Project Yancey: Episode 19: Doug's Cookin'

The ever-versatile cheese sandwich

"Some say cooking is an art, others say it's more like a science.  After today, I would say that cooking is more like an attack from outer space."  These insightful words from Doug Funnie, start this episode as he and Porkchop try to fight off a huge flesh colored blob from covering the entire school kitchen.  A cooking contest in class causes this thought, as Mrs. Wingo decides that for Home Ec. grade teams of two students were going to have a cooking contest where the most delicious and original plate wins (much like Iron Chef, except without an awesome Kitchen Stadium and a crazy Japanese host.)  Upon hearing this news, the girls of the room all cheer, and once they are done doing so all the guys boo, and Roger says "hey cooking is for girls!"  Roger obviously isn't the only one who thinks so in that class, and that may have been one of the most objective comments he has ever made.  As Mrs. Wingo reads off the team, the only three teams we hear, are probably the only three that are interesting at all.  First, she calls Skeeter and Bee Bee, to which Roger asks if they are gonna make a Wedding Cake (from now on that becomes an off and on running subplot for the rest of the series), which amazes me because Roger has already made two comments that you don't immediately think to yourself that hes a total ass.  The second  team read off is Doug and Patti!  This comes after it is revealed via daydream that Doug can make a mean grilled cheese sandwich, and after the teams are named it is revealed Patti can't cook.  As they are making plans to practice at Doug's house tonight, Roger chimes in again, this time asking if he can be the baby since they are playing house tonight (this comment is beyond creepy, I won't even try to express it.)  And finally the last team is Roger and Mrs. Wingo, serves that bastard right.  As Doug prepares to have Patti over he searches for a recipe, but the only cookbooks he has are variations of grilled cheese, so Porkchop suggests (by miraculously morphing himself) to ask Mