Project Yancey: Episode 27: Doug's Secret Song

I haven't written one of these in more than a month, and I should be ashamed of myself!  But even after our long hiatus I was able to come back into Doug's Life and not only find him with his trusty old banjo playing his secret song about Patti.  The song's secrecy takes a major hit by Skeeter coming out of nowhere and telling Doug how much he loved the song (joking?).  Skeeter is a good friend so he agrees not to tell anybody about Doug's song, and then proceeds to start singing it as they walk down the street to some undetermined location.  As they pass Mr. Dink's house they hear loud sounds and think he is in trouble, but it turns out that he was just playing a video of him doing some kind of karaoke, which sounded like the painful moaning of some serious injury.  His video was recorded at some place at the mall, which contrary to typical Mr. Dink fashion, it was very inexpensive, so Doug and Skeeter decide to give the place a visit so they can have something to do.  Instead of watching the two of them walk to the mall, we are instead treated to a wonderful 90's rap video about Doug wanting all his sexy ladies to give him a call sometime (it is awesome.)  When they get to the mall the video making place is packed with familiar faces, before going in to record his video, Doug sees Mr. Bone, and I'll ruin the surprise but he also sees Patti when he gets out.  But before we get too ahead of ourselves, we need to see what Doug does for his video.  In his little booth we find Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, his banjo and some awesome white leather jacket that I suppose he borrowed from the store.  A nervous Doug continues to sing his secret song on video, while hiccuping, which we should assume will turn out to be completely horrible on tape.  Now the meeting with Patti happens, where she would easily win the award for least aware person on earth, as she doesn't notice Doug or Skeeter standing directly in front of her talking loudly until about 2 seconds after Skeeter says "Hi Patti" right to her.  As they get their videos, Patti informs Doug and Skeeter that she is going to an "up all night" party at Bebe's house.  This doesn't become anything of interest at all until Doug and Skeeter try to watch Doug's video and find they received Patti's video, which has oddly good editing and multiple angles, neither of which seemed possible in Doug's booth, we are left to assume he got the shaft.  Doug amazingly remembered this party, and they high tail it there to try and prevent the "up all night" party from turning into an "up all night and laugh at Doug" party.  Trying to be cordial and go to the front door to ask to switch the tapes, Bebe's stuck up butler (stuck up butler!?!) sends them off saying no boys are allowed.  Their next idea almost works, but when they send Porkchop in he gets detected, but instead of getting tortured like Doug thinks will happen, he starts dancing and playing around with them.  It is right when Doug and Skeeter climb the trellis in front of Bebe's window (terrible foresight on her father's part) that they see Porkchop dancing, and Patti decides it is time to put on her video.  But moments before Doug is able to decide that his life is, in fact, over, he sees that Patti was playing Mr. Bone's video, so she doesn't have his video at all.  And after Doug once again avoids a terrible inconvenience to his life, we are treated to the embarrassment of Mr. Bone playing Doug's video to his yodeling club, hilarity ensues.

Yes Doug, I am as confused as you are.

So I am not ashamed that I have many times written songs about the girls that I have liked in my day.  Many (if not all) of these songs have gone by the wayside, and a vast majority of them have been in notebooks that have since been thrown out.  I have older brothers, so having self written songs that you have spilled your heart into is never a good idea.  The ones that remain were the ones I have written since I went to college and had my own computer that is passworded and I know how to hide my files and folders correctly.  So for all those girls that go to school for me, you may be reading one of my songs specially written about you (but I highly doubt it, because of the ones I found to have moderate quality it has been quite some time since speaking with either of them.)  If you haven't picked up on the content of the last sentence, I will be displaying two of my self-written songs that I have found to be of at least mediocre quality.  For those who actually read my articles, rather than look at all the pretty pictures, this is a fantastic time to give me some feedback and feel free to comment any thoughts you have on my songs, I bet some of you know what I was feeling when I wrote these.  This first one, which I called "Repetition" is the more recent of the two, it dates to Summer 2009, while the second dates back to the preceding fall.


Repetition

The winds of change whispering in my ear,
but I can't understand I just cant hear,
as the world proceeds to pass me by,
you come on back for another try,
and I'm sucked in a hole and I just cant leave,
there are no more tricks hidden up my sleeve,
and as I try to talk my way out,
I begin to see what the voice was about.


and we cant keep on living this way,
cause some things gotta change and some things gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

Day 2, I'm walkin' down the street,
melting down in the summertime heat,
I catch a scent that's hard to place,
and everywhere I look I see your face,
my minds going wild what should I do?
'Cause I'll go crazy if its really you,
and over and over by no mishap,
I fall back down to the same ol' trap.

'Cause history repeats day by day,
and we cant keep on living this way,
cause somethings gotta change and somethings gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

I just wanna quit and run away,
do anything to make it okay,
but there's no escape your always there,
to catch my foot in your snare,
once again you got me caught,
in the same old mess that i brought,
and as the dilemma continues to grow,
I'm left wondering if you even know.

Clearing Haze

Smoke clears out from a burning room,
inside still floats the smell of her perfume.
The sight inside I can't behold,
as all of the world begins to unfold,
the truth lies asleep on the floor,
an unmistakable sight once through the door.

And seen clear as light through the haze,
her ashamed and apologetic gaze.
loneliness extends for miles down the hall,
as the hearts of the bystanders fall,
into the infinite valley of being self-aware,
as the whole world freezes right there.

No action, no words, no sound,
the images destroy the ties that bound,
the face that once gave so much life,
stabs the depths unfathomed by any knife,
deeper and deeper with every passing tick,
heartstrings bending make me sick.

She gets up and the moment has passed,
simultaneous with the sound of life collapsed,
shock, awe, sickness, depression, pain,
losing all in the world there was to gain,
appeasing lies once again flood the air,
and for the first time there's nobody to care.

Top 10 List! Favorite Youtube Videos!

I love top ten lists.  I love Youtube, it is perhaps one of the best things the Internet has caused to happen, and one would be hard pressed to name many more entertaining things out there.  So I would like to salute Youtube and it's quality programming by listing my top ten favorite Youtube videos out there.  This list will by no means be a definitive list, as I'm sure I will both forget videos and I will find more videos to take the lower ones' spots, but this is what I can come up with now.  The rules for this list are gonna be that I will only allow one video from any series of videos, no professionally done work (meaning no movie clips or official music videos), and no clips that got famous before the advent of Youtube but ended up there anyways.  So with that done, here it is.

10. Bed Intruder Song
This is why I stipulated that there be no "official" music videos on my list, because this is technically a music video, but was released specifically for Youtube audiences so I will allow it.  Let me note that this probably should be higher on the list, but I decided to put it on at number 10 because I care about you!  Yes, I care about you, the readers, and I put this as early as I possibly could to let you have some great reading music.  I hope you enjoy this video and song, and even if you don't I guarantee within the hour you will be subconsciously singing it to yourself.  My advice, applicable to regular music too is to not try to fight the infectious catchiness but to embrace and enjoy it.  I would also be willing to recommend any other video my Auto-Tune the News, especially the Double Rainbow song (the original Double Rainbow video barely failed to make this list... Damn I spoiled it).

9. Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot
If you watch this video and don't find it all that entertaining, you are not alone.  I was so completely baffled by this video and how it was able to ascertain so many views when I first discovered it.  But luckily this is why I was able to find and linked to a version of the video that plays the video on loop 5 times in a row, because the more you see this video the more entertaining it becomes.  I really wish I was in that news studio when it happened so I could know exactly what happened here.  Was Arthur completely stoned off his mind that he had to register her comment before laughing?  Did he not find the joke all that funny, but the teleprompter told him to laugh so he sarcastically did the goofiest laugh he was capable of?  Was there something inherently funny or interesting about the jacket itself?  Why does Arthur's jacket say "TV" on it?  Is this a local report or is this national Haiti broadcasting?  And finally, where is Arthur now and is he okay after the earthquakes?

8. MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!
Sure the description and the title of this video suggest that this video is, in actuality, an early teaser for a new Mortal Kombat (which is amongst my favorite video game series by the way) movie.  But I am not going to give this the benefit of the doubt and I will declare it, for now, just an extremely well produced and well acted Youtube video (ignoring the fact the guy who plays Jax was in The Dark Knight).  This is a little late, but I figure most would assume from the name, but this video is really violent and graphic, do not watch if you don't enjoy violence.  Personally, I am a fan of the Mortal Kombat brand so if this is indeed a trailer for an upcoming big screen film, I will be there the first day, but the fact this video kicks total ass isn't bad either.  Having said that I will have total biases against total characters and want to see two things should this be made into a complete movie.  First, they need to accept the fact the Moral Kombat creators have always seemed to favor Sub-Zero to Scorpion, so Sub-Zero needs to get the last laugh in that fight.  And secondly, they introduced Baraka into the mix, so I will be completely ripshit if there is not a single Kung Lao versus Baraka fight, as that is one of the most secretly cool rivalries in the Mythologies.

If this battle isn't included, I will be disappointed

7. I'm the Juggernaut Bitch

If you are a Youtube video, and you eventually get referenced in a big budget movie (lets ignore the fact X-men 3 was complete garbage) you are probably one of the best videos ever.  The best part of this video is that it likely is what the X-men cartoons would have been if it was the intention to make the most ghetto and offensive superhero cartoon ever.  The entire video is based upon them all being pimps, hoes, rapists and the Juggernaut, who is somehow a collection of all of the above.  If you know not to take a single second of this video seriously, it is one of the funniest and fun to quote youtube videos made.  It is hard to see this video and then do anything impressive or badass and not want to claim "I'm the Juggernaut bitch!"  Also to not be forgotten are also "I like your raincoat," anything talking about your "pimp cane" or one of my personal favorite quotes is Wolverine's only line "Hey what up?  How 'bout I take this shit off, y'know

6. Leprechaun in Alabama

I enjoy crazy news clips on Youtube, this video is a gleaming example, and will be used to represent crazy news clips in general, which should not be allowed on this list because they were not originally made to be on Youtube.  This is my favorite news clip on the site for a few reasons, first the fact that the premise of the video is completely ridiculous.  Second, the people they interview and the things they say are completely ridiculous.  Third, "Who else see the Leprechaun say YEAH!?", " Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" *extremely satisfied smile*.  Fourth, the "amateur sketch", I mean seriously?  Fifth, the guy who had the right idea and wanted to uproot the tree cause "I wanna know where the gold at!"  And lastly, I love this video because of the reaction you see from the newscasters after the clip is over, which is more or less "Did we really have nothing better to be showing today?  A story about a Leprechaun?  A FUCKING LEPRECHAUN?"  This will forever go into the annals of time to be amongst the worst cases ever seen of investigative journalism.

5. Demarcus and Chang

Even though it is a few seconds longer than the previously mentioned "Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot" this video has probably the highest comedy density of anything on Youtube.  Running a short 30 seconds long, this video first spoofs cheesy introductions for daytime talk shows by having probably the best and most stereotypical music for a daytime talk show.  BE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE THIS COMMENT.  But it also proves something to you that you have likely wondered for a long time but never bothered to ask anybody for a truthful answer, nor have probably shown the tendencies to make someone realize it, but you are indeed a racist asshole.  But it doesn't show you this to insult you, but rather to make you notice that you are likely not alone, and as long as it isn't violent, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  They exploit the fact that we do all stereotype, and obviously we see an Asian guy and a black guy, and we see the stereotypical names on the screen, what else are we to assume.  I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even occur to most people ahead of time that the names could be assigned in the manner the video shows them to be.  So much respect to Demarcus and Chang (if those are your real names!) to come up with such a clever video and to release for all of us to enjoy.

4. How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps
This is one of the few videos on Youtube that is infinitely accessible.  You will be able to relate to this video if you have ever been in a long term relationship, known someone in a long term relationship, have once heard about someone in a long term relationship, or have just in one way or another thought about the concept of a long term relationship.  Everybody knows that in any long term relationship the breakup is never the end, and there is still much to go before you eventually fade out of each other's lives (don't argue me on this one, it will happen without fail.)  For example, someone once told me that 94% of relationships that start in the summer before you start college go as following.  You date over the summer and things go well, you separate at college and things don't go as well, you break up during Columbus Day weekend, then hook back up during Thanksgiving break, and eventually break up just after New Years, and then let it go.  This video is basically the same concept except for the grown-ups.  I completely love this video, love the maker's dry humor, and love the way he draws the pictures as he describes them.  I completely suggest to everyone to check out more of the videos from his "Tales of Mere Existence" series, and most notably his second best video (which is just as sarcastically true) "What Would Penis Do?"  Also worth noting in this video is the "Happy Valentines Day (snicker)" found in the video's description. 


3. Drinking Out of Cups
Ignoring all the different theories regarding the source of the audio, this is easily the most ridiculous video I have ever seen and completely love it for that reason.  The entire video just shows an animated lizard in various scenery, ranging from the woods to under the see, and he is just spewing verbal diarrhea the entire time.  But this isn't just any verbal diarrhea, it is perhaps the most amazingly quotable thing I have ever listened to in my life.  Throughout my life I have been able to apply lines from this video to my own life and although most of the time it is followed with a blank stare, it is endlessly entertaining to myself.  I am now going to make a list of things that you will never be able to regard in the same way due to this video, lizards, knots, cups, balloons, walkways, floors, chairs, lighthouses, towels, seahorses and seashells.  So for the good of yourself, and everyone around you, watch this video if you have not seen it and spread the wealth.  There is no way you will regret it.

2. Rejected
So there are two things about this video that probably should have kept me from putting it on this list, first I have already linked to it before and I wanted to talk about videos that I hadn't had the chance to talk about yet, and secondly, this video was nominated for a mother fucking Academy Award.  The latter should instantly make it invalid for this list, since I did say "no professionally done work", but you know what?  Rules were meant to be broken and there is no better short film ever made that I should break this rule for.  So to discuss this video, I am going to point out that it is the perfect blend of the two videos that preceded it, it has the gritty cartoon style of "How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps" but instead of using it to convey a message of complete sarcasm and truth, it is used to convey a group of circumstances that are even more ridiculous and random than "Drinking Out of Cups."  The best part about the fact that it fuses these two videos together is that it does better than each in their own game, this video is nearly perfection.  It amazes me that there even exists a video that I could hold in higher regard than I do for Rejected, but since it is only ranked at number 2, and there must be a number 1, there is a video that I clearly do hold in higher regard....

1. Unforgivable

If you have never seen this video before it is unforgivable, and it is even more unforgivable if you don't like this video.  If anybody ever asked me to explain the point of Youtube to me, I would simply send them a link to this video.  It is merely a black man in the woods with a few of his friends and a video camera, what ensues is pure unedited and extremely vulgar genius.  The pure quotability and excess of hilarious situations and things that are said is amazing in this video.  It leaves me completely speechless, and I wouldn't be able to do it justice anyways, just watch it and enjoy.  Also it wouldn't be a bad idea to watch any of it's sequels either.

Too many Honorable mentions to name...

Thoughts on Thanksgiving

Another year is passing by once again, and as all the major holidays are either passing by or coming up I would like to take some time to note how my opinion of Thanksgiving has changed over the years.

That is exactly what it was like.

