Project Yancey: Episode 30: Doug's Secret Admirer

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to hear the story of a truly remarkable moment in the life of Doug Funnie, this is the story of Doug's first kiss.  It begins one morning at school when Doug finds a mysterious pink note in his locker.  If the note is to believed two things are true, first that Doug is cute (debatable) and secondly, that Doug has a secret admirer.  Due to the excitement Doug could not pay attention to whatever nonsense Mrs. Wingo was spewing that day (you can hear it in the background and it legitimately is verbal diarrhea), and he instead opted to check out every girl in the class and weigh whether or not she was capable of writing him the note.  The first people he considers are these two formerly unknown chicks who apparently would be working in tandem, or at least that's how Doug imagined it.  But that fantasy was disrupted when they noticed him staring at them and they gave him the good ol' "why don't you take a picture, It'll last longer" routine (a routine which has been tragically cut out of the American lexicon since the 90s).  Next on Doug's list of usual suspects is Patti Mayonnaise, but he figures theres no way he could be so lucky, he figured it would be more likely Roger would put on a wig and skirt and put the notes in his locker to humiliate him.  But eventually class ends and Doug finds a new note in his locker, this time arranging a meeting at the Honker Burger, and she will be the one in the Bluffington School sweatshirt.  We get a quick meaningless scene where Doug is preparing for his blind date and can't think of what to say (for the record, no more than a week ago I made an icebreaker on the bus for the hall of fame, stay tuned) and in the end he talks to Judy who advises him well.  Later that night Doug arrives at the Honker Burger and the first thing he sees is Patti out front wearing her Bluffington School sweatshirt!  Its only after Doug makes a moderately awkward fool of himself that he notices everybody else at the Honker Burger is wearing the same sweater, and he proceeds to wait alone the whole night for his secret admirer.  The next morning Doug explains the situation to Skeeter, and that is when they catch Bee Bee Bluff putting a new note in Doug's locker, and shortly after Doug realizes that he doesn't like Bee Bee at all, so the two of them go into sabotage mode.  After pushing aside the idea of slugging her, they decide instead to make Doug act like Roger, but even though they set up an elaborate scene with terrible acting at the basketball game, Bee Bee keeps on leaving notes.  This latest note is the be-all end-all of notes, in which she sets up a meeting at the big parade that night.  Doug decides the only way combat this is to put "Plan C" into action, where Doug runs away from Bee Bee as soon as she is spotted.  Things aren't that easy in practice as Doug sees her at the parade and while hiding remembers how much it sucks to be stood up (like he was the night before) so he approaches her and tries to let her down easy.  After a short and confusing conversation, both of them find out the notes were in the wrong locker, to which Bee Bee was so excited she jumped on and kissed Doug (theres the first kiss!)  It turns out that the notes were for Skeeter (which was a well established semi-relationship by that point anyways), and the two of them marched in the parade together and Doug marched alongside Patti!  Another day, another crisis averted.

How did they get a picture of my room!?!?

First I guess I have to acknowledge the fact I'm writing this two days after Valentine's Day, so I would like to hope all you readers out there had a good one!  Now on to my own life, its pretty obvious to point out I've never had a secret admirer before (I've already said in a previous article that I look like Tobey Maguire, and theres no way anybody is that attracted by Tobey.)  But this does remind me of the days leading up to getting my first girlfriend (which seems to be a recurring topic despite being incredibly underwhelming and short).  The talks were initiated when one day I received an email from her which more or less amounted to "hey, you are there, you aren't incredibly unbearable, lets date" which was enough for me.  There was no cool secrecy to it, or any interesting meetings.  To tell the truth, the lead in was quite boring and not very notable, and neither was the result, but it was worth it since I was able to relate it to this Doug episode.  But now for something interesting!  As mentioned earlier, I made an "icebreaker for the hall of fame" which I shall now tell you.  It was on the bus, and I made eye contact with this one girl twice, she was good looking so I said the first thing that came to mind (here it comes!!!), which was "the awkward silence sure beats walking in this weather."  This prompted some conversation, but nothing else really panned out of it, but if you can say anything, it is that that is a pretty good icebreaker.  Confidence men, that is the key.

The french mime version of my bus encounter.