Project Yancey: Doug and Patti Sittin' in a Tree

Breaking News!  I'm breaking my rules, my life does not seem exciting enough to warrant me to be able to use every Doug episode (and some episodes are kind of boring), so instead of going in line I will just find episodes I feel like doing, and will do them in this order.  So I'm going to start on a high note, with the episode where Doug and Patti may have gone on a date.  Enjoy.

You know it!

The episode starts with Doug eating his lunch alone, and Patti sitting next to him and asking him if he would like to go see a movie with her this Friday.  As it takes a while to get the point across to Doug that the movie will just be with the two of them, everybody around them seems to notice and watch the pivotal moment at hand.  And all these people call attention to Doug that it just may be a date no later than Patti takes her leave, and since we know Doug quite well, he doesn't like the attention.  Curious about the fact Patti never specifically said it was a date (even though it obviously was) Doug turns to his good buddies Chaulky and Skeeter for what signs to look for to see if it is a date.  The criteria they come by are the following, does she dress up to meet him, does she let him buy her ticket, and if all else fails, does she let him hold her hand (cue the Beatles)?  After learning how to tell if it is a date, Doug's next issue is what is he to do on this date?  Since Doug has an awesome taste in movies, all of the dates in the movies he owns either end in kung fu, or are completely unrealistic.  This is when Doug decides he was going to get his ideas from asking about and then stalking Judy on her date that night.  By doing this Doug learns a couple things every man should know, you should speak with a goofy accent, use big words, and and lastly you need to steal your kisses (optional).  Now is the time to put this new knowledge to work, and by that the obvious conclusion is that he invited Skeeter over to help him simulate the date using a dating book and Porkchop as Patti.  He shouldn't have chosen to do this at his house though, because its not long before his entire family finds out about it and makes a huge deal about it.  Eventually, Doug goes on his (potential) date, and his walk is met with a lot of his acquaintances lining the streets with comments to him.  No more than 10 seconds after seeing Patti, he already starts to get conflicting signals about the date, first he sees Patti dressed up, good sign, but then she ignores the fact he bought two tickets and buys her own.  So it all comes down to the hand holding.  Unfortunately only paying half-attention to the masterpiece on screen in which a crocodile is in love with a rich lady, Doug fails to find a chance to try to hold Patti's hand.  So now the night is nearly over and Doug starts walking Patti home and they discuss the movie.  During this Doug accidentally(?) grabs her hand and they both clearly like it but continue to walk back to her house in awkward silence.  Doug decides to find out once and for all, and asks Patti if it was a "whatever" and she really doesn't know if it was a "you know", but it clearly was.  And then they start slowly moving towards each other and it looks like they are gonna kiss!  But then Patti goes inside and keeps Doug wondering, but with a good feeling that it was a date.  A little down the road Doug gets confronted by all the boys from his school, it seems they are going to make fun of him, but they instead ask for a few pointers.  They want girls, and Doug's got girls, kids money.

Word spreads fast I see!

First allow me to link to this video if you did not grasp how awkward Doug's walk back to Patti's house was.  If this episode has a moral, and that I'm getting it right, it must be that the dating game sucks and is vague and you just need to suck it up and get used to it.  Right?  I've never been a fan of the whole dating scene in high school and college, I don't think I've ever got the hang of it completely, and likely never will.  I've tried to do everything under the sun, I've been the nice guy, I've been the crazy guy, I've been the shy guy, I've been the straight forward guy, I've been the former-friend-turned-romantic-interest, I've been Mr. Right Now, but I've never been anything of any note.  This may be that I haven't particularly played any of these roles very well, because I haven't been dealing with the right girls, or maybe it is just because I am not a lucky person.  But you know what, to hell with it.  One day my bad luck will run out and by some miracle, I will find some girl who is just as strange and messed up as I am, or maybe she won't be anything like that and she will be incredibly well adjusted (unlike me) and it will somehow work out, or maybe she will just be a regular person like the rest of us and everything will be moderately exciting but go well.  See, this is where I probably go wrong, I don't know or care what I want, I just want it.  I also want to waste your time by having all you readers out there read this.  So I am going to go watch some British teen dramas or something ridiculous of that sort to see if I can have an epiphany (I wont), meanwhile you guys can realize you would have saved a lot of time if I just linked to this video at the beginning.  End unnecessary rant, cue REH!