There was a time when I was younger when all Thanksgiving was was just a whole bunch of Pilgrims and Indians (Native Americans for those who care for such things) eating turkey and living peacefully.  Thanksgiving was just another day of the year where I would have to be a little kid and not be able to play with my favorite toys or video games for the day because my whole family was coming over.  I used to hate those days because I never liked to talk to grown ups, I just wanted to play and eat and sleep and just be a little kid.  Those days eventually ended and then a new dawn came.  I then got to the ages where I was in and around High School.  These Thanksgivings were different because I could no longer care less about Pilgrims or Indians or any of the savageries done by one to the other after the famous day of the turkey.  During these Thanksgiving days I would watch football, both the local high school game live, and then later whatever games the NFL would allow us to see.  These games usually involved me not caring as the Lions lost and rooting against the Cowboys as they inevitably won.  These days also became one of the few days my parents wouldn't care and allow me to sit with the family and enjoy a couple beers throughout the day.  But no matter what, during these time periods, I never looked forward to Thanksgiving much, and it was really just another reason to get a few days off of school.

<3 Hand Turkeys <3

But since my years of college have started, Thanksgiving has become something completely different to me and has slowly been working it's way up the list of my favorite holidays.  So since this is where I currently am in life, this is how I currently feel about Thanksgiving.  It is now not only a day off of school but something I completely look forward to as the calendar flips over into November.  The extended break from school (although it is still less than a week) is a much needed breather in the crowded life of a college student, and not only gives a few days reprieve from the seemingly never-ending workload that begins to become your life as you grow older, but it also allows a reason to get a monstrous home-cooked meal when you are used to mediocre dining hall food.  Since I enjoy food as much as the next guy, and I enjoy rest as much as the next guy, Thanksgiving is starting to become a true mix of the things in this world that I truly love.  Since these are probably common thoughts about Thanksgiving I will note that no matter how old I get I find that the allure of a Hand Turkey grows even larger than the days when I was a child and somehow believed that that is what turkeys actually looked like.  Let me leave you with some ideas for songs to help you enjoy and appreciate the spirit of thanksgiving.  Run to the Hills by Iron Maiden definitely captures the spirit quite well in my opinion, but if songs that recollect the way our American forefathers settled this great land in a masterpiece of heavy metal, then maybe this song will be much more suited to your fancy.  Ladies and Gentlemen please allow me to introduce you to the Tommy Seebach Band and their breathtaking video for the song Apache!

Project Yancey: Episode 26: Doug Takes the Case

We open on the Bluffington School on a Thursday morning.  Doug using some kind of police investigator voice tells us about how Bee Bee had her dad's expensive boom box in school that day but it went missing before the day was out.  Doug decides to investigate the matter, and dubs himself "The Chameleon" as we see a quite awesome intro video for this character showing that he is indeed a master of disguise.  I don't think anybody is questioning the mastery of stealth when someone is capable of disguising themselves as a brick wall as their dog poses as a detour sign to catch a petty burglar.  But lets get back to the matter at hand, Mr. Bluff is now at the frond of their classroom yelling at the kids about someone being a thief and all in all being a stuck up rich guy, all while embarrassing  Bee Bee to the point where she sinks under her desk.  Since even children realize that stuck up rich folk are shitheads, Mr. Bone takes over and tells the kids that if the radio is not returned by 4 o'clock that afternoon the entire class would get detention!  This is when Doug gets sucked into the problem, Patti immediately whines to Doug about how she has beetball practice that afternoon and it will be ruined if she has detention.  That is enough motivation for Doug, who immediately thinks to start checking out suspects and searching for clues.  His obvious first thought is that Roger did it, and he even has an extended daydream of the Chameleon chasing Roger while disguised as a school locker, it doesn't look very mobile.  But when Doug decides to run his thoughts past Skeeter (by the way Doug is still maintaining the goofy voice I mentioned earlier), it is pointed out that Roger was in the Principal's office the entire day, so there was no possible way he could have stolen the boom box.  After this, Doug starts from scratch and asks Bee Bee if she has any suspects, but she plays it off oddly relaxed and tells him to take it easy, even telling him that detention is better than some things (her example was getting a bad haircut.)  But not being one to let Patti down Doug manages to find out Boomer sits behind her in class so suspects him of doing it.  Doug now decides to follow him around (Does he really think a guy wearing what looks to be a Star Trek shirt stole a radio?) but Boomer notices Doug following him and asks him to help carry some books.  As Boomer collects his books, Doug finds a piece of the radio on the ground (really? a piece was just laying around all day and nobody saw it?) and found it came from the locker next to Skeeter's.  Deciding to ask Skeeter about it, Doug jets off and totally leaves Boomer screwed by himself trying to carry way too many books.  But Doug doesn't need to ask any questions of Skeeter as when he opens the door to the metal shop and sees Skeeter in there with the radio!  As Doug tries to decide if he wants to turn Skeeter in or not we are treated to a nice cutscene that answers the question we have all been wondering, what would Skeeter look like if he was a crack addict?  So before school ends Mrs. Wingo gives one more chance to the students to turn it in, she turns out the lights and closes the shades so nobody will see who turns it in.  Once Doug realizes Skeeter isn't going to make a move he starts bringing the radio forward himself and Roger (being an ass) flicks the lights on.  But before Doug can be blamed, Bee Bee breaks into tears telling everybody that she broke the radio and Skeeter was fixing it for her, and when her dad asked about it she panicked and said someone stole it.  So hopefully Bee Bee learned a lesson in the truth, and Doug learned a lesson in trusting his friends, and Mr. Bluff didn't learn a thing about not being a snob.

If Skeeter smoked crack!

Damn thieves, they never learn. This episode constitutes what I can call a "television scenario", it will likely never happen in anybody's real life, but it is an easily conceivable situation that makes for a moderately entertaining storyline.  To my knowledge, show and tell thefts are probably at an extremely low percentage, especially with something as big as that boombox appeared to be.  All I ever remember show and tell being when I was a young child was excuses for children to bring their Beanie Babies into school for a day and show off that they had some platypus or bear or something like that.  And even then, your Beanie Baby was perfectly safe and nobody would steal it, even if it was the coolest Beanie Baby ever made. So, I'm sorry... I took a week to think about this one and really just can't relate.  I wanted to take the investigation route, but I already told my stories about that.  But don't worry, theres probably some really good episodes coming up, and I got some top ten ideas cooking.  See you next time!

Remember these things?

