Project Yancey: Episode 22: Doug's Fair Lady

The episode begins and cues the cheesy stereotypical game show music because Patti is on the theoretical game show "Your Saturday Night" where she is deciding between three possible ways to spend her Saturday night.  The first is writing an extra credit paper on the mating habits of some fly with Mrs. Wingo, the second is staying at home and washing her hair (which probably does take a whole night with that perm of hers doesn't it?), and the last is exploring the mating habits of human beings (albeit the most purely innocent ones) by going to the tri-county fair with Doug Funnie!  The time has come when she has to make a decision, and in her lack of decisiveness, Doug thinks to himself about how much he would love the first date of his life to be with Patti Mayonnaise.  This whole idea comes to mind when Doug and Skeeter see the sign for the tri-county fair which is the next day, as they discuss this Patti comes by and Doug gets a genius idea.  Based on his blank stare and being zoned out, Skeeter knows exactly what Doug is thinking and suggests they can do a group thing with them two, Porkchop, Bee Bee (Skeeter's gal) and Patti, and maybe Patti could even sit next to him on the giant Ferris wheel!  As Doug imagines how glorious that could be, it is the two of them on the Ferris wheel, and Doug is serenading her on his banjo with a tune so great I need to write the lyrics, "You and me go round and round, from the sky to the ground, with the moonlight high above, looking at you could be love."  So when they get back to Doug's house, they get out the phone book and have Doug call Patti up, he gets really nervous that she will reject him so it takes a try or two, but he finally connects with her and clearly shows his lack of experience, even Skeeter rolls his eyes a few times amazed that Doug is so clumsy with his words.  When he can't remember why he called, Porkchop and Skeeter help him by holding up a sign that says "go to the fair stupid" which Doug stupidly repeats word for word.  Perhaps not caring that Doug just called her stupid, Patti accepts and Doug falls back in his chair full of excitement.  Unfortunately the first thing that happens when they meet up at the fair is that Roger finds them and decides to tag along with them.  Since they are at a fair, the only thing to do is to play games for stuffed animals.  Doug is pretty much the only one of them not showered in cheap stuffed animals by nightfall and their decision to go on the Ferris wheel, and worse than that Doug's confidence is ruined by Patti even rooting for Roger in the games!  So Doug goes to the Ferris wheel and sits hoping that Patti will come sit next to him, something that manages to happen shortly after, and when she asked if she could sit with him, Doug's face stretched into such a large deformed smile, I swore the episode was going to segue into the Black Hole Sun music video (by the way, Superunknown is probably the 3rd best album of the 90's in my mind.)  It turns out this is the fastest Ferris wheel on Earth, not quite as romantic, but they have a good time on it and even afterwards Patti helps Doug out of the seat and he holds on to her hand as the fair's fireworks go off, Doug is totally loving it.  I need to quote Doug for how cool it was, "Even if it was only for a second, even if she was only helping me off the Ferris wheel, Patti Mayonnaise and I held hands at the tri-county fair for a solid 20 seconds!"

They are having a blast!  The teddy bear looks a little calm for being on such an exciting ride though...

So now that we have seen Doug's first date (it was technically a "Group Thing", but you gotta give the kid some credit), it would be proper for me to talk about my first date, but unfortunately it wasn't very interesting, plus it was already touched on a little in a previous article.  So rather than do that, I think I will discuss one of my more intriguing situations of going on "group things".  This happened a little more than a year and a half ago, during the summer when I was home from school.  I spent my time working at a local grocery store, which I must say does a good job of hiring an attractive slew of cashiers, and although I was older than most of them by at least a year, it was my last year of being able to work there where a majority of the workers were within a "dateable" age range for myself.  So knowing this ahead of time I went to work and tried to make my good impressions, and it didn't take too long until I made two of them, both of which were rather attractive girls and also happened to be best friends.  So before long a friend of mine as well as myself were invited to visit them at a nearby beach where they were vacationing, and since this friend of mine was recently on a date with one of them, we (read: me) kind of assumed it was a "group thing".  So when the day finally came it was a really confusing situation since things didn't work out with my friend's date and I figured the other one was into me and we were gonna go with that flow.  So when we got there the tables had been turned and we had switched up the sides, which I really didn't react to but definitely should have.  For some reason I was unable to adapt to the change and turn my attentions to the girl that was clearly giving me more attention, so I spent most of the day basically sending myself into a spiral that I was too dumb to easily avoid.  Either that or it wasn't meant to be a date-esque meeting anyways and I thought too much into it.  All I know was that in retrospect it wasn't a bad experience at all, and maybe next time I find myself in such a position I will be able to not screw myself over, but theres no use in crying over spilled milk, you just gotta ride along and find a store that is still open so you can buy more milk and attempt to not spill this milk, and even if you do spill it and you think it's too late, gas stations are usually open 24/7 and you can still buy milk there, and as long as you don't spend all your money on milk that you go on to spill, theres no excuse in crying over spilled milk because you can just get some more.  I guess what I'm trying to say is theres a lot of fish in the sea so get out of your little lake.  But I can cry because it was raining so I didn't even go to the beach that day.

Unfortunately I can't think of a picture that would apply to this story, so I will explain why I've been writing so few articles lately.  I've had work and this...

Project Yancey: Episode 21: Doud's Runaway Journal

This episode starts off rather strangely, it doesn't apply the typical Doug formula of Doug's voice narrating his journal passage as he writes it, why is this?  Because he cannot find his journal, and the beginning scene features him searching every nook and cranny of his room trying to find it but no cigar.  As he begins searching the house beyond his room, Judy hears him and peeks out of her room to see what is going on, and sees a crazed Doug searching around.  He notices her and asks if she's seen it but she hasn't seen his diary (JOURNAL!), and proceeds to watch Doug go completely berserk, even checking for it in the toilet.  She advises Doug to sleep on it, but we find this advice wasn't very helpful as Doug has nightmares about his journal getting destroyed and wakes up in a cold sweat.  His next idea is to retrace his steps, a phrase in which he takes too literally as he walks the same path he walked yesterday, except walking backwards and inspecting the ground under every step he took.  This first takes him to the Honker Burger drive-thru, who he asks but they haven't seen the diary either (IT'S A JOURNAL!), so he proceeds to walk backwards to his previous(?) location.  Next he finds himself in the library talking to the librarian, after making a poor choice of words and asking if anybody found a book the day before, he refines his question and asks if anybody found his journal, and no diary (JOURNALLLLLL!!!) was found.  Finally he ends up at school, and realizes the possibility that somebody found and read his journal.  Knowing Doug's nature, he hears people laughing and assumes they are discussing his personal matters from his journal, which he assumes everyone had read.  These matters include (but are not limited to): Doug thinking he got a pimple only for it to actually be a mosquito bite, Doug being afraid of taking the trash out at night, and his thinking that Mr. Bone's ears wiggle when he gets angry.  Mrs. Wingo asks Doug what is wrong and shortly puts his mind at ease by pointing out that many famous authors journals have been published and successful.  After fantasizing about being a smug writer, Doug realizes the dangers of somebody finding out he loves Patti.  And right on cue, Patti comes over and asks Doug whats wrong, he tells her his journal is missing, and she makes the worst reaction ever, "Aren't you afraid someone will read it and find out all your personal stuff?"  He finally takes initiative to post fliers around town.  After this is over, Doug returns to his room and feels the need to try to write about the day somewhere else, attempts on writing on "Multicolored Loose-leaf Paper" and toilet paper fail.  As things always happen at perfect times for Doug, Judy informs Doug someone called about finding his journal, but unfortunately the caller is none other than Roger Klotz.  Doug imagines Roger would use the journal to make a joke out of Doug and even daydreams about Roger with his journal on stage at a comedy club.  Roger tells stories such as, Doug thinking he grew hair under his arms but it was just grass from mowing the lawn, how Doug ripped the seat of his pants and had to staple them together, and finally telling everyone about his love for Patti, (this scene is absolutely perfect, because not only are these funny stories, but they made Roger deliver them perfectly, even giving him the same comedy stylings as Andrew Dice Clay.  I was gonna link to something actually by Dice Clay, but this is much funnier and gets the point across.)  Doug finds Roger at the Honker Burger, and finds out that he didn't read any of the journal, not because hes a good person, but because Doug's handwriting sucks (comes in handy), so Doug was reunited with his journal and life is back to normal.

That's what I call front page news!

This is a really ironic (is it ironic, the definition for irony sucks because apparently nothing in Alanis Morisette's song is ironic at all, just unforunate) because I am writing about what it would be like if somebody found my journal and read it, on my blog, which is basically a journal open to all the public should they be able to stumble upon it.  So obviously you should be able to figure out that I don't mind people reading what I think about myself, my experiences, and various other topics, but there are a few other things to discuss.  First is anonymity, a certain amount of people do know that it is indeed myself who writes this, but other than those who know already my name may or may not actually be Chase Robertson, and I could be from anywhere and know anyone, I've tried quite hard to be ambiguous enough that nobody would be able to ascertain who I am without already knowing, but at least have their ideas.  This aspect will probably become much more necessary in the cases where I am talking about my personal life and the various conquests I have partaken in, because those include more than just myself and I don't think the parties involved would appreciate being mentioned by name.  Another thing is when or not to conceal information, there have already been a few instances in which I have left out details that would not sabotage the story, but would rather skew the story slightly to make myself look like less of a freak/jerk/mess/weirdo, take your pick at which one(s).  So keep this stuff in mind if you continue reading my mindless ramblings, maybe you will be able to pick out the minute details that give me away, hide me, or be able to make the inferences about what I decide not to say.  Best of luck with that, cause now I'm gonna make sure not to give anything out

Self-portait (as far as you know)