Project Yancey: Episode 30: Doug's Secret Admirer

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to hear the story of a truly remarkable moment in the life of Doug Funnie, this is the story of Doug's first kiss.  It begins one morning at school when Doug finds a mysterious pink note in his locker.  If the note is to believed two things are true, first that Doug is cute (debatable) and secondly, that Doug has a secret admirer.  Due to the excitement Doug could not pay attention to whatever nonsense Mrs. Wingo was spewing that day (you can hear it in the background and it legitimately is verbal diarrhea), and he instead opted to check out every girl in the class and weigh whether or not she was capable of writing him the note.  The first people he considers are these two formerly unknown chicks who apparently would be working in tandem, or at least that's how Doug imagined it.  But that fantasy was disrupted when they noticed him staring at them and they gave him the good ol' "why don't you take a picture, It'll last longer" routine (a routine which has been tragically cut out of the American lexicon since the 90s).  Next on Doug's list of usual suspects is Patti Mayonnaise, but he figures theres no way he could be so lucky, he figured it would be more likely Roger would put on a wig and skirt and put the notes in his locker to humiliate him.  But eventually class ends and Doug finds a new note in his locker, this time arranging a meeting at the Honker Burger, and she will be the one in the Bluffington School sweatshirt.  We get a quick meaningless scene where Doug is preparing for his blind date and can't think of what to say (for the record, no more than a week ago I made an icebreaker on the bus for the hall of fame, stay tuned) and in the end he talks to Judy who advises him well.  Later that night Doug arrives at the Honker Burger and the first thing he sees is Patti out front wearing her Bluffington School sweatshirt!  Its only after Doug makes a moderately awkward fool of himself that he notices everybody else at the Honker Burger is wearing the same sweater, and he proceeds to wait alone the whole night for his secret admirer.  The next morning Doug explains the situation to Skeeter, and that is when they catch Bee Bee Bluff putting a new note in Doug's locker, and shortly after Doug realizes that he doesn't like Bee Bee at all, so the two of them go into sabotage mode.  After pushing aside the idea of slugging her, they decide instead to make Doug act like Roger, but even though they set up an elaborate scene with terrible acting at the basketball game, Bee Bee keeps on leaving notes.  This latest note is the be-all end-all of notes, in which she sets up a meeting at the big parade that night.  Doug decides the only way combat this is to put "Plan C" into action, where Doug runs away from Bee Bee as soon as she is spotted.  Things aren't that easy in practice as Doug sees her at the parade and while hiding remembers how much it sucks to be stood up (like he was the night before) so he approaches her and tries to let her down easy.  After a short and confusing conversation, both of them find out the notes were in the wrong locker, to which Bee Bee was so excited she jumped on and kissed Doug (theres the first kiss!)  It turns out that the notes were for Skeeter (which was a well established semi-relationship by that point anyways), and the two of them marched in the parade together and Doug marched alongside Patti!  Another day, another crisis averted.

How did they get a picture of my room!?!?

First I guess I have to acknowledge the fact I'm writing this two days after Valentine's Day, so I would like to hope all you readers out there had a good one!  Now on to my own life, its pretty obvious to point out I've never had a secret admirer before (I've already said in a previous article that I look like Tobey Maguire, and theres no way anybody is that attracted by Tobey.)  But this does remind me of the days leading up to getting my first girlfriend (which seems to be a recurring topic despite being incredibly underwhelming and short).  The talks were initiated when one day I received an email from her which more or less amounted to "hey, you are there, you aren't incredibly unbearable, lets date" which was enough for me.  There was no cool secrecy to it, or any interesting meetings.  To tell the truth, the lead in was quite boring and not very notable, and neither was the result, but it was worth it since I was able to relate it to this Doug episode.  But now for something interesting!  As mentioned earlier, I made an "icebreaker for the hall of fame" which I shall now tell you.  It was on the bus, and I made eye contact with this one girl twice, she was good looking so I said the first thing that came to mind (here it comes!!!), which was "the awkward silence sure beats walking in this weather."  This prompted some conversation, but nothing else really panned out of it, but if you can say anything, it is that that is a pretty good icebreaker.  Confidence men, that is the key.

