercial is broken up by breaking news that Dr. Klotzenstein (not to be mistaken with his alter-egos Klotzilla, Baron von Klotz, and the Cyklotz) is on the lose and is in Bluffington under the disguise of Roger Klotz (Doug is really subtle when he uses people he knows as artistic influence.)  To this news Quailman decides to do absolutely nothing other than stay on the alert.  So while Quailman is on the alert, we are brought to what is usually Doug's science class with Professor Ogie.  (Key part) Roger starts the class out by making a terrible pun about his "Aunt Phibian" (get it amphibian?) as he throws his frog at Patti.  But once the shock of how terrible that pun was, Prof. Ogie walks into the class and tells the students there will be a pop quiz, which everyone shudders at other than Roger.  Roger shows why he was excited as when the teacher asks the questions to people in the class he steals their thoughts and answers the questions for them.  These questions range from how many bones are in the body to which planet has the longest rotation around the sun (Pluto isn't a planet anymore Roger!) to Newton's third law of motion.  This sequence leaves me in complete shock that someone could create a device that wipes people's minds empty, but doesn't even know Newton's laws.  Amazed by Roger's progress, Prof. Ogie decides to go get Mr. Bone and leaves Roger in charge.  Roger in turn shows the class his "Brain Drain" and drains everyone in the classes brains.  This leaves the entire class acting like they are on Valium (which is apparently what it's like to have no brain) but Patti still manages to make the quail call, and summons Quailman and Quaildog to the scene.  Quailman promptly gets to class and realizes whats going on quickly since Dr. Klotzenstein has no problem explaining his entire plot to Quailman immediately.  Now the showdown begins as Dr. Klotzenstein tries to drain Quailman's brain, but he is able to evade the beam quick enough to hide.  While hiding, he finds Roger's Aunt Phibian under a desk and tricks Dr. Klotzenstein into draining the brain of the frog.  This causes him to become Toad from the X-men, and a simple whistle returns the brains of all the students.  It is just then that Prof. Ogie and Mr. Bone come into the class and see that Quailman fixed the situation and Quailman flies away through a closed window, thus breaking it.  The episode concludes with Quailman and Quaildog getting permanent hall passes from Mr. Bone and zooms out to Doug and Porkchop celebrating the end of their first comic.

See!?  It's the exact same thing!

Well isn't this hard, I am not a superhero.  I have no superhero alter-ego.  I never wrote a comic.  I am not as imaginative as Doug is.  And lastly, I have never done anything that could be construed as heroic.  So this all leaves me sitting here trying to make some kind of stretch as to what I could possibly write about that would connect to this episode and would not indirectly ruin my stories for any later episodes.  (Thinking....) I got it!  I'll discuss superheroes to the best of my ability.  The best of my ability to discuss superheroes is simply to talk about Spiderman since he is by far my favorite superhero and probably the only one that I would be able to make an attempt at rambling about.  One of my favorite food for thought games to play when I am bored and talking to random people is to ask them if they could remake any movie ever with themselves as the main character, which movie and character would they pick.  Mine has always been Peter Parker/Spiderman from the first Spiderman movie in the Sam Raimi/Tobey McGuire series.  I have always been able to connect with the character of Peter Parker as I am a semi-nerdy kid who has a talent for science (mathematics in my case) and I like to think that if I got superpowers from a radioactive spider that I would use them for good.  My problem with really telling people about this is that I have recently found that people like to tell me that I kind of look like Tobey McGuire, which I am not completely sure if it is a good thing (he's not a bad looking guy by any means but I mean you never hear girls go "OMG I <3 Tobey McGuire! He is sooooo HAWT!").  Those first two movies are among my favorites, and my gripes about the third movie are probably what most other people have with it (what the hell is the deal with Peter Parker trying to be an emo ladies man? And why would anybody be dumb enough to cast Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom.)  Okay, so I think I've rambled enough but I want to end on this note.  If you are reading this Hollywood Execs, send me an email, I want to play Eddie Brock and Venom in the new Spiderman Reboot you are doing.  I could totally be sold as the photography rival of the kid from Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and I could easily sell the craziness of Venom, just trust me.  Readers, you can help too get the "Chase Robertson as Eddie Brock" campaign going, together we can do it!