Project Yancey: Episode 25: Doug Out In Left Field

This is what I'm talking about, the episode kicks us off at a baseball stadium and Patti Mayonnaise being called to the plate.  As she apparently has a batting average of 1.000 (that's perfect for you all scoring at home), she promptly smacks the first pitch for a triple with the worst swing ever (and she also has a foot on the plate so she should technically be out.)  The next batter is Doug, who is announced to be the worst hitter in the league (the only possible parallel is they are the Rays, Patti is Evan Longoria and Doug is Carlos Pena without any power), and he shows why by missing the first two pitches for a quick two strikes.  Doug wonders why Patti only needs help with things he isn't good at when the next pitch blows by him right down the middle, we should assume he was struck out.  So now we return to real life and Doug and Skeeter are at their lockers when Coach Spitz is making an announcement on the intercom that tryouts for the softball team are open to all boys that day after school.  When they get to the tryouts they are promptly turned away along with many others for varying reasons, "negative muscle mass" for Doug and "negative brain mass" for Skeeter. He ends up giving a tryout to some kid in catcher's gear, who turns out to be really good.  When Coach Spitz tells the kid they are on the team and asks for their name, the kid pulls off the mask and reveals the face of Patti Mayonnaise underneath the mask.  Since Patti is a girl he kicks her off the team immediately by telling her to "hit the showers" which he quickly revises to "the girls' showers."  A dejected Patti goes to the bleachers with the rest of the cast-offs and decides the unite them as a team to take on the very team they were trying out for, the Honkers.  When she tells the rest of her band of misfits when practice is gonna be she tells them "I'm counting on you!" and happens to point to Doug who thinks she is solely counting on him.  Their practice the next day doesn't go very smoothly, players are complaining, Doug can't hit, and there was even a stereotypical scene where 3 players converge to catch a ball shallow in the outfield and all give way to the others causing the ball to land safely on the ground.  So after this abysmal showing Doug and Patti talk about it, and they decide they need a way to unite them all as a team.  Right on cue the ice cream man drives by and asks them if they want ice cream, and then continues to ramble about how when you want ice cream you just find someone with a Mr. Swirley uniform (the ice cream man also looks strikingly like Doug with soft serve on his head and if he lived the GTL lifestyle), which makes them think to get uniforms to unite the team.  So Doug is able to scrounge together matching Patti's Pulverizers bumper stickers to put on everyone's backs so they are dressed similarly and feel like a team.  Thanks to the power of being a team, they are able to limit the score so they are only losing 3-1 by the time Skeeter hits a 2-out double in the last inning.  This leaves Doug up with the game on the line, and in his nervousness he forgets to grab a helmet, this is when the magic happens.  Patti tosses Doug a helmet and notices him catch it with his left hand!  She then tells him since he is a lefty he should hit lefty (how did he not think of that), which causes him to hit a double as well.  So now Patti is up with Doug on second and they are losing by one.  She anticlimactically hits a ball hard which is caught on a dive by the other team's center fielder, and they lose.  Because of this showing their team is excited about how close they got, Patti turns down a chance to play for the Honkers because she loves her team and wants to challenge them to play again next week!  The End.

That is definitely GTL Doug working as a ice cream man so he can afford to party.

So this is absolute perfect timing, much like Patti's Pulverizers the 2010 World Series champion San Francisco Giants were also a band of rejects.  Thanks to this perfect timing I am going to write a piece that I decided against when it first happened, so without further ado, I present the 50  reasons its awesome that the Giants won the World Series!
1. Brian Wilson's beard.
2. Sergio Romo's beard. (for a good view of  1 and 2)
3. Edgar Renteria being the MVP despite not starting in the NLCS.
4. Pablo Sandoval being the most popular player on the team despite being benched for most of the playoffs.
5. Buster Posey changing my mind on who the NL Rookie of the Year should be.
6. Aubrey Huff admitting that he wore a "lucky" red thong for all the games from August on.
7. Freddy Sanchez finally getting the chance to show off on the national stage making tons of awesome plays at second base by harnessing the power of a huge mole on his cheek.
8. Juan Uribe having a career year and reminding people that he exists and won a World Series before.
9. Pat Burrell being dropped from the Rays halfway through the year and then winning the World Series.
10. Aaron Rowand being the highest-payed positional player on the Giants and not getting a single start in the playoffs.
11. Andres Torres coming from nowhere and playing great all this year and setting the table many times in the series.
12. Cody Ross for being a 29 year old who is balding and hits homers all playoffs.
13. Cody Ross being the quickest I have come from hating a player (single-handedly beating my Braves) to absolutely loving him (hitting two homers off of Halladay less than a week later)  
14. The fact that Benjie Molina was traded to the Rangers to make room for Buster Posey and ended up playing against his old team in the World Series.
15. Travis Ishikawa's existence (seriously what a sweet name!)
16. Watching the Giant's pitching staff is almost as good as the Shawshank Redemption.
17. Tim Lincecum's hair.
18. Tim Lincecum's pitching.
19. Matt Cain dominating every game he pitched and finally showing everybody that he is a total bulldog.
20. Jonathan Sanchez was expected to be the breakout pitching star of the playoffs but didn't deliver.
21. Madison Bumgarner did deliver.
22. The last 4 players I mentioned will be superstars some day, and were all brought up through the Giant's organization.
23. Barry Zito being the highest-paid player on the Giants and being left off of the roster for the entire playoffs.
24. Barry Zito being reminded how good his curveball used to be whenever he had to watch Cliff Lee pitch against them, who somehow resurrected the famous 2002 Zito curve.
25. Ramon Ramirez being traded from the Red Sox to the Giants after blowing too many games and continuing to blow games.
26. I thought Mark Derosa was going to be huge when he signed with the Giants this offseason, I just remembered now he signed with the Giants this offseason.
27. Bruce Bochy has the world's largest head.
28. The World Series reminded me of 2002 when J.T. Snow saved Dusty Baker's son.
29. They lost the world series in 2002 with Barry Bonds and then won in 2010 without Barry Bonds.
30. This hopefully will mean San Francisco Giants and Barry Bonds won't be synonymous anymore.
31. Willie Mays's catch from the last time the Giants won a World Series (they were the New York Giants).
32. At&T Park is the third most beautiful stadium in sports (under Fenway Park and Wrigley Field).
33. Guys sit in canoes in the San Francisco Bay behind AT&T Park just hoping to get a chance to get a ball.
34. AT&T Park has an area where people are allowed to watch the game for free for three innings behind a chain link fence in the right field wall.
35. This probably caused the first parade in San Francisco in at least a decade that did not involve gay pride.
36. The Giants aren't the Yankees
37. The Giants aren't the Phillies
38. For the second straight year the World Series winner decline their option on the World Series MVP.
39. A Black and Orange team won the World Series the day after Halloween.
40. A team who's fans held up signs that said "fear the beard" won the World Series on the first day of No Shave November.
41. I properly used The Bad News Bears as my movie connection for them.
42. I had them ranked 5th in my playoff rankings (wasn't that bad.)
43. I wrote that I didn't understand how there offense wins games, and I'm still not sure.
44. Nolan Ryan is 63 and still throws 86 mph fastballs in a suit! (Okay sure that's about the Rangers' president but it is still amazing!)
45. Their World Series champion shirts were awesome! (see picture)
46. Nobody expected them to even make the playoffs as recently as late August.
47. They almost had to play a 163rd game to even make the playoffs.
48. They only stood a chance to make the playoffs because the Padres hit a 10 game losing streak and showed me a sports equivalent of the X-men movie trilogy.
49. Brian Wilson is now one of my favorite baseball players despite my massive bias against closers and mohawks.
50. This picture only exists because the Giants won the World Series. (see below)

Brian Wilson, Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain... Magical

Project Yancey Episode 24: Doug is Quailman

How Perfect to give me a cover shot!

Finally, we get a long overdue extended intro to Quailman, complete with description of the Planet Bob, title banner and credo.  Also a great entry in the beginning in this episode is the introduction of Quaildog, and the list of Quailman's abilities to bob, dart and stupefy.  So once this simply amazing extended intro is over, we are brought to Doug finishing his first Quailman comic and are sent directly into the Quailman story after the title screen.  Quailman is sitting on his comfy chair in the Thicket of Solitude watching television when a hair care commercial is broken up by breaking news that Dr. Klotzenstein (not to be mistaken with his alter-egos Klotzilla, Baron von Klotz, and the Cyklotz) is on the lose and is in Bluffington under the disguise of Roger Klotz (Doug is really subtle when he uses people he knows as artistic influence.)  To this news Quailman decides to do absolutely nothing other than stay on the alert.  So while Quailman is on the alert, we are brought to what is usually Doug's science class with Professor Ogie.  (Key part) Roger starts the class out by making a terrible pun about his "Aunt Phibian" (get it amphibian?) as he throws his frog at Patti.  But once the shock of how terrible that pun was, Prof. Ogie walks into the class and tells the students there will be a pop quiz, which everyone shudders at other than Roger.  Roger shows why he was excited as when the teacher asks the questions to people in the class he steals their thoughts and answers the questions for them.  These questions range from how many bones are in the body to which planet has the longest rotation around the sun (Pluto isn't a planet anymore Roger!) to Newton's third law of motion.  This sequence leaves me in complete shock that someone could create a device that wipes people's minds empty, but doesn't even know Newton's laws.  Amazed by Roger's progress, Prof. Ogie decides to go get Mr. Bone and leaves Roger in charge.  Roger in turn shows the class his "Brain Drain" and drains everyone in the classes brains.  This leaves the entire class acting like they are on Valium (which is apparently what it's like to have no brain) but Patti still manages to make the quail call, and summons Quailman and Quaildog to the scene.  Quailman promptly gets to class and realizes whats going on quickly since Dr. Klotzenstein has no problem explaining his entire plot to Quailman immediately.  Now the showdown begins as Dr. Klotzenstein tries to drain Quailman's brain, but he is able to evade the beam quick enough to hide.  While hiding, he finds Roger's Aunt Phibian under a desk and tricks Dr. Klotzenstein into draining the brain of the frog.  This causes him to become Toad from the X-men, and a simple whistle returns the brains of all the students.  It is just then that Prof. Ogie and Mr. Bone come into the class and see that Quailman fixed the situation and Quailman flies away through a closed window, thus breaking it.  The episode concludes with Quailman and Quaildog getting permanent hall passes from Mr. Bone and zooms out to Doug and Porkchop celebrating the end of their first comic.

See!?  It's the exact same thing!

Well isn't this hard, I am not a superhero.  I have no superhero alter-ego.  I never wrote a comic.  I am not as imaginative as Doug is.  And lastly, I have never done anything that could be construed as heroic.  So this all leaves me sitting here trying to make some kind of stretch as to what I could possibly write about that would connect to this episode and would not indirectly ruin my stories for any later episodes.  (Thinking....) I got it!  I'll discuss superheroes to the best of my ability.  The best of my ability to discuss superheroes is simply to talk about Spiderman since he is by far my favorite superhero and probably the only one that I would be able to make an attempt at rambling about.  One of my favorite food for thought games to play when I am bored and talking to random people is to ask them if they could remake any movie ever with themselves as the main character, which movie and character would they pick.  Mine has always been Peter Parker/Spiderman from the first Spiderman movie in the Sam Raimi/Tobey McGuire series.  I have always been able to connect with the character of Peter Parker as I am a semi-nerdy kid who has a talent for science (mathematics in my case) and I like to think that if I got superpowers from a radioactive spider that I would use them for good.  My problem with really telling people about this is that I have recently found that people like to tell me that I kind of look like Tobey McGuire, which I am not completely sure if it is a good thing (he's not a bad looking guy by any means but I mean you never hear girls go "OMG I <3 Tobey McGuire! He is sooooo HAWT!").  Those first two movies are among my favorites, and my gripes about the third movie are probably what most other people have with it (what the hell is the deal with Peter Parker trying to be an emo ladies man? And why would anybody be dumb enough to cast Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom.)  Okay, so I think I've rambled enough but I want to end on this note.  If you are reading this Hollywood Execs, send me an email, I want to play Eddie Brock and Venom in the new Spiderman Reboot you are doing.  I could totally be sold as the photography rival of the kid from Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and I could easily sell the craziness of Venom, just trust me.  Readers, you can help too get the "Chase Robertson as Eddie Brock" campaign going, together we can do it!

Really? That kid? Please make me Eddie Brock so I can kick his ass a little!

P.S. Thank you Denmark for your recent support!  Keep tuning in and send Prince Hamlet my regards!

My Top Ten Albums of the 2000s

This is a little piece I've been wanting to write for a little while now, I listen to a good heap of music which is mostly from the 90s so when I like something new it usually blows me away to some extent.  What I am about to give you is the list of albums that seemed to have blown me away, and are in the order of how good I feel they are right now.  For each I would like to give a short explanation of why I like it and specific songs worth listening to and hopefully for each a suggestion of songs that should have been released as singles.  The only rules to this list are that only one album is allowed per artist, no compilations/greatest hits albums and it is solely based on my opinion.  So starting with the bottom we will work our way to the top, which brings me to my list...

10. The Reason - Hoobastank

I really for the life of me don't know what I like so much about this album, but I know it is one I can listen to at any time and enjoy so that means something there.  I also find it funny that the single that made this album famous, and also from which the album gets it's title is easily my least favorite song on the album.  The album starts out really strong seeing that Same Direction and Out of Control are probably the two best songs on this album and I would especially recommend the first for anybody to listen to (love the guitar in that song).  The rest of the album (save for The Reason) follows in the same vein and while it sounds similar throughout, it is always a good listen.  Since every song I have already mentioned was released as a single, I need to name another to fill my quota, so I would elect my third favorite song on the album, that being Escape, mostly because I like the drums and the chorus is a little catchy.

9. Cage the Elephant - Cage the Elephant

This album I really know why I put it on, and the reason is because they take all the qualities I enjoy in Jack White's music (more about this later), and apply a different energy to it.  Seriously, try to listen to Ain't No Rest for the Wicked without thinking to yourself that this is just a really sweet song.  All of the songs on this album are, at the very worst, easy to listen to and if you are one for playing an album full through to listen to without having any real changes, this is as good an album as many.  This album shows a hell of a lot of energy in it, more notably seen in In One Ear, Tiny Little Robots, Lotus, and Judas. The singles released from this album, Ain't No Rest for the Wicked, In One Ear, and Back Against the Wall were all excellent calls in my idea, but if I had to make a complaint, it would be that Lotus wasn't a single (but there is still time for them to remedy this situation.

8. Consolers of the Lonely - The Raconteurs

Didn't I just mention my love for Jack White?  This album was released far past the point when I began loving his work, but it succeeded in showing me some more ways that he can kick some ass with a guitar in his hands.  After a first Raconteurs album that I wasn't particularly interested in, this album was released and brought with it a really cool southern vibe to it.  To suggest some songs, I would recommend to listen to at the very least the first 8 songs on this album, each of which are really cool to me and very enjoyable.  For example the piano-heavy You Don't Understand Me, and bringing in a brass section for The Switch and the Spur were some really nice ways to mix their album up.  Again, no complaints with the single selections, Salute Your Solution and Many Shades of Black (both of which among my favorites on the album), I would've liked to see either the title track, or The Switch and the Spur get the single treatment, but again, no complaints at all.

7. The College Dropout - Kanye West

This was the beginning of the end for Mr. West.  Before he got extremely famous and began to lose the qualities that made him famous in the first place (yet somehow got more famous for it), he was a young man with issues to discuss and did so with many heartfelt rhymes.  This debut was pretty much an instant hit on the power of his first single Through the Wire, in which he rapped about an injury which caused his jaw to be wired shut with his jaw wired shut.  You can't get many raps more real than that,  and he even followed that up with the semi-prophetic All Falls Down, and the religiously-driven Jesus Walks.  This is easily one of the most important rap albums released in the decade, and one of the very few that I genuinely enjoy listening to.  I would recommend anybody to listen to Family Business, We Don't Care, Get Em' High, and Spaceship, although would only wish the last one would have been a single.

6. Audioslave - Audioslave

A supergroup?!? Yes, I put an album from a supergroup on my top 10 albums of a decade, and you know what?  I would probably do so with the 90s as well.  Grunge artists manage to do great things with supergroups.  This time being Chris Cornell with the backing band from Rage Against the Machine, and even though sometimes in the album I pined to hear Zach De la Rocha doing his thing, this is a respectable rock album.  Listen to the songs Like a Stone, Getaway Car, Shadow on the Sun and Show Me How to Live.  I hope you listen to this album before any of the others because this is what should have been and Audioslave's later works were complete let downs (except for Be Yourself, which is probably their best song as a band).

5. Artist in the Ambulance - Thrice

This album is not for everyone, but I have had a love for it since the first time my brother told me to listen to it and this list is not for everyone.  This is without a doubt the heaviest album on this list and is my favorite for the guitar.  If you would like to listen to 12 songs of someone just thrashing on a guitar with a pretty versatile singer more or less yelling in the background (most people who I tell I like Thrice wonder how I like the singing, but truth is I love the vocal range he as and is the one thing that I think sets them apart from other bands of their type.)  Their singles are all very good from this album, All That's Left was the first heavy song I learned to play, Artist in the Ambulance is easily the most approachable song on the album, and Stare at the Sun is a close second.  I wouldn't really recommend any singles to be released because this isn't a mainstream album, but I would love to suggest anybody listen to Blood Clots and Black Holes for one of my favorite guitar songs ever, and also Abolition of Man is well worth listening to even if it is just for the ending.

4. White Blood Cells - The White Stripes

The first album in which I actually had to think about which album was my favorite from that artist (even if I chose Elephant it would be #4).  I ended up deciding on White Blood Cells because it was a more bluesy album, and when I listen to the White Stripes I like to hear some of the blues.  To talk more about my love for Jack White, this album might not be his best on the guitar, but I'm not let down by it at all, mainly because I just like the small town kid vibe of the entire album.  The singles from this album, Hotel Yorba (my favorite on the album), Fell in Love With a Girl, Dead Leaves on the Dirty Ground, and We're Gonna Be Friends (more commonly known as the song that plays during the intro credits of Napoleon Dynamite) were all perfect choices and in that order are probably my favorite songs on the album.  But I really am disappointed I'm Finding It Harder to Be a Gentleman and Same Boy You've Always Known weren't singles either, they are both really good.

3. Hot Fuss - The Killers

It really is hard to describe how good this album is, and it is really hard to believe that even though I had this album since shortly after it's release, that it took me nearly 5 years to finally give it the full-through listen that it deserves.  This album really does not have any bad songs, or hell even a bad note.  To recommend a song I would just tell you to sit down and play it all the way through,.  You will enjoy the singles released, Mr. Brightside (simply amazing), Somebody Told Me (barely less amazing), All These Things That I've Done and Smile Like You Mean It, and you will enjoy all the rest of the songs just as much.  This album does a great job of maintaining a similar song throughout but at no point do any of the songs sound alike, which is something I find quite awesome.  But please listen to Midnight Show and Andy, You're a Star, you won't regret it.

2. Speakerboxx/The Love Below - Outkast

There are incredibly many reasons why I should have put this as number one on my list.  First, even though this was a set of two albums, either one would have been on this list had they been released separately under the names Big Boi and Andre 3000 respectively.  Secondly, I listened to this album when it first came out and was stunned by it, I listened to this album years later and was stunned by it, and am currently listening to it and am stunned by it.  This album is not number one for the sole reason that I am a total fanboy (you will understand in a second).  Speakerboxx is one of the best straight rap albums that I have ever listened to, only rivaled by The College Dropout and Dr. Dre's 2001.  The Love Below is a series of love songs from Andre 3000, who despite being a rapper first in old times only raps in a handful of songs on this album.  To understand why Speakerboxx is so good, listen to The Way You Move and War.  For a taste of the Love Below, listen to Hey Ya, Roses, and Behold a Lady (which I am going to post a video below because it is that amazing. )



1. A Crow Left of the Murder... - Incubus

To me, choosing my favorite Incubus album is what I expect it is like for a parent to choose their favorite child.  Either you just are unable to do it, or  it fluctuates so often that you couldn't even say because it would only be moments before the answer has changed.  Luckily the decision was made a little easier since S.C.I.E.N.C.E. and Make Yourself (my favorite of the bunch) were both released in the 90s.  So really this spot belongs to A Crow Left of the Murder..., Morning View and Light Grenades.  I chose ACLotM, because of the power that it brings with songs like Megalomaniac, Talk Shows on Mute, Sick Sad Little World, Here in My Room, and the title track A Crow Left of the Murder.  I am not even going to recommend any songs for this album, but I rather will tell you to go out and buy the entire Incubus discography, I have never told anybody to do that who hasn't later returned to me agreeing that it was necessary.  So yes, I am an Incubus fanatic, and only put this album above some others because I have such a deep love with them that I owed it to them.  You know what I have to say to that?  I genuinely do think Incubus's three albums during the 2000s were the three  best albums released in the 2000s.  So step off and don't try to tell me otherwise.

Honorable Mentions: Black Gives Way to Blue - Alice in Chains, Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix - Phoenix, Backspacer - Pearl Jam, Only By the Night - Kings of Leon, and As Daylight Dies - Killswitch Engage.

If you like this list, like my recommendations, or have any music recommendations for me please write it in my comments.  I'm all ears.

Project Yancey: Episode 23: Doug Says Goodbye

Bee Bee is going to have a big costume party and Doug and Skeeter are going to go as members of the Beets (good timing given it is less than a week after Halloween), even though Skeeter happened to have a perfect Chap Lipman costume, but Doug still had to find a wig for his costume.  Unfortunately the wig quickly lost it's importance as Doug goes to school the next morning and Skeeter informs him that he is moving and can't go to the costume party the next night.  Although Doug asks for more information about the move, Skeeter unfortunately can't tell him anything more than his father just told him to pack his stuff up for the next day, and that's all that was said.  This terrible news takes us to a great retrospective of Doug and Skeeter's relationship thus far (seeing this is the season 1 finale, it is also a retrospective on the first season as a whole) as we revisit the first time Doug and Skeeter met at the Honker Burger, the time Skeeter taught Doug how to dance, and who could forget when they met the Beets and got to air guitar with them?  Doug next contemplates ways he could stop the Valentines from moving, but while he can imagine Quailman would give Mr. Valentine the Quail-Eye and Smash Adams would basically threaten the movers from letting them move, he as Doug can't do anything to prevent the move.  He would merely just hang on to the bumper of the car as it zooms along the street away from Bluffington.  Fortunately(?) Doug's ideas are unnecessary, as Skeeter claims he doesn't have to move and curiously runs off.  The next thing we know Doug is sitting in the kitchen looking melancholy while his mother comes in with the perfect wig for his costume.  This doesn't seem too important to Doug at the moment, but things get important as Doug goes to try his costume on for his mom and finds Skeeter in his closet!  After getting his mother out of the room, he asks Skeeter what the deal is, and it is revealed they are gonna be "secret brothers" and will live together in Doug's room forever.  Not much later, they go to the Honker Burger to get a celebratory shake, and Skeeter even dresses in costume so nobody would be able to realize its him and tell his parents where he is.  Unfortunately the costume is terrible and everyone knows it is Skeeter.  It seems the only person in the Honker Burger who doesn't notice Skeeter is Mr. Valentine, who is looking for him because he never came home from school.  This is when Doug realizes that Skeeter's family will really miss him and realized its for the best they don't live together.  He tells Skeeter that he has to move and that they can still be friends, and even exchange Skeeter's lucky penny for Doug's comb as mementos.  After an awkward goodbye on a par with when a couple has to literally be pulled apart by their friends to stop talking and get on with their lives, the sad Doug "doo doo dooo" theme plays in the back and they are separated for good.  Doug tries to say one last goodbye to Skeeter the next morning before he leaves, but he shows up in time to see the Valentine family car zoom off.  Not knowing what to do next, Doug sits on the stoop and sulks, but oddly enough Skeeter comes out of the house and is like sup dawg?  This is when the happy ending comes (ready for it...) Skeeter's move was only to the basement, and now he has rockin' basement room!  They will be friends forever those two!

Skeeter!!! Come out of the closet!