The french mime version of my bus encounter.

Project Yancey: Episode 29: Doug Vs. The Klotzoid Zombies

School just got out for the day, and our Doug Funnie and his pal Skeeter decide to get a shake, but before they leave for it Skeeter is summoned by Roger, and tells Doug that he can't go get shakes because he already had plans to go to Roger's house.  Doug is determined to do something that afternoon, so he next turns to BeeBee and Chaulky who are walking by and asks if they would like to listen to his new Beets tape.  Chaulky definitely seems like he wanted to, but BeeBee covers his mouth before he can say yes, and politely declines Doug's invitation.  They walk off toward Roger and Skeeter, and Doug also sees Patti join up with them, leaving Doug by himself.  A confused and disparaged Doug then turns to Porkchop and Quailman to help him kill some time, so lets delve once again into the world of Quailman.  In this world we find ourselves discovering how talented Quailman is at mini-golf, and shortly afterwards discover Mr. Dink is acting stranger than usual.  Well this can't be anything too strange given that it is Mr. Dink afterwards, yet things take another turn for the odd when Quailman and Quaildog ask for beet shakes at the concession stand only to be told they only sell Zombie Chips.  Being called a loser by three of his good friends, Quailman returns to his Thicket of Solitude to lick his wounds and analyze why his friends have been treating him so badly.  Well, luckily enough, once he finishes that thought he sees a commercial on television with Dr. Klotzenstein advertising the very Zombie Chips all of his friends have been snacking on lately.  What I found the most odd was that Quailman wasn't able to figure that out before.  But since he finally did put two and two together, Quailman flies as quick as he can to the set of Dr. Klotzensteins show "Wheel of Snack Food" to confront him.  Using the power of television, Dr. Klotzenstein manages to get Quailman into being a contestant on "Wheel of Snack Food" where he is spun around on a giant wheel while the entire crowd screams that he is a loser.  Having gotten Quailman away, Dr. Klotzenstein continues his plan to turn everybody into his zombies, a plan that will fail as soon as Quaildog uses his "quail tail" to reach for the lever to throw on the brakes and save our heroes.  As quick as you can feed everybody in a moderately large television set, Quailman gives everybody beets and they turn back into their normal selves.  After writing this story, Doug sees the parallel to his own life and decides to go to Roger's house to confront him about why he stole his friends.  Expecting a confrontation, Doug shows up at Roger's trailer and oddly gets invited inside.  That is when it is revealed that Roger has been planning and hosting a surprise 1 year anniversary party for Doug in Bluffington with all his friends!  And this touching moment is where this episode ends.

He wants the Greasy Puffs!

My friends apparently don't like me enough, because I have never had a surprise party before in my life.  I have only been invited to one surprise party in my life, and that was because it was for my parent's 25th anniversary.  But I will say that was quite an experience.  Not expecting much out of that night, I decided to try to get my drinking quota out of the way the night before (a night which very well may end up getting it's own story), but this night turned out to be quite interesting as well.  First of all, my parents didn't even know I was in the state, let alone my grandma's basement.  So being a double whammy on my parent's surprise party was pretty cool in the first place, but later on in the party I was playing bartender.  I probably broke a couple of personal records on that night, and probably had a conversation or two that were better off not being said, but it was tons of fun.  It was quite a spectacle to see all my parent's friends from throughout the years getting drunk and being merry, all while I myself was getting drunk and merry.  Sure being driven about 3 hours while hung over and kind of wanting to throw up the next morning wasn't the best experience I've ever had, I would say that it was very well worth it, and surprise parties are good in my book.

Now get out of my face you filthy animal!

Project Yancey: Episode 28: Doug's Got No Gift

Being the classy guy Doug is, he knows that Patti has a birthday coming up and he saved up his money for a few weeks to buy her gift.  He found himself at the mall and still didn't know what he was going to get her, that is until he chanced by the sports store and saw the Official Multi-Ultra-Maxi-Pro Tournament Beetball!  And he had enough money for it!  But this is when Doug shows that he is a regular guy after all, Skeeter, the true buddy that he is, spots Doug from the arcade and he just had to make sure Doug tried this new game Bag the Neematoad.  Doug shows himself to be quite skilled at this game (well he does have real life experience), add in a few words by Skeeter and Doug was instantly hooked on playing the game until he was able to get his name on the high score list.  I would like to thank the writers for this reference coming up because no child would ever be able to pick up on it, but Doug goes into a daydream where he is getting out of a limo to go into a concert hall to play Bag the Neematoad, which would seem really weird until you notice the background music is slightly reminiscent of Pinball Wizard by The Who, and it turns out the daydream is a direct homage/spoof of the Pinball Wizard scene from The Who's rock opera Tommy.  With a vision like that and a crowd cheering him on, it is no surprise that next thing he knows Doug has no money to pay for Patti's gift anymore (but he did get DF at number 49 on the high score list.)  Dejected by his idiocy, Doug sits on the side of the street like a goon, and the Dink's hear his plight and invite him to Mr. Dink's workshop to build a gift for Patti.  Although Doug's original idea to build a glider seems to hit a snag when he doesn't have neither the material nor the expertise to build it, he ends up deciding that he would be able to find a suitable gift in making a towel rack.  After the long night of work, Doug shows Skeeter his towel rack, and I don't know which got him more confused, trying to figure out what it was when he saw it, or why Doug would give Patti a towel rack.  It's fine for skeeter because it seems everyone else at the party shared the sentiment, with Roger even referring to it directly as a "monstrosity".  Per the norm life decides to throw some salt on Doug's wounds before his moment of judgement comes, as Patti opens everyone else's gifts to find she had received some cool beetball (for the record Chaulky got her the Official Multi-Ultra-Maxi-Pro Tournament Beetball so one of the two would have looked stupid anyways getting her the same gift).  After a few beetballs have been opened and Doug decides he would rather look like the ass who didn't give a present than the kid who gave a bad present, Patti opens the present and to everyone's surprise thinks it is great as she doesn't see it as a towel rack, but as a beetball caddy!  Oddly, Roger was the only one who did see it as the towel rack it was.  As the party is starting to clear out Patti takes Doug aside for a heartfelt moment as she tells him that his gift was her favorite, by some strange irony she asks him to initial it, I bet that was better than 49th on the Bag the Neematoad high scores.  So as Borat would say "Great Success!"

Hes a Pinball Wizard Bag the Neematoad Master

I sure have quite an experience with playing too much video games, but I have never let it get that out of hand.  When you are as dedicated to something as Doug is to making Patti his girl, you do not let anything get in your way, and if I was in Doug's position I sure as hell wouldn't have spent all my money on a game (I have too many as it is.)  But I will admit that Doug buying Patti a gift for her birthday like that would have been really ambitious, and perhaps making the gift was even more ambitious, so I probably wouldn't have done what he did for even more reasons than the fact that I probably am selfish.  But to get away from any weaknesses in my persona, I would like to point out more good parts of myself for those readers that are so inclined to know.  I guess what I'm trying to say was that Doug came dangerously close to breaking one of the major laws of being a gentleman, but did manage to save himself by doing something much more gentlemanly.  I sure as hell will use this episode as an example to myself if I shall ever find myself in the position where I do not have enough money to be a proper gentleman for the lovely lady that is accompanying me at that time.  But I find that highly unlikely, as even in the life of a broke college student spending a large majority of the year with no income, I have never found myself in a time where I would not be able to pay on a date or anything of that sort.  There have been times where I know I wouldn't have made a frivolous purchase for myself, but I sure as hell had enough money to pay for two people's dinners.  I guess to put a cap on this incoherent rant of mine I will make a declaration of my own.  They say a gentleman pays on the first date, I say only a total scrub doesn't pay on any date (there's always the golden arches, just kidding.)    

The Oriental version of a date with me... Except not really

Extra thought, I'm overdue in using this video so I'm gonna do it now.  If you didn't understand any part of my rambling earlier, please do not hesitate to let out a nice big "REH!"  Allow Super Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time to demonstrate.

2011!!!

Alright, the new year is upon us and what does it mean?  For me, it means a whole lot more of the same thing as always, living my life and doing math.  But for all of you, I suppose this new year means you can read about some of the things I have done over the last year, and possibly some of my ideas for how to improve my life moving forward.  So my first thought was to write a sentence that will sum up each month of the year, so you can see how much things fluctuated in 2010.
January - Getting built up, just to be torn down in fast forward.
February - Just angry at nothing in particular.
March - Shit happening in places out of the ordinary, but the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer.
April - Things are starting to look better and I was reminded I am not a number, I am a free man!!!!

May - You know what, things were swell.
June - Back home, back to normal, but let me hear the Vuvuzelas sing!

Perfect!

July - I think I may have worked too much during July because I can't remember a single thing.
August - Feeling oddly alright with things going on around me, returned to school feeling excited.
September - Back to the grind, but feeling a lot more grown up.
October - BASEBALL!  Playoffs consumed my life.
November - Tons of work to do, but none of it included shaving.
December - Just a whole bunch of weirdness, trying to make any sense of it.

So what are my hopes for this coming year?  Firstly that I make it out alive.  After that I don't have many specific new ambitions, I want to be able to have a good note for each of the months when I write this piece again, or at the very least have more than the 5 or 6 good sentences above.  After that I'll just see what life throws my way and cross each of those bridges as I come to them.  To anybody who reads this and has read any other of my pieces as well, thank you.  I have already had more than 500 views which is much more than I would have expected.  And I encourage you to keep reading and have a great new year.  Cheers.

Project Yancey: Episode 27: Doug's Secret Song

I haven't written one of these in more than a month, and I should be ashamed of myself!  But even after our long hiatus I was able to come back into Doug's Life and not only find him with his trusty old banjo playing his secret song about Patti.  The song's secrecy takes a major hit by Skeeter coming out of nowhere and telling Doug how much he loved the song (joking?).  Skeeter is a good friend so he agrees not to tell anybody about Doug's song, and then proceeds to start singing it as they walk down the street to some undetermined location.  As they pass Mr. Dink's house they hear loud sounds and think he is in trouble, but it turns out that he was just playing a video of him doing some kind of karaoke, which sounded like the painful moaning of some serious injury.  His video was recorded at some place at the mall, which contrary to typical Mr. Dink fashion, it was very inexpensive, so Doug and Skeeter decide to give the place a visit so they can have something to do.  Instead of watching the two of them walk to the mall, we are instead treated to a wonderful 90's rap video about Doug wanting all his sexy ladies to give him a call sometime (it is awesome.)  When they get to the mall the video making place is packed with familiar faces, before going in to record his video, Doug sees Mr. Bone, and I'll ruin the surprise but he also sees Patti when he gets out.  But before we get too ahead of ourselves, we need to see what Doug does for his video.  In his little booth we find Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, his banjo and some awesome white leather jacket that I suppose he borrowed from the store.  A nervous Doug continues to sing his secret song on video, while hiccuping, which we should assume will turn out to be completely horrible on tape.  Now the meeting with Patti happens, where she would easily win the award for least aware person on earth, as she doesn't notice Doug or Skeeter standing directly in front of her talking loudly until about 2 seconds after Skeeter says "Hi Patti" right to her.  As they get their videos, Patti informs Doug and Skeeter that she is going to an "up all night" party at Bebe's house.  This doesn't become anything of interest at all until Doug and Skeeter try to watch Doug's video and find they received Patti's video, which has oddly good editing and multiple angles, neither of which seemed possible in Doug's booth, we are left to assume he got the shaft.  Doug amazingly remembered this party, and they high tail it there to try and prevent the "up all night" party from turning into an "up all night and laugh at Doug" party.  Trying to be cordial and go to the front door to ask to switch the tapes, Bebe's stuck up butler (stuck up butler!?!) sends them off saying no boys are allowed.  Their next idea almost works, but when they send Porkchop in he gets detected, but instead of getting tortured like Doug thinks will happen, he starts dancing and playing around with them.  It is right when Doug and Skeeter climb the trellis in front of Bebe's window (terrible foresight on her father's part) that they see Porkchop dancing, and Patti decides it is time to put on her video.  But moments before Doug is able to decide that his life is, in fact, over, he sees that Patti was playing Mr. Bone's video, so she doesn't have his video at all.  And after Doug once again avoids a terrible inconvenience to his life, we are treated to the embarrassment of Mr. Bone playing Doug's video to his yodeling club, hilarity ensues.

