Project Yancey: Episode 12: Doug To the Rescue

  Finally, we get introduced to a hero with patience and intelligence, and underpants over his pants, yes I'm talking about the visitor from the planet Bob, Quailman!  The episode starts with quite an exciting and intense introduction to this magnificent specimen, part quail part human, all hero.  The only thing Quailman is not initially given is an enemy or a damsel in distress, luckily both come together immediately when Mrs. Wingo decides to give the students time in class to work on their book report.  Roger is legitimately begging Patti for the entire class to do it for him and they start to disrupt the class, which is clearly getting on Patti's nerves.  After a little bit of this Klotzilla is born!  Klotzilla is like Godzilla in both name and appearance (save for a leather jacket), but more like King Kong in action as he likes to kidnap women and carry them to the top of monuments (I will never know what purpose that serves.)  Oh and the damsel is Patti if you couldn't pick up on that yourself.  The daydream continues as Quailman comes to the rescue and even though not having the physical prowess to beat Klotzilla, he uses his quail-eye to leave Klotzilla helpless and stupefied.  Once this happens a gracious Patti Mayonnaise comes to thank Quailman with a high-5 (see underrated things list #2) and compliments his belt.  It's once this story ends that Patti and Roger hit critical mass and Mrs. Wingo sends them to detention hall, and Doug and Skeeter are also sent off after Doug basically turns to tell Skeeter that was bush league.  In detention hall, Roger continues to bug Patti, and Doug decides to be Quailman himself, but while he was telling Roger to back off, he turned into Doug's fists and it appeared as if Doug hit him.  This is when the rest of the hooligans in detention decide its time for a showdown.  Doug continues this weirdness of trying to be Quailman, and actually manages to psych Roger out by just being weird and waiting for Mr. Bone to come and break it up (Skeeter sums the moment up best though by saying "Either Doug's really smart, or he just blew a serious gasket.")  It is then that Doug is basically declared the winner and Patti and Skeeter are amazed, and the episode more or less ends with the most triumphant still-frame from the entire series shown below.

Triumph...

Oh yes, we're jumping in the Wayback Machine for this one!

I don't have any secret superhero alter egos (even though I have been told I look like Tobey Maguire, and wish I could be Spider-Man), nor am I completely insane like Doug was at the end of this episode.  But I have found myself in a fight I didn't want that was partially because of a girl.  For this one we need Mr. Peabody to take us to the Wayback Machine (get it, its a Rocky and Bullwinkle joke!) because this story goes back to my freshman year of high school (which I believe is the earliest story to date).  We are gonna dredge up some memories of my first girlfriend (gasp!)  This relationship lasted an amazing 10 days, but its repercussions went about a week longer than that.  While at one of the high school football games with her, I believe my hat got stolen and testosterone (or some adolescent hormone) made me decide to track down who it was.  A whole lot of probably fake stories led me to her ex-boyfriend (leading me to think it was a potential set up).  I was suspicious he had my hat in his waistline and lifted his shirt to check, probably embarrassed by his body he took to swinging at me immediately.  This wasn't a fight, but I sure realized he didn't like me, and I was also kinda bragged about being with that girl at the moment too (as well as my stickly figure.)  A few days later I believe she broke up with me (the "it's not you it's me" routine, I would be willing to bet it wasn't her), but these problems didn't go away.  I heard this kid wanted to fight me and naturally the next football game was the set time and location, I didn't have any particular issue with him.  So the night came and while walking a little with some of my friends, the altercation took place.  I'm happy to say that I got him to the ground pretty quickly, but in the act of amazing badassery told him he wasn't worth it and started walking off.  He decided I was worth it so got up immediately and ran after me.  I knew he was gonna attack high so I just ducked below it and kinda flipped him over my back, and continued walking.  The last of this problem was when I walked off and some kid stopped him from coming after me again saying something along the lines of "seriously dude give it up he would beat your ass."  It was the defining moment of my masculinity, and the birth of my pacifism, so if you do want to fight me, I may be able to get the beat on you (trust me I had 2 older brothers so I know how to defend myself if need be) but you aren't worth it.

This, is not me.