Oddly I started the season with the story of my first few weeks at college and the inevitable change that brought, so why not end the first season with the prequel to that.  I had the same friends for most of my life at that point and was going to be separated from them for the first time in my life, so this is the story of my move away from the friends I had always held so dear.  I was the first to move out to college, and did so nearly 3 weeks before anybody else at that, so even though we did have an older friend who already had a year of college under his belt, this was the beginning of the first mass dispersion.  I don't remember much of what we did in those last few days other than the Applebee's dinner the night before I left, it was an apt farewell as we are all cheap and hungry, and Applebee's is cheap and satisfying.  The rest of the summer was more or less our last real time to be free and hang out all the time, the following summers saw our work schedules always at odds so being able to hang out all the time became difficult.  The summer was full of all our usual activities, wiffleball games, frisbee games, video games, hanging out in general, and the card game that will never die, MLB Showdown 2000/2001.  Those are truly the activities that define my summers and the times with those friends (obviously with much more specialized events in there but those are too numerous to count.)  But not being one to disappoint I will point out two of the massive highlights of that summer that I will always hold dear.  The first was the Pearl Jam concert that I have already discussed.  The other is still one of the more interesting times of my life, I, along with two friends of mine, crashed a toga party hosted by one of their parents, and it was both the first and last time the three of us would drink together that summer, but we definitely made it an experience worthwhile.  I would lastly like to thank  any such friends who are reading this, you all are good people I tell you, thanks.

Buddha!!!!!

Project Yancey: Episode 22: Doug's Fair Lady

The episode begins and cues the cheesy stereotypical game show music because Patti is on the theoretical game show "Your Saturday Night" where she is deciding between three possible ways to spend her Saturday night.  The first is writing an extra credit paper on the mating habits of some fly with Mrs. Wingo, the second is staying at home and washing her hair (which probably does take a whole night with that perm of hers doesn't it?), and the last is exploring the mating habits of human beings (albeit the most purely innocent ones) by going to the tri-county fair with Doug Funnie!  The time has come when she has to make a decision, and in her lack of decisiveness, Doug thinks to himself about how much he would love the first date of his life to be with Patti Mayonnaise.  This whole idea comes to mind when Doug and Skeeter see the sign for the tri-county fair which is the next day, as they discuss this Patti comes by and Doug gets a genius idea.  Based on his blank stare and being zoned out, Skeeter knows exactly what Doug is thinking and suggests they can do a group thing with them two, Porkchop, Bee Bee (Skeeter's gal) and Patti, and maybe Patti could even sit next to him on the giant Ferris wheel!  As Doug imagines how glorious that could be, it is the two of them on the Ferris wheel, and Doug is serenading her on his banjo with a tune so great I need to write the lyrics, "You and me go round and round, from the sky to the ground, with the moonlight high above, looking at you could be love."  So when they get back to Doug's house, they get out the phone book and have Doug call Patti up, he gets really nervous that she will reject him so it takes a try or two, but he finally connects with her and clearly shows his lack of experience, even Skeeter rolls his eyes a few times amazed that Doug is so clumsy with his words.  When he can't remember why he called, Porkchop and Skeeter help him by holding up a sign that says "go to the fair stupid" which Doug stupidly repeats word for word.  Perhaps not caring that Doug just called her stupid, Patti accepts and Doug falls back in his chair full of excitement.  Unfortunately the first thing that happens when they meet up at the fair is that Roger finds them and decides to tag along with them.  Since they are at a fair, the only thing to do is to play games for stuffed animals.  Doug is pretty much the only one of them not showered in cheap stuffed animals by nightfall and their decision to go on the Ferris wheel, and worse than that Doug's confidence is ruined by Patti even rooting for Roger in the games!  So Doug goes to the Ferris wheel and sits hoping that Patti will come sit next to him, something that manages to happen shortly after, and when she asked if she could sit with him, Doug's face stretched into such a large deformed smile, I swore the episode was going to segue into the Black Hole Sun music video (by the way, Superunknown is probably the 3rd best album of the 90's in my mind.)  It turns out this is the fastest Ferris wheel on Earth, not quite as romantic, but they have a good time on it and even afterwards Patti helps Doug out of the seat and he holds on to her hand as the fair's fireworks go off, Doug is totally loving it.  I need to quote Doug for how cool it was, "Even if it was only for a second, even if she was only helping me off the Ferris wheel, Patti Mayonnaise and I held hands at the tri-county fair for a solid 20 seconds!"

They are having a blast!  The teddy bear looks a little calm for being on such an exciting ride though...

So now that we have seen Doug's first date (it was technically a "Group Thing", but you gotta give the kid some credit), it would be proper for me to talk about my first date, but unfortunately it wasn't very interesting, plus it was already touched on a little in a previous article.  So rather than do that, I think I will discuss one of my more intriguing situations of going on "group things".  This happened a little more than a year and a half ago, during the summer when I was home from school.  I spent my time working at a local grocery store, which I must say does a good job of hiring an attractive slew of cashiers, and although I was older than most of them by at least a year, it was my last year of being able to work there where a majority of the workers were within a "dateable" age range for myself.  So knowing this ahead of time I went to work and tried to make my good impressions, and it didn't take too long until I made two of them, both of which were rather attractive girls and also happened to be best friends.  So before long a friend of mine as well as myself were invited to visit them at a nearby beach where they were vacationing, and since this friend of mine was recently on a date with one of them, we (read: me) kind of assumed it was a "group thing".  So when the day finally came it was a really confusing situation since things didn't work out with my friend's date and I figured the other one was into me and we were gonna go with that flow.  So when we got there the tables had been turned and we had switched up the sides, which I really didn't react to but definitely should have.  For some reason I was unable to adapt to the change and turn my attentions to the girl that was clearly giving me more attention, so I spent most of the day basically sending myself into a spiral that I was too dumb to easily avoid.  Either that or it wasn't meant to be a date-esque meeting anyways and I thought too much into it.  All I know was that in retrospect it wasn't a bad experience at all, and maybe next time I find myself in such a position I will be able to not screw myself over, but theres no use in crying over spilled milk, you just gotta ride along and find a store that is still open so you can buy more milk and attempt to not spill this milk, and even if you do spill it and you think it's too late, gas stations are usually open 24/7 and you can still buy milk there, and as long as you don't spend all your money on milk that you go on to spill, theres no excuse in crying over spilled milk because you can just get some more.  I guess what I'm trying to say is theres a lot of fish in the sea so get out of your little lake.  But I can cry because it was raining so I didn't even go to the beach that day.

Unfortunately I can't think of a picture that would apply to this story, so I will explain why I've been writing so few articles lately.  I've had work and this...