Project Yancey: Episode 20: Doug Loses Dale

So Doug is riding a camel through the desert, I'm still a little unclear as to why, but it has something to do with a criminal refugee camp because he lost his best friend's baby brother (Dale from the title).  Per the norm, Doug wonders how he found himself in this mess so we get a flashback to Doug at the park seeing Skeeter at the sandbox with his little brother Dale.  Skeeter proceeds to tell Doug about how his Dad has a really cool tugboat captain's picnic, but they can't go because Dale's babysitter was sick.  Taking the cue and waiting until Doug asks what happens next, Skeeter finishes his fabulous guilt trip by asking Doug if he could be Dale's babysitter for the day, which Doug has no choice but to accept.  So Doug, who doesn't know beans about babysitting decides to ask around for help.  He first asks Judy who proceeds to do some weird thing which includes her acting like a child, and when Doug doesn't play along, she gives him a clown mask she claims will make them laugh every time.  Then he goes to the Honker Burger to ask his friends,  Bee Bee basically admits shes a spoiled brat and her babysitters treated her as such, Chaulky suggests snacks, a girl who I presume to be Connie even though they have her skin and hair color different from the Connie we get to know better later in the series suggests coloring books.  The last piece of advice comes from Roger (why are they sitting with him, I thought he was the school bully wasn't their friend?  The writers are pretty schizophrenic about how he gels with the other characters) who acknowledges Doug is gonna mess up and suggests he gets a good lawyer.  So armed with this advice the Valentines leave for the picnic and Doug gets to work.  Almost immediately, Dale starts looking out the window and screaming for his mommy, so Doug tries to distract him and put him in good spirits with Judy's clown mask.  Judy's advice would have worked perfectly if instead of "laugh" she said "scare the living daylights out of", which is exactly what happens.  We now cut to a fake newscast watching over Doug's work and are told again that the clown mask scares children.  But Doug finally gets on Dale's good side when he tries to give him ice cream, but instead they make a total mess.  The next stop is Dale's room for a shirt change, this is when we find out Dale has the best wardrobe ever as he turns down offers to dress up as a cowboy, spaceman, monkey and racecar driver before Doug lets Dale dress himself.  It turns out to be a mess, but is remedied rather easily.  To distract Dale for a longer time, Doug pulls out the crayons and coloring books, which work perfectly well until Doug has to answer the phone and returns to find Dale has drawn on the walls.  He doesn't know how to deal with it easily so he accidentally yells at Dale, and scares him off long enough to clean the walls.  The problem is, even after the walls are clean, Doug can't find Dale, this is when Doug remembers Roger's advice, and gives a daydream back to the camel in the desert which is just long enough for him to say "no comment."  Almost instantly after this the Valentines are returning, and Doug quickly thinks that he would hide in the downstairs laundry if he was Dale.  The Valentines come in to find Doug rummaging through their dirty laundry (which they don't find odd at all), and right when Doug is going to admit he lost Dale, Dale pops out from the laundry saying "Momma!"  Doug gets paid and asked to be the new babysitter, but he respectfully declines after that adventure.

This kid knows how to dress himself up!

I've babysat two sets of children in my lifetime, probably for a combined like 4 times total, but you know what, its an experience.  One set of children was just my little sister, who in her younger days was probably as irritating as any other combination of children I've ever met in my life.  It usually would start out with watching TV and then something stupid would happen and we would argue and she would be a little brat.  Luckily she has matured a little since then, but I also don't have to babysit her anymore.  The other set of children are a couple of my cousins.  The oldest is a girl who is my sister's age, and the middle child was another girl, and the youngest was a boy.  The two girls were usually good about keeping each other busy so I never really had to worry about them much, so my job was just to keep the little one occupied.  These times kind of reminded me of Big Daddy (which is one of my favorite movies, even though being my third favorite Adam Sandler movie from the 90s, something I've already discussed a little), as all we did was just hang around and play video games, play with his toys and watch old cartoons on demand.  The video games were typically simple, we usually played Lego Star Wars on the Gamecube (which is probably one of the most unexpectedly fun games I've ever played.)  He really likes sharks so we usually played with some of the sweet shark toys he had, which is always pretty cool because sharks are pretty damn cool.  But the most chill part was that this kid loved Tom and Jerry, which I could also watch for hours.  So after following that schedule, he would usually be asleep by the time his mom came home, so I would leave having successfully sat the babies.  So if Doug asked me what my babysitting advice would be, I would actually kinda follow with Judy's first try, and tell him that you need to act like a child and be a child to watch a child, and having the same taste in cartoons doesn't hurt either.

My Babysitting Methods: CARTOONS!!!!

Project Yancey: Episode 19: Doug's Cookin'

The ever-versatile cheese sandwich

"Some say cooking is an art, others say it's more like a science.  After today, I would say that cooking is more like an attack from outer space."  These insightful words from Doug Funnie, start this episode as he and Porkchop try to fight off a huge flesh colored blob from covering the entire school kitchen.  A cooking contest in class causes this thought, as Mrs. Wingo decides that for Home Ec. grade teams of two students were going to have a cooking contest where the most delicious and original plate wins (much like Iron Chef, except without an awesome Kitchen Stadium and a crazy Japanese host.)  Upon hearing this news, the girls of the room all cheer, and once they are done doing so all the guys boo, and Roger says "hey cooking is for girls!"  Roger obviously isn't the only one who thinks so in that class, and that may have been one of the most objective comments he has ever made.  As Mrs. Wingo reads off the team, the only three teams we hear, are probably the only three that are interesting at all.  First, she calls Skeeter and Bee Bee, to which Roger asks if they are gonna make a Wedding Cake (from now on that becomes an off and on running subplot for the rest of the series), which amazes me because Roger has already made two comments that you don't immediately think to yourself that hes a total ass.  The second  team read off is Doug and Patti!  This comes after it is revealed via daydream that Doug can make a mean grilled cheese sandwich, and after the teams are named it is revealed Patti can't cook.  As they are making plans to practice at Doug's house tonight, Roger chimes in again, this time asking if he can be the baby since they are playing house tonight (this comment is beyond creepy, I won't even try to express it.)  And finally the last team is Roger and Mrs. Wingo, serves that bastard right.  As Doug prepares to have Patti over he searches for a recipe, but the only cookbooks he has are variations of grilled cheese, so Porkchop suggests (by miraculously morphing himself) to ask Mr. Dink.  Since he just purchased a [very expensive] computer chef and diet manager thing, named for Julia Child (My first ever Simmons-esque aside: I don't know if anybody else finds this interesting, but Julia Child was 6'2", that's the same height as a deceptively tall John Candy, and Mickey Rourke is only 5'11".  I randomly find this kind of stuff interesting and could look for hours, just try out www.celebheights.com, you will find yourself spending a lot more time than you think looking at people's heights.)  But anyways, after Julia insults Mr. Dink's eating habits, Doug decides to try to make a carrot cake with Patti.  As expected, Patti massively fails at cooking, and they don't even reach the point of putting it in the oven.  Discouraged, Patti starts spinning a basketball on her finger and a commercial comes on featuring a pizza chef spinning the dough on his finger, the coincidence in the air is nearly palpable at that point.  So the cooking contest starts, we see Bee Bee bossing poor ol' Skeeter around (who are we kidding he's lovin' it, those two lovebirds were made for each other), Mrs. Wingo has to monitor the students so Roger is basically left alone to ruin their banana pudding, and Doug and Patti have things go well and Patti even tells Doug they make a great team. Long story short, Roger tries to ditch his crappy banana pudding, crashes into Doug and Patti, Pudding goes on pizza, Doug and Patti feel like its over, Skeeter catches up and tells them people love their banana pizza, they win, Doug goes home a happy camper because Patti said they make a great team (first team, later couple... maybe.)