Really? That kid? Please make me Eddie Brock so I can kick his ass a little!

P.S. Thank you Denmark for your recent support!  Keep tuning in and send Prince Hamlet my regards!

Project Yancey: Episode 12: Doug To the Rescue

  Finally, we get introduced to a hero with patience and intelligence, and underpants over his pants, yes I'm talking about the visitor from the planet Bob, Quailman!  The episode starts with quite an exciting and intense introduction to this magnificent specimen, part quail part human, all hero.  The only thing Quailman is not initially given is an enemy or a damsel in distress, luckily both come together immediately when Mrs. Wingo decides to give the students time in class to work on their book report.  Roger is legitimately begging Patti for the entire class to do it for him and they start to disrupt the class, which is clearly getting on Patti's nerves.  After a little bit of this Klotzilla is born!  Klotzilla is like Godzilla in both name and appearance (save for a leather jacket), but more like King Kong in action as he likes to kidnap women and carry them to the top of monuments (I will never know what purpose that serves.)  Oh and the damsel is Patti if you couldn't pick up on that yourself.  The daydream continues as Quailman comes to the rescue and even though not having the physical prowess to beat Klotzilla, he uses his quail-eye to leave Klotzilla helpless and stupefied.  Once this happens a gracious Patti Mayonnaise comes to thank Quailman with a high-5 (see underrated things list #2) and compliments his belt.  It's once this story ends that Patti and Roger hit critical mass and Mrs. Wingo sends them to detention hall, and Doug and Skeeter are also sent off after Doug basically turns to tell Skeeter that was bush league.  In detention hall, Roger continues to bug Patti, and Doug decides to be Quailman himself, but while he was telling Roger to back off, he turned into Doug's fists and it appeared as if Doug hit him.  This is when the rest of the hooligans in detention decide its time for a showdown.  Doug continues this weirdness of trying to be Quailman, and actually manages to psych Roger out by just being weird and waiting for Mr. Bone to come and break it up (Skeeter sums the moment up best though by saying "Either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a serious gasket.")  It is then that Doug is basically declared the winner and Patti and Skeeter are amazed, and the episode more or less ends with the most triumphant still-frame from the entire series shown below.

Triumph...

Oh yes, we're jumping in the Wayback Machine for this one!

I don't have any secret superhero alter egos (even though I have been told I look like Tobey Maguire, and wish I could be Spider-Man), nor am I completely insane like Doug was at the end of this episode.  But I have found myself in a fight I didn't want that was partially because of a girl.  For this one we need Mr. Peabody to take us to the Wayback Machine (get it, its a Rocky and Bullwinkle joke!) because this story goes back to my freshman year of high school (which I believe is the earliest story to date).  We are gonna dredge up some memories of my first girlfriend (gasp!)  This relationship lasted an amazing 10 days, but its repercussions went about a week longer than that.  While at one of the high school football games with her, I believe my hat got stolen and testosterone (or some adolescent hormone) made me decide to track down who it was.  A whole lot of probably fake stories led me to her ex-boyfriend (leading me to think it was a potential set up).  I was suspicious he had my hat in his waistline and lifted his shirt to check, probably embarrassed by his body he took to swinging at me immediately.  This wasn't a fight, but I sure realized he didn't like me, and I was also kinda bragged about being with that girl at the moment too (as well as my stickly figure.)  A few days later I believe she broke up with me (the "it's not you it's me" routine, I would be willing to bet it wasn't her), but these problems didn't go away.  I heard this kid wanted to fight me and naturally the next football game was the set time and location, I didn't have any particular issue with him.  So the night came and while walking a little with some of my friends, the altercation took place.  I'm happy to say that I got him to the ground pretty quickly, but in the act of amazing badassery told him he wasn't worth it and started walking off.  He decided I was worth it so got up immediately and ran after me.  I knew he was gonna attack high so I just ducked below it and kinda flipped him over my back, and continued walking.  The last of this problem was when I walked off and some kid stopped him from coming after me again saying something along the lines of "seriously dude give it up he would beat your ass."  It was the defining moment of my masculinity, and the birth of my pacifism, so if you do want to fight me, I may be able to get the beat on you (trust me I had 2 older brothers so I know how to defend myself if need be) but you aren't worth it.

This, is not me.