Yes Doug, I am as confused as you are.

So I am not ashamed that I have many times written songs about the girls that I have liked in my day.  Many (if not all) of these songs have gone by the wayside, and a vast majority of them have been in notebooks that have since been thrown out.  I have older brothers, so having self written songs that you have spilled your heart into is never a good idea.  The ones that remain were the ones I have written since I went to college and had my own computer that is passworded and I know how to hide my files and folders correctly.  So for all those girls that go to school for me, you may be reading one of my songs specially written about you (but I highly doubt it, because of the ones I found to have moderate quality it has been quite some time since speaking with either of them.)  If you haven't picked up on the content of the last sentence, I will be displaying two of my self-written songs that I have found to be of at least mediocre quality.  For those who actually read my articles, rather than look at all the pretty pictures, this is a fantastic time to give me some feedback and feel free to comment any thoughts you have on my songs, I bet some of you know what I was feeling when I wrote these.  This first one, which I called "Repetition" is the more recent of the two, it dates to Summer 2009, while the second dates back to the preceding fall.


Repetition

The winds of change whispering in my ear,
but I can't understand I just cant hear,
as the world proceeds to pass me by,
you come on back for another try,
and I'm sucked in a hole and I just cant leave,
there are no more tricks hidden up my sleeve,
and as I try to talk my way out,
I begin to see what the voice was about.


and we cant keep on living this way,
cause some things gotta change and some things gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

Day 2, I'm walkin' down the street,
melting down in the summertime heat,
I catch a scent that's hard to place,
and everywhere I look I see your face,
my minds going wild what should I do?
'Cause I'll go crazy if its really you,
and over and over by no mishap,
I fall back down to the same ol' trap.

'Cause history repeats day by day,
and we cant keep on living this way,
cause somethings gotta change and somethings gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

I just wanna quit and run away,
do anything to make it okay,
but there's no escape your always there,
to catch my foot in your snare,
once again you got me caught,
in the same old mess that i brought,
and as the dilemma continues to grow,
I'm left wondering if you even know.

Clearing Haze

Smoke clears out from a burning room,
inside still floats the smell of her perfume.
The sight inside I can't behold,
as all of the world begins to unfold,
the truth lies asleep on the floor,
an unmistakable sight once through the door.

And seen clear as light through the haze,
her ashamed and apologetic gaze.
loneliness extends for miles down the hall,
as the hearts of the bystanders fall,
into the infinite valley of being self-aware,
as the whole world freezes right there.

No action, no words, no sound,
the images destroy the ties that bound,
the face that once gave so much life,
stabs the depths unfathomed by any knife,
deeper and deeper with every passing tick,
heartstrings bending make me sick.

She gets up and the moment has passed,
simultaneous with the sound of life collapsed,
shock, awe, sickness, depression, pain,
losing all in the world there was to gain,
appeasing lies once again flood the air,
and for the first time there's nobody to care.

Top 10 List! Favorite Youtube Videos!

I love top ten lists.  I love Youtube, it is perhaps one of the best things the Internet has caused to happen, and one would be hard pressed to name many more entertaining things out there.  So I would like to salute Youtube and it's quality programming by listing my top ten favorite Youtube videos out there.  This list will by no means be a definitive list, as I'm sure I will both forget videos and I will find more videos to take the lower ones' spots, but this is what I can come up with now.  The rules for this list are gonna be that I will only allow one video from any series of videos, no professionally done work (meaning no movie clips or official music videos), and no clips that got famous before the advent of Youtube but ended up there anyways.  So with that done, here it is.

10. Bed Intruder Song
This is why I stipulated that there be no "official" music videos on my list, because this is technically a music video, but was released specifically for Youtube audiences so I will allow it.  Let me note that this probably should be higher on the list, but I decided to put it on at number 10 because I care about you!  Yes, I care about you, the readers, and I put this as early as I possibly could to let you have some great reading music.  I hope you enjoy this video and song, and even if you don't I guarantee within the hour you will be subconsciously singing it to yourself.  My advice, applicable to regular music too is to not try to fight the infectious catchiness but to embrace and enjoy it.  I would also be willing to recommend any other video my Auto-Tune the News, especially the Double Rainbow song (the original Double Rainbow video barely failed to make this list... Damn I spoiled it).

9. Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot
If you watch this video and don't find it all that entertaining, you are not alone.  I was so completely baffled by this video and how it was able to ascertain so many views when I first discovered it.  But luckily this is why I was able to find and linked to a version of the video that plays the video on loop 5 times in a row, because the more you see this video the more entertaining it becomes.  I really wish I was in that news studio when it happened so I could know exactly what happened here.  Was Arthur completely stoned off his mind that he had to register her comment before laughing?  Did he not find the joke all that funny, but the teleprompter told him to laugh so he sarcastically did the goofiest laugh he was capable of?  Was there something inherently funny or interesting about the jacket itself?  Why does Arthur's jacket say "TV" on it?  Is this a local report or is this national Haiti broadcasting?  And finally, where is Arthur now and is he okay after the earthquakes?

8. MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!
Sure the description and the title of this video suggest that this video is, in actuality, an early teaser for a new Mortal Kombat (which is amongst my favorite video game series by the way) movie.  But I am not going to give this the benefit of the doubt and I will declare it, for now, just an extremely well produced and well acted Youtube video (ignoring the fact the guy who plays Jax was in The Dark Knight).  This is a little late, but I figure most would assume from the name, but this video is really violent and graphic, do not watch if you don't enjoy violence.  Personally, I am a fan of the Mortal Kombat brand so if this is indeed a trailer for an upcoming big screen film, I will be there the first day, but the fact this video kicks total ass isn't bad either.  Having said that I will have total biases against total characters and want to see two things should this be made into a complete movie.  First, they need to accept the fact the Moral Kombat creators have always seemed to favor Sub-Zero to Scorpion, so Sub-Zero needs to get the last laugh in that fight.  And secondly, they introduced Baraka into the mix, so I will be completely ripshit if there is not a single Kung Lao versus Baraka fight, as that is one of the most secretly cool rivalries in the Mythologies.

If this battle isn't included, I will be disappointed

7. I'm the Juggernaut Bitch

If you are a Youtube video, and you eventually get referenced in a big budget movie (lets ignore the fact X-men 3 was complete garbage) you are probably one of the best videos ever.  The best part of this video is that it likely is what the X-men cartoons would have been if it was the intention to make the most ghetto and offensive superhero cartoon ever.  The entire video is based upon them all being pimps, hoes, rapists and the Juggernaut, who is somehow a collection of all of the above.  If you know not to take a single second of this video seriously, it is one of the funniest and fun to quote youtube videos made.  It is hard to see this video and then do anything impressive or badass and not want to claim "I'm the Juggernaut bitch!"  Also to not be forgotten are also "I like your raincoat," anything talking about your "pimp cane" or one of my personal favorite quotes is Wolverine's only line "Hey what up?  How 'bout I take this shit off, y'know

6. Leprechaun in Alabama

I enjoy crazy news clips on Youtube, this video is a gleaming example, and will be used to represent crazy news clips in general, which should not be allowed on this list because they were not originally made to be on Youtube.  This is my favorite news clip on the site for a few reasons, first the fact that the premise of the video is completely ridiculous.  Second, the people they interview and the things they say are completely ridiculous.  Third, "Who else see the Leprechaun say YEAH!?", " Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" *extremely satisfied smile*.  Fourth, the "amateur sketch", I mean seriously?  Fifth, the guy who had the right idea and wanted to uproot the tree cause "I wanna know where the gold at!"  And lastly, I love this video because of the reaction you see from the newscasters after the clip is over, which is more or less "Did we really have nothing better to be showing today?  A story about a Leprechaun?  A FUCKING LEPRECHAUN?"  This will forever go into the annals of time to be amongst the worst cases ever seen of investigative journalism.

5. Demarcus and Chang

Even though it is a few seconds longer than the previously mentioned "Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot" this video has probably the highest comedy density of anything on Youtube.  Running a short 30 seconds long, this video first spoofs cheesy introductions for daytime talk shows by having probably the best and most stereotypical music for a daytime talk show.  BE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE THIS COMMENT.  But it also proves something to you that you have likely wondered for a long time but never bothered to ask anybody for a truthful answer, nor have probably shown the tendencies to make someone realize it, but you are indeed a racist asshole.  But it doesn't show you this to insult you, but rather to make you notice that you are likely not alone, and as long as it isn't violent, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  They exploit the fact that we do all stereotype, and obviously we see an Asian guy and a black guy, and we see the stereotypical names on the screen, what else are we to assume.  I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even occur to most people ahead of time that the names could be assigned in the manner the video shows them to be.  So much respect to Demarcus and Chang (if those are your real names!) to come up with such a clever video and to release for all of us to enjoy.

4. How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps
This is one of the few videos on Youtube that is infinitely accessible.  You will be able to relate to this video if you have ever been in a long term relationship, known someone in a long term relationship, have once heard about someone in a long term relationship, or have just in one way or another thought about the concept of a long term relationship.  Everybody knows that in any long term relationship the breakup is never the end, and there is still much to go before you eventually fade out of each other's lives (don't argue me on this one, it will happen without fail.)  For example, someone once told me that 94% of relationships that start in the summer before you start college go as following.  You date over the summer and things go well, you separate at college and things don't go as well, you break up during Columbus Day weekend, then hook back up during Thanksgiving break, and eventually break up just after New Years, and then let it go.  This video is basically the same concept except for the grown-ups.  I completely love this video, love the maker's dry humor, and love the way he draws the pictures as he describes them.  I completely suggest to everyone to check out more of the videos from his "Tales of Mere Existence" series, and most notably his second best video (which is just as sarcastically true) "What Would Penis Do?"  Also worth noting in this video is the "Happy Valentines Day (snicker)" found in the video's description. 


3. Drinking Out of Cups
Ignoring all the different theories regarding the source of the audio, this is easily the most ridiculous video I have ever seen and completely love it for that reason.  The entire video just shows an animated lizard in various scenery, ranging from the woods to under the see, and he is just spewing verbal diarrhea the entire time.  But this isn't just any verbal diarrhea, it is perhaps the most amazingly quotable thing I have ever listened to in my life.  Throughout my life I have been able to apply lines from this video to my own life and although most of the time it is followed with a blank stare, it is endlessly entertaining to myself.  I am now going to make a list of things that you will never be able to regard in the same way due to this video, lizards, knots, cups, balloons, walkways, floors, chairs, lighthouses, towels, seahorses and seashells.  So for the good of yourself, and everyone around you, watch this video if you have not seen it and spread the wealth.  There is no way you will regret it.

2. Rejected
So there are two things about this video that probably should have kept me from putting it on this list, first I have already linked to it before and I wanted to talk about videos that I hadn't had the chance to talk about yet, and secondly, this video was nominated for a mother fucking Academy Award.  The latter should instantly make it invalid for this list, since I did say "no professionally done work", but you know what?  Rules were meant to be broken and there is no better short film ever made that I should break this rule for.  So to discuss this video, I am going to point out that it is the perfect blend of the two videos that preceded it, it has the gritty cartoon style of "How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps" but instead of using it to convey a message of complete sarcasm and truth, it is used to convey a group of circumstances that are even more ridiculous and random than "Drinking Out of Cups."  The best part about the fact that it fuses these two videos together is that it does better than each in their own game, this video is nearly perfection.  It amazes me that there even exists a video that I could hold in higher regard than I do for Rejected, but since it is only ranked at number 2, and there must be a number 1, there is a video that I clearly do hold in higher regard....

1. Unforgivable

If you have never seen this video before it is unforgivable, and it is even more unforgivable if you don't like this video.  If anybody ever asked me to explain the point of Youtube to me, I would simply send them a link to this video.  It is merely a black man in the woods with a few of his friends and a video camera, what ensues is pure unedited and extremely vulgar genius.  The pure quotability and excess of hilarious situations and things that are said is amazing in this video.  It leaves me completely speechless, and I wouldn't be able to do it justice anyways, just watch it and enjoy.  Also it wouldn't be a bad idea to watch any of it's sequels either.

Too many Honorable mentions to name...