She was 6'2", thats amazing!

I wouldn't call myself a chef by any stretch of the imagination, the extent of my cooking knowledge is putting something on a cookie sheet at 375 degrees and let it sit until it looks about right.  But don't hate on those methods, the foods that I can make turn out really good, and I am sometimes clever about mixing foods together and having it work out.  So while I acknowledge that I really need to learn how to cook, I'm usually too lazy to actually put time into caring about how to cook, which will likely come back to bite me in the ass when I do need the skill.  So since theres not really much to talk about, I'll acknowledge that I've worked at a grocery store for 4 years or so as of now, and I'm gonna discuss some of the more strange/disgusting foods I have happened to stumble across.  First I must mention chocolate whipped cream, to put it bluntly, I can't see that being put on anything without looking like something from "2 girls 1 cup".  Sorry if you have had this product and enjoy it, but I'm sorry its the only thing i can think of when i try to see what that would look like.  Another similar product I've seen is canned pancakes, this is pancake mix in a can similar to what whipped cream comes in and apparently is released in the same manner, this just seems really weird to me and I don't think I would be able to try it out.  I also don't want to understand what people do with the chicken gizzards and hearts that I see purchased at a much higher frequency than I would have ever otherwise guessed (yes, they sell pretty well).  But it isn't all bad things in the realm of strange foods, many of the random strange ethnic fruit look really good, and even in the case of the Ugli fruit (yes that's the name on the sticker), which looks like an orange with a tumor, they are delicious nonetheless.  The last food, which isn't really strange at all but I've always wanted to try is bison meat, I've heard many times that it is great but I've never bought it.  Maybe when I learn how to cook I'll become a bison specialist.

I think you see my point.

Project Yancey: Episode 18: Doug's Doodle

Operation Wingo (not to be confused with Project Yancey) is underway, secret agent Doug Funnie, is on the job, and successfully puts together a pretty funny ripoff of James Bond movie introductions.  As he uses a grappling hook to climb to the top of the school he tells us what is at stake, the entire mission and two-thirds of his Social Studies grade, this is surely a dangerous mission, but we are reassured when he claims Danger is his middle name.  Any Doug fan knows this is a lie, and a lie he immediately fesses up to by pointing out his middle name is Yancey (I really hope everybody already knew that's where the title "Project Yancey" came from, but if you didn't there it is), and Porkchop zooms by him up the wall making him lose his control and hang from the rope.  We will accept his next comment that Danger is in fact his nickname, because he is swinging from a rope at what he claims to be 50 feet, and he starts wondering about how he got in this situation [cue flashback fade].  It was Doug in class, and instead of doing his work, he was making a masterpiece of a doodle of Mrs. Wingo, making sure to hide it as she walks by.  It's now that Mrs. Wingo asks for the students to pass in their essays, and Doug gets excited he gets to see and talk to Patti.  Completely smitten by Patti, Doug passes in his essay along with the doodle he forgot he was hiding below it.  Once Doug realizes this, things get rough and the daydreams take over, first taking us to Funnie family dinner being interrupted by a crying Mrs. Wingo in the form of his doodle asking why he did this to her.  It is at this moment I think Doug completely snaps, the world around him disappears and a swirl of colors takes over as he thinks to himself she will never know if he just plays it cool.  It is ironically right when he thinks this that Mrs. Wingo asks about who turned in a paper, which Doug confesses to before Mrs. Wingo is able to say the paper is an essay entitled "My First Pair of High Heels" and doesn't have a name on it.  Doug gets completely and utterly embarrassed, but still can't take his mind off of what will happen when he gets caught.  Now realizing he can't play it cool he concentrates on trying to get the picture back, the first being that opening the window will cause a tornado in the room allowing him to snatch the doodle from the air, reality is much different because he stepped on Roger's foot who steps on his foot, and this causes a Mrs. Wingo to notice them and he couldn't open the window.  So Doug's next thought is Mrs. Wingo will put him in stocks in the middle of town 1800s Salem Witch Trials style, as he is harassed by his classmates.  Doug finally thinks of a decent idea, seeing a classmate reading a Smash Adams comic (James Bond/ secret agent spoof), and thinks about being able to come into the school after hours and take it back (a cutscene finishes the opening sequence.)  But Doug quickly realizes that Mrs. Wingo will see it before school is over, and goes to the next secret agent method, flatter the lady and take the picture when she is too flattered to pay attention.  Doug awkwardly attempts to hit on Mrs. Wingo in a sequence that is so awkward you almost need to put your face in your hands, and actually speeds up the process by knocking the papers over and the top one is his drawing.  Mrs. Wingo asks the class who did it, and Boomer's reaction makes her think he did it so she assigns him detention.  Realizing himself nor Smash Adams could let Boomer take the blame, Doug admits it's his drawing and takes the detention.  During detention Mrs. Wingo shows Doug the other doodles of herself shes gotten from students and asks him to sign his picture to put it into the gallery, and once Doug thinks hes off the hook, hes asked to clean all the desks, ample punishment.

IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE! Haunting...

I am admittedly not an artist, and have no talent for doodling pictures at all, especially of teachers, but that doesn't mean I haven't had two much similar circumstances.  The first came during my high school journalism class, when a case of boredom led me to search for pictures of my teacher on Google Images (perhaps the best site on the Internet), and I found a picture of him from many years passed.  Not only was he making a silly face, possibly from drunkenness, but the bald teacher we had all come to know and love had magnificent long blond locks of hair and my friends as well as myself were utterly stunned by this wonderful picture we had found.  The first thing I did was find a picture of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and make a collage on MS Paint of how Fergalicious this teacher was by pasting his face on Fergie and drawing a few hearts around him and later set it as my class computer's desktop background.  To take it to the next level, my friends convinced me to use the common journalism e-mail address to send the picture to him.  He saw this in class and found it quite funny so we all laughed about it and had a good time.  The second time was a little more devious.  The professor of an Engineering class I took had a habit of asking "is this clear?" about 30 times in a two hour class.  The excessive use of this phrase caused me to use my computer (and trusty old MS Paint) to find a picture of him and a crystal, and jokingly put a quote bubble asking "Is this clear?" (By the way, the crystal was in fact clear so the answer is "Yes".)  I also proceeded to use a personal E-mail address to send it to everybody in that class at that time, and before the end of the class I was actually able to look around class at other students who had found it funny too, and some even posted it as their desktop backgrounds.  I later heard another student from the class used that picture in a class presentation.  It was my first every work submitted to the public domain that was actually used.  I will show the pictures below but to attempt to conceal the identities of both myself and those involved, I will black bar their eyes out (as if that actually works.)

High School Art.

College Art.

Project Yancey: Episode 17: Doug Needs Money

It's I Need Money!

This episode teaches us a few great lessons and none are much better than the first one we learn right off the bat, playing softball/baseball in your backyard is never a good idea, it's just too small.  We get this proof when Doug smacks one, but it leaves his yard and happens to land directly on Mr. Dink's custom grill that was modeled to look like his face.  After realizing what they have done, and after Skeeter does a great impression of Mr. Dink saying the grill was "very expensive", they start to think of what they are gonna do about it.  Their first idea is to just tell him about it and apologize, but upon seeing Mr. Dink brought to tears when he sees the grill is broken (right before his big cook-out), they second guess themselves because Doug daydreams that he will turn into an angry green monster when he hears they broke his grill.  This leads to an attempt at plan B, this would be to start their own business to make enough money to buy a new grill.  Since children don't have a lot of possible jobs (outside of beat-down sweatshop jobs in third-world countries, but I don't think they thought of that) they decide to start their very own car wash company in Doug's front yard.  Obviously this plan fails as they got only one customer in Dale, who pays with bottlecaps (this isn't the Capital Wasteland buddy!)  So they decide to try cliche child job number 2, raking leaves.  They finish their first yard, Skeeter's, but Dale ruins them again by jumping in the leaf pile and messing it up before they are able to get their pay.  This discourages them enough to give up that ill-conceived plan as well.  Once they think things are going bad, Mr. Dink drives by and chats with the two of them, and gets reduced to tears when he thinks about his grill, things just got worse.  In a last ditch effort they try to split up and use each of their own personal talents, Doug and Porkchop walk dogs, and Skeeter blows balloons for little kids, these also don't bring in much cash.  When thinking about their business model, they realize they have made -$9.50, so they cut their losses and decide to confess to Mr. Dink.  The confession is a little awkward, but definitely heartfelt, and even though he is clearly a little broken up about the loss of his grill, Mr. Dink appreciated their efforts to work to try and get him a new grill, and decided not to turn into a green monster and kill them, but rather they were going to do some odd jobs for him and they would be even.  The first of these odd jobs was to make the burgers at his cookout, which goes strikingly well, so honesty and a hard day's work pays off in the end as it should.  Doug and Skeeter are (kinda) off the hook.

Rakin' in that cash-money!

Oh jeez, I've had a pretty bad history with breaking people's stuff.  I put a hole in my friend's wall before on accident, I've broken a light bulb at another friend's house, and I'm sure that I've had many other instances in which I have accidentally destroyed things that don't belong to me.  But the most notable, and recent happened last year when I was a major factor in the destruction of my friend's refrigerator.  It wasn't as hard as it seems because he was letting my roommate and I borrow the fridge for they year, but it didn't make it that long.  It all happened after a long night of drinking, which is definitely the worst night of drinking I have ever "experienced," quotations added because it was the only time I've gotten to a level of inebriation in which I was unable to recall the events of the night past.  The last part I remembered was being unable to put a key in a goddamn hole, so I had to walk to the pizza place to find my roommate to unlock it for me (yeah, I know that's bad.)  Fast forwarding to the next morning, my phone was busted up because I likely vomited on it, and lets just say there were non-refrigeratable items in the refrigerator. These items made using this fridge in the future undesirable, so I threw it out.  For multiple reasons that has been the worst day of my life, a day I hope will never happen again.  I'm still trying to make it up to my friend, whether he thinks it or not, I owe him.  Even if it means I will never live this down (and I won't).