Project Yancey: Episode 21: Doud's Runaway Journal

This episode starts off rather strangely, it doesn't apply the typical Doug formula of Doug's voice narrating his journal passage as he writes it, why is this?  Because he cannot find his journal, and the beginning scene features him searching every nook and cranny of his room trying to find it but no cigar.  As he begins searching the house beyond his room, Judy hears him and peeks out of her room to see what is going on, and sees a crazed Doug searching around.  He notices her and asks if she's seen it but she hasn't seen his diary (JOURNAL!), and proceeds to watch Doug go completely berserk, even checking for it in the toilet.  She advises Doug to sleep on it, but we find this advice wasn't very helpful as Doug has nightmares about his journal getting destroyed and wakes up in a cold sweat.  His next idea is to retrace his steps, a phrase in which he takes too literally as he walks the same path he walked yesterday, except walking backwards and inspecting the ground under every step he took.  This first takes him to the Honker Burger drive-thru, who he asks but they haven't seen the diary either (IT'S A JOURNAL!), so he proceeds to walk backwards to his previous(?) location.  Next he finds himself in the library talking to the librarian, after making a poor choice of words and asking if anybody found a book the day before, he refines his question and asks if anybody found his journal, and no diary (JOURNALLLLLL!!!) was found.  Finally he ends up at school, and realizes the possibility that somebody found and read his journal.  Knowing Doug's nature, he hears people laughing and assumes they are discussing his personal matters from his journal, which he assumes everyone had read.  These matters include (but are not limited to): Doug thinking he got a pimple only for it to actually be a mosquito bite, Doug being afraid of taking the trash out at night, and his thinking that Mr. Bone's ears wiggle when he gets angry.  Mrs. Wingo asks Doug what is wrong and shortly puts his mind at ease by pointing out that many famous authors journals have been published and successful.  After fantasizing about being a smug writer, Doug realizes the dangers of somebody finding out he loves Patti.  And right on cue, Patti comes over and asks Doug whats wrong, he tells her his journal is missing, and she makes the worst reaction ever, "Aren't you afraid someone will read it and find out all your personal stuff?"  He finally takes initiative to post fliers around town.  After this is over, Doug returns to his room and feels the need to try to write about the day somewhere else, attempts on writing on "Multicolored Loose-leaf Paper" and toilet paper fail.  As things always happen at perfect times for Doug, Judy informs Doug someone called about finding his journal, but unfortunately the caller is none other than Roger Klotz.  Doug imagines Roger would use the journal to make a joke out of Doug and even daydreams about Roger with his journal on stage at a comedy club.  Roger tells stories such as, Doug thinking he grew hair under his arms but it was just grass from mowing the lawn, how Doug ripped the seat of his pants and had to staple them together, and finally telling everyone about his love for Patti, (this scene is absolutely perfect, because not only are these funny stories, but they made Roger deliver them perfectly, even giving him the same comedy stylings as Andrew Dice Clay.  I was gonna link to something actually by Dice Clay, but this is much funnier and gets the point across.)  Doug finds Roger at the Honker Burger, and finds out that he didn't read any of the journal, not because hes a good person, but because Doug's handwriting sucks (comes in handy), so Doug was reunited with his journal and life is back to normal.

That's what I call front page news!

This is a really ironic (is it ironic, the definition for irony sucks because apparently nothing in Alanis Morisette's song is ironic at all, just unforunate) because I am writing about what it would be like if somebody found my journal and read it, on my blog, which is basically a journal open to all the public should they be able to stumble upon it.  So obviously you should be able to figure out that I don't mind people reading what I think about myself, my experiences, and various other topics, but there are a few other things to discuss.  First is anonymity, a certain amount of people do know that it is indeed myself who writes this, but other than those who know already my name may or may not actually be Chase Robertson, and I could be from anywhere and know anyone, I've tried quite hard to be ambiguous enough that nobody would be able to ascertain who I am without already knowing, but at least have their ideas.  This aspect will probably become much more necessary in the cases where I am talking about my personal life and the various conquests I have partaken in, because those include more than just myself and I don't think the parties involved would appreciate being mentioned by name.  Another thing is when or not to conceal information, there have already been a few instances in which I have left out details that would not sabotage the story, but would rather skew the story slightly to make myself look like less of a freak/jerk/mess/weirdo, take your pick at which one(s).  So keep this stuff in mind if you continue reading my mindless ramblings, maybe you will be able to pick out the minute details that give me away, hide me, or be able to make the inferences about what I decide not to say.  Best of luck with that, cause now I'm gonna make sure not to give anything out

Self-portait (as far as you know)

Project Yancey: Episode 20: Doug Loses Dale

So Doug is riding a camel through the desert, I'm still a little unclear as to why, but it has something to do with a criminal refugee camp because he lost his best friend's baby brother (Dale from the title).  Per the norm, Doug wonders how he found himself in this mess so we get a flashback to Doug at the park seeing Skeeter at the sandbox with his little brother Dale.  Skeeter proceeds to tell Doug about how his Dad has a really cool tugboat captain's picnic, but they can't go because Dale's babysitter was sick.  Taking the cue and waiting until Doug asks what happens next, Skeeter finishes his fabulous guilt trip by asking Doug if he could be Dale's babysitter for the day, which Doug has no choice but to accept.  So Doug, who doesn't know beans about babysitting decides to ask around for help.  He first asks Judy who proceeds to do some weird thing which includes her acting like a child, and when Doug doesn't play along, she gives him a clown mask she claims will make them laugh every time.  Then he goes to the Honker Burger to ask his friends,  Bee Bee basically admits shes a spoiled brat and her babysitters treated her as such, Chaulky suggests snacks, a girl who I presume to be Connie even though they have her skin and hair color different from the Connie we get to know better later in the series suggests coloring books.  The last piece of advice comes from Roger (why are they sitting with him, I thought he was the school bully wasn't their friend?  The writers are pretty schizophrenic about how he gels with the other characters) who acknowledges Doug is gonna mess up and suggests he gets a good lawyer.  So armed with this advice the Valentines leave for the picnic and Doug gets to work.  Almost immediately, Dale starts looking out the window and screaming for his mommy, so Doug tries to distract him and put him in good spirits with Judy's clown mask.  Judy's advice would have worked perfectly if instead of "laugh" she said "scare the living daylights out of", which is exactly what happens.  We now cut to a fake newscast watching over Doug's work and are told again that the clown mask scares children.  But Doug finally gets on Dale's good side when he tries to give him ice cream, but instead they make a total mess.  The next stop is Dale's room for a shirt change, this is when we find out Dale has the best wardrobe ever as he turns down offers to dress up as a cowboy, spaceman, monkey and racecar driver before Doug lets Dale dress himself.  It turns out to be a mess, but is remedied rather easily.  To distract Dale for a longer time, Doug pulls out the crayons and coloring books, which work perfectly well until Doug has to answer the phone and returns to find Dale has drawn on the walls.  He doesn't know how to deal with it easily so he accidentally yells at Dale, and scares him off long enough to clean the walls.  The problem is, even after the walls are clean, Doug can't find Dale, this is when Doug remembers Roger's advice, and gives a daydream back to the camel in the desert which is just long enough for him to say "no comment."  Almost instantly after this the Valentines are returning, and Doug quickly thinks that he would hide in the downstairs laundry if he was Dale.  The Valentines come in to find Doug rummaging through their dirty laundry (which they don't find odd at all), and right when Doug is going to admit he lost Dale, Dale pops out from the laundry saying "Momma!"  Doug gets paid and asked to be the new babysitter, but he respectfully declines after that adventure.

This kid knows how to dress himself up!

I've babysat two sets of children in my lifetime, probably for a combined like 4 times total, but you know what, its an experience.  One set of children was just my little sister, who in her younger days was probably as irritating as any other combination of children I've ever met in my life.  It usually would start out with watching TV and then something stupid would happen and we would argue and she would be a little brat.  Luckily she has matured a little since then, but I also don't have to babysit her anymore.  The other set of children are a couple of my cousins.  The oldest is a girl who is my sister's age, and the middle child was another girl, and the youngest was a boy.  The two girls were usually good about keeping each other busy so I never really had to worry about them much, so my job was just to keep the little one occupied.  These times kind of reminded me of Big Daddy (which is one of my favorite movies, even though being my third favorite Adam Sandler movie from the 90s, something I've already discussed a little), as all we did was just hang around and play video games, play with his toys and watch old cartoons on demand.  The video games were typically simple, we usually played Lego Star Wars on the Gamecube (which is probably one of the most unexpectedly fun games I've ever played.)  He really likes sharks so we usually played with some of the sweet shark toys he had, which is always pretty cool because sharks are pretty damn cool.  But the most chill part was that this kid loved Tom and Jerry, which I could also watch for hours.  So after following that schedule, he would usually be asleep by the time his mom came home, so I would leave having successfully sat the babies.  So if Doug asked me what my babysitting advice would be, I would actually kinda follow with Judy's first try, and tell him that you need to act like a child and be a child to watch a child, and having the same taste in cartoons doesn't hurt either.

My Babysitting Methods: CARTOONS!!!!