Project Yancey Episode 24: Doug is Quailman

How Perfect to give me a cover shot!

Finally, we get a long overdue extended intro to Quailman, complete with description of the Planet Bob, title banner and credo.  Also a great entry in the beginning in this episode is the introduction of Quaildog, and the list of Quailman's abilities to bob, dart and stupefy.  So once this simply amazing extended intro is over, we are brought to Doug finishing his first Quailman comic and are sent directly into the Quailman story after the title screen.  Quailman is sitting on his comfy chair in the Thicket of Solitude watching television when a hair care commercial is broken up by breaking news that Dr. Klotzenstein (not to be mistaken with his alter-egos Klotzilla, Baron von Klotz, and the Cyklotz) is on the lose and is in Bluffington under the disguise of Roger Klotz (Doug is really subtle when he uses people he knows as artistic influence.)  To this news Quailman decides to do absolutely nothing other than stay on the alert.  So while Quailman is on the alert, we are brought to what is usually Doug's science class with Professor Ogie.  (Key part) Roger starts the class out by making a terrible pun about his "Aunt Phibian" (get it amphibian?) as he throws his frog at Patti.  But once the shock of how terrible that pun was, Prof. Ogie walks into the class and tells the students there will be a pop quiz, which everyone shudders at other than Roger.  Roger shows why he was excited as when the teacher asks the questions to people in the class he steals their thoughts and answers the questions for them.  These questions range from how many bones are in the body to which planet has the longest rotation around the sun (Pluto isn't a planet anymore Roger!) to Newton's third law of motion.  This sequence leaves me in complete shock that someone could create a device that wipes people's minds empty, but doesn't even know Newton's laws.  Amazed by Roger's progress, Prof. Ogie decides to go get Mr. Bone and leaves Roger in charge.  Roger in turn shows the class his "Brain Drain" and drains everyone in the classes brains.  This leaves the entire class acting like they are on Valium (which is apparently what it's like to have no brain) but Patti still manages to make the quail call, and summons Quailman and Quaildog to the scene.  Quailman promptly gets to class and realizes whats going on quickly since Dr. Klotzenstein has no problem explaining his entire plot to Quailman immediately.  Now the showdown begins as Dr. Klotzenstein tries to drain Quailman's brain, but he is able to evade the beam quick enough to hide.  While hiding, he finds Roger's Aunt Phibian under a desk and tricks Dr. Klotzenstein into draining the brain of the frog.  This causes him to become Toad from the X-men, and a simple whistle returns the brains of all the students.  It is just then that Prof. Ogie and Mr. Bone come into the class and see that Quailman fixed the situation and Quailman flies away through a closed window, thus breaking it.  The episode concludes with Quailman and Quaildog getting permanent hall passes from Mr. Bone and zooms out to Doug and Porkchop celebrating the end of their first comic.

See!?  It's the exact same thing!

Well isn't this hard, I am not a superhero.  I have no superhero alter-ego.  I never wrote a comic.  I am not as imaginative as Doug is.  And lastly, I have never done anything that could be construed as heroic.  So this all leaves me sitting here trying to make some kind of stretch as to what I could possibly write about that would connect to this episode and would not indirectly ruin my stories for any later episodes.  (Thinking....) I got it!  I'll discuss superheroes to the best of my ability.  The best of my ability to discuss superheroes is simply to talk about Spiderman since he is by far my favorite superhero and probably the only one that I would be able to make an attempt at rambling about.  One of my favorite food for thought games to play when I am bored and talking to random people is to ask them if they could remake any movie ever with themselves as the main character, which movie and character would they pick.  Mine has always been Peter Parker/Spiderman from the first Spiderman movie in the Sam Raimi/Tobey McGuire series.  I have always been able to connect with the character of Peter Parker as I am a semi-nerdy kid who has a talent for science (mathematics in my case) and I like to think that if I got superpowers from a radioactive spider that I would use them for good.  My problem with really telling people about this is that I have recently found that people like to tell me that I kind of look like Tobey McGuire, which I am not completely sure if it is a good thing (he's not a bad looking guy by any means but I mean you never hear girls go "OMG I <3 Tobey McGuire! He is sooooo HAWT!").  Those first two movies are among my favorites, and my gripes about the third movie are probably what most other people have with it (what the hell is the deal with Peter Parker trying to be an emo ladies man? And why would anybody be dumb enough to cast Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom.)  Okay, so I think I've rambled enough but I want to end on this note.  If you are reading this Hollywood Execs, send me an email, I want to play Eddie Brock and Venom in the new Spiderman Reboot you are doing.  I could totally be sold as the photography rival of the kid from Percy Jackson and the Olympians, and I could easily sell the craziness of Venom, just trust me.  Readers, you can help too get the "Chase Robertson as Eddie Brock" campaign going, together we can do it!

Really? That kid? Please make me Eddie Brock so I can kick his ass a little!

P.S. Thank you Denmark for your recent support!  Keep tuning in and send Prince Hamlet my regards!