I didn't mean to ruin you :(

Project Yancey: Episode 16: Doug's Big Catch

Call him Ishmael, nah, just call him Doug.  But he is helping Mr. Dink to catch his proverbial "White Whale", a fish affectionately named Old Chester.  A monster fish Mr. Dink caught years ago and had stole his wallet, he has been trying to catch him at the big Bass-Off Contest at Lucky Duck Lake.  Doug finds this very exciting, so he agrees to be Mr. Dink's partner at the contest and partake in some '"fish warfare", which Doug imagines to involve a submarine (and unfortunately doesn't.)  Next thing we know, it's the day of the contest and Mr. Dink came well prepared with all the gadgets he could get his hands on, so while hes taking the long time to load his boat, he asks Doug to go get some hot dogs for the two of them.  At the hot dog stand, Doug gets warned by Roger and his goons about crazy ol' Mr. Dink and his mythical Old Chester.  Doug tries to sneak back to Mr. Dink's boat so nobody would notice, but you can tell he also has some real doubts about continuing this quest.  Mr. Dink knows people think hes crazy, and not being one to leave a crazy man to himself, Doug doesn't turn back when Mr. Dink gives him the opportunity.  But as soon as the contest begins, the excess of equipment in the boat seems to be too much and the boat sinks into the lake.  Right when Mr. Dink decides to call it quits, Doug thinks to make a makeshift fishing pole from a stick, a shoelace, a safety pin and some gum, and starts fishing off the deck.  Shortly after Doug finds something is tugging at his line and calls Mr. Dink over to give him some help.  Lo and behold, they have pulled up the famous Old Chester, complete with his 3 fins, but he is notably smaller than the stories made him out to be.  But realizing he just enjoyed the thrill of the hunt, Mr. Dink decides to let Old Chester go, and he even got his wallet back!  But the wallet was missing $3 he had in there years ago, the chase is back on.

It's official, Mr. Dink has gone totally bonkers.

Back where I'm from we never had any urban legends of this sort, so I never spent my childhood days chasing after a potentially fictional creature (even though my brothers and I did make up an imaginary monster named Meatloaf that lives in our backyard to scare our younger cousin.)  I was also never much of an outdoorsman, so I've been fishing only a handful of times, and none of those times were particularly entertaining or memorable.  So I figure this would be as good a time as many to discuss the act of me being a guy, chasing after girls I find particularly appealing (a little bit of a stretch, but its the discussion of my own big "catches").  I will be the first to admit that my methods are very flawed, I am a shy kid so I wait around to meet people, and hope that fate will drop the chances of a lifetime on my lap.  Every once in a while this actually works for me, and when that happens I like to think I am more than competent as a sweet talker.  If I have a bread and butter, that is it.  Throughout my years of life, I've become charismatic, and have a pretty good personality that highlights the positives in myself, as well as pointing out the positives in whomever I'm speaking to.  Thanks a key point though, I know my weaknesses and either avoid them completely or make jokes about them (another strength of mine), because it isn't worth trying to be insecure about your weaknesses, from an Incubus song Smile Lines, "Insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade."  So even though I started by saying my methods are flawed, I've only pointed out one flaw, that is because it is a huge flaw and relies almost completely on circumstance.  But there is one more big ol' flaw, the fact that everything I've said is purely how I feel about myself, and I cannot say with any confidence that a majority, if anybody, will even agree with my on any of those points.  So there's another entry that gets you all into my head a little more.  I hope you enjoy the insights, and just to let you know there is gonna be a streak of good ones ahead!

Sweet talkin' like these freshly made pastries.  Tasty!  

October Means Playoff Baseball

Hello Everybody, I'm gonna take a break from Project Yancey for a day or two because I want to talk some baseball.  If you hadn't known, the 2010 season just ended and we are heading into the postseason, which is basically the only reason (outside of Halloween) October exists.  I won't write my ideas about the season yet, I'm planning to do so after the World Series has been wrapped up, but I will say this was easily the most enticing and amazing season since 1998 which was easily the pinnacle of baseball from my childhood.  So for my playoff preview I am going to rank all of the 8 playoff teams in the order of likelihood they will win it all, and will try to relate each of the teams to a baseball movie that I may have specifically liked.  (Note: I am going to try not to put any bias into this being a Braves and Red Sox fan, but please forgive me if it gets in the way.)

Rookie of the Year
8. Atlanta Braves
See, I'm proving my lack of bias by claiming my personal favorite team has the worst chance of winning and is thus the worst of the teams.  My reasons for saying so is that I've watched them a lot and they really sputtered into the playoffs, coming down to a virtual must-win situation in game 162.  They have really been slumping lately (you really need more than one guaranteed starting outfielder to succeed in the playoffs), and had a terrible time for the injury bug to bite (breakout star infielder Martin Prado is out, and starting pitcher Jair Jurrjens is questionable).  But there are three reasons I see for why the Braves can be scary. First, they still have Tim Hudson, and Derek Lowe and Tommy Hanson have been pitching really hot lately, mixed with a very good bullpen they could do well in a short series.  Secondly, never underestimate the "do it for the skipper" psyche, with legendary manager Bobby Cox calling it quits at the end of the year.  And lastly, the reason I adorned this team with it's movie, Jason Heyward is an electric player who seems to come in in the clutch a lot, and has been playing quite well in the last month or two.  Yes, I would vote Heyward for my Rookie of the Year over Buster Posey, but I'll discuss that in the future.  Go Braves!

The Rookie
7. Cincinnati Reds
The Reds were amongst 2010's darlings, nobody expected them to do so well this year, or even challenge the Cardinals for their reign of the N.L. Central.  Except I did, I specifically went out of my way to say on Facebook on February 1, that the 2010 Reds had the talent and potential to be the 2008 Rays.  Why did I say this, they have a very good young team, with a talented outfield, and a rapidly emerging superstar in Joey Votto.  Yet they also really benefited from the veteran presence of Shortstop Orlando Cabrera (he always manages to get to the playoffs) and Third Baseman Scott Rolen.  With a starting pitching staff that I think was good enough to make it to the playoffs but not do much more, they may go home only a little later than their norm (especially since they face the Phillies in the first round).  Having said that, the 2008 Rays did have the postseason emergence of David Price, and if push comes to shove, I would watch out for Cuban defective Aroldis Chapman to come up huge with his 105 mph fastballs, much like the title character, he is a flame throwing rookie who had to go through some crazy stuff to get there.

Angels in the Outfield
6. Texas Rangers
Their angels in the outfield come in the form of Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, Julio Borbon, and sometimes Vladimir Guerrero (usually the DH though).  In my mind this is probably the most frightening outfield that doesn't have anybody named Either or Kemp in it.  It is definitely an understatement to say this team can score runs, also having Ian Kinsler and Elvis Andrus in their lineup.  They seemed to slide quite easily into the playoffs winning the A.L. West despite having the worst record of a playoff team, albeit by only one game.  I think this team has the potential to be really good in the playoffs but theres perhaps one red flag too many.  First, I don't know what to think of their pitching staff, I love Cliff Lee and C.J. Wilson, but those are easily the worst 1-2 pitchers for any team in the playoffs other than the Reds.  Second, Josh Hamilton is just now getting back to playing after missing nearly a month in September, and since he is probably the A.L. MVP, I'd like to think a lot of pressure rests on his shoulder (but probably less pressure than fighting off drug addictions and getting your life back on track to become the player people thought you were supposed to be after being a first overall pick in the draft.)  Also I don't know why, because I have never really watched them, but I feel like they are shaky defensively, and that's not good when you play the Rays.  But the Rangers are a feel-good team and I hope to see them do well.

5. San Francisco GiantsBad News Bears
I'm gonna jump to the point here, I don't understand how this offense wins games.  Their outfield seems to be comprised of guys who are playing well above their heads, and 3 of their top 4 outfielders weren't even with the club at the beginning of the year (Pat Burrell, Jose Guillen, and Cody Ross).  The infield has seen renaissance years from Juan Uribe and Aubrey Huff, but also saw a decline of their young superstar Pablo Sandoval AKA King Fu Panda AKA The Round Mound of Pound AKA this generation's potential Tony Gwynn.  In all fairness their catcher Buster Posey likely has just as good if not a better resume for Rookie of the Year as does Jason Heyward, but I'm biased and Jason Heyward is a phenom.  I will tell you why this team will in all likelihood beat the Braves in the first round though, neither have notably powerful offenses, but both have rather good starting pitching staffs.  I personally do feel that Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain (who I feel is VERY underrated), and Jonathan Sanchez are talented enough to keep them in any game, and they just seem less likely to give up runs than the Braves pitchers who are really good, but just short of that level (which is not an insult at all, Lincecum won the last 2 Cy Young awards.)  So in the end, the Giants look moderately good because the fact this is not 1998 and the MLB is transitioning into a pitcher's league once again.

The Natural
4. Minnesota Twins
I like the Twins, I like them a lot.  They have a roster that makes you sit there and wonder how good they could be, especially considering how well they played the second half of the year without former MVP Justin Morneau.  They have everything a team needs to succeed, some good young talent in Delmon Young, Denard Span and Danny Valencia, some good veteran players in Orlando Hudson, Michael Cuddyer, and Jim Thome, and most importantly arguably the best player in the league.  Joe Mauer (a bonifide natural talent) is one of the most important players in baseball, hes a terrific catcher defensively and offensively does things that catchers are never known for, consistent hitting, just for that he deserves to be a perennial MVP candidate.  Beyond that, I like their first two pitchers in Francisco Liriano and (moustache of the year nominee) Carl Pavano.  Mix that with a capable relief core, and the Twins can be extremely dangerous. Don't you dare let them sneak under the radar like they seemingly did all season.

3. New York Yankees61*
They are ranked above the Twins basically because they are the Yankees and that franchise really does have some magic for better or for worse.  The team is comprised of the whores of baseball, where money is the only important things.  The few players I feel are not whores, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Robinson Cano are really enough reason to believe a team to be good though.  Considering that the rest of the team is the best players money can buy (get it? get it?) they really are as good of a team as you can get on paper.  But note that I named this section after the movie 61* based on the 1961 season of Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle, which is such an endearing and great movie that my fandom to the Red Sox did not get in the way of enjoying it.  This title made sense to me beyond the fact it is a movie about the Yankees, but it relates because throughout the movie Whitey Ford is the only pitcher you notice or it possibly even mentions, that is a very good description of the 2010 Yankees pitching staff.  Sabathia is a likely Cy Young winner, but beyond him, they may need to be scoring a lot of runs.  Knowing how much pitching has always meant in the playoffs, this seems like a recipe for disaster unless something special happens, again this franchise has seen special things happen so I barely rank them above the Twins, but they are gonna play an even series.

Major League
2. Tampa Bay Rays
Major League is a movie in which the worst possible team is assembled because the owner wanted to sell as little as possible to move the team elsewhere, and when the team starts playing well they find out the team will be broken up to start from scratch the next year.  This is incredibly like the Rays, except for the worst possible team part, this team was expected to play this well, but that didn't stop Tampa fans from not showing up to games (note Florida is the world's largest retirement home so I can't blame them cause they legitimately cannot leave their rooms to go to the game), and finding out toward the end of the year their team will be broken up because the owners don't have the money.  So never underestimate the last hurrah mentality for these guys to want to win one for the memories.  Beyond that, this is a great team, Evan Longoria and Carl Crawford are both incredible talents and the rest of their offense are special players for their own reasons.  They are as good as anybody at playing small ball, and that is always an advantage when you can end up in low scoring games.  I'll also point out that David Price would be my Cy Young vote, and Matt Garza is capable of winning any game, as well as the rest of their starters being very capable.  Factor in Rafael Soriano entering the "best closer in the league" debate, and Joe Maddon knowing how to manage a game, the A.L. is theirs to lose.  (Last wrinkle, they have home field advantage in the ALDS and ALCS, I shudder at the thought of a ALCS game 7 in a nearly empty stadium.  It's simply depressing.)

1. Philadelphia PhilliesMajor League 2
After the same team from the first Major League sees extreme success, and become one of the better teams in the league, they get comfortable where they are and lose track of how they got there.  This causes them to start off with issues but eventually find their stride at the end and go into the playoffs with a lot of momentum.  As scary as it is, that's a perfect description of the Phillies after being in the last 2 World Series (winning one of them).  They finished with the best record in baseball, and have virtually no weakness.  They have 2 former MVPs, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins (even though he is hurt a little), the best second baseman in baseball by a longshot in Chase Utley, and the rest of their starters are, at worst, good players.  Their top 3 pitchers Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels are experienced and as good as anybody in the leagues (even though I feel like Hamels is overrated), and their bullpen is competent (okay maybe one tiny weakness).  I've watched them play the Braves in recent days and they are clutch as a team can get, and don't make mistakes.  It will take a quite good series to knock these guys off, and being a Braves fan, I hope someone does.

Movies I'm sad I didn't get to mention: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Sandlot, Eight Men Out, and A League of Their Own.

Project Yancey: Episode 15: Doug on the Wild Side

This likely won't become a habit, but this piece needs a little bit of mood music, here's a song I've always liked.

Doug's Grandma Opal is coming to visit today, but Doug immediately tells us she isn't quite a normal grandma, even though he sometimes wishes she was.   Once Doug finishes imagining what that would be like, we hear Grandma Opal outside the window making sounds reminiscent of the clown from Happy Gilmore (he beat that clown alright).  Naturally whenever a grandma comes to visit, she must come with gifts!  She gives Doug a white Elvis style leather jacket (I think is pretty ballin) but Doug doesn't like it and imagines that if he wore it he would be apprehended by the fashion police (run by Roger and Beebee.)  It's now that Grandma Opal decides that Doug should give her a tour of Bluffington, and it is up to him to make sure they get home by 6 o'clock sharp for dinner because grandma doesn't believe in watches.  We now find out the best thing about Grandma Opal, she drives a motorcycle!  And this is also great because it cues a daydream in which we get to see badass biker gang Doug.  One of their first actions is to go eat lunch, but not before Grandma Opal befriends a big bad biker guy named Bubba, by showing him some pictures of her grandkids, and Bubba thinks that's pretty far out.  They finally stop at Stuff Your Face Sushi (a candidate for worst named restaurant ever) for lunch, and Doug gets his first introduction to Japanese culture.  He finds out what chopsticks are, and that sushi is raw fish, even making him imagine that his food is going to start begging him to not eat it.  It takes Doug being reminded of the first time he tried ice cream to try the sushi, and he can't wait to tell Skeeter he ate raw fish for lunch and liked it.  Now we reach the pivotal moment of the episode, they happen to stop by Patti at the library and grandma notices immediately Doug has the hots for her, and tells him to tell her she looks nice today, this spawns two really really good cutscenes.  The first is apprehensive Doug presenting every guy's nightmare, complimenting a girl to have her bitchily respond "Oh! So that means I don't look good OTHER days!" or something along those lines (which is a completely illogical response but it's frightening nonetheless.)  The next is Doug with a little confidence imagining himself as Elvis with a guitar telling Patti she gets him all shook up, as she melts and falls to the floor in love.  In reality, Doug says it a little awkwardly, and Patti appreciates the compliment.  It now gets real close to 6, and they high-tail it home for a delicious dinner, and the episode ends with Doug trying on his new jacket.

After some tight competition, Biker Doug wins as my favorite image. 

Most of us have that grandma, the one who never quite fit into the grandma archetype.  It can go one of two ways, it can be completely stellar, or it could be an annoyance.  I don't have any idea of what kind of tight ass would find it to be an annoyance, because I have a grandma who doesn't fit the grandma mold, and shes quite awesome for it.  My other grandmother fit the description quite well, and the contrast had always been good to me, but because the episode was about Doug's alternative grandma, I'm gonna discuss my alternative grandma.  The first thing to point out about her is that she was from Califonia, but still never learned how to say it correctly, and I guess the Cali attitude stuck with her for her whole life.  From what I've heard (my grandfather on that side died before I was born, and I've been told I'm kinda like him or stuff of that sort) my grandparents on that side of the family were partyers and liked to have a good time.  I have never attempted to argue this as I am pretty sure even with me as a college student, she could drink me under the table quite easily.  At a family party, I was playing bartender and even though I drank quite a few beers, I will still never forget exactly how to mix Seagrams 7 and Diet Coke for her exactly, and I'm pretty sure I got ample practice.  But it's not even just that, I've spent 2 summers at least mowing her lawn for her, and I'll typically talk with her if shes still around, and shes pretty chill, just not quite at motorcycle levels yet.  So yeah, there's another look into my family, and likely some more proof that you are a product of your environment.  Until next time, cheers mates!

As cool of a magazine ad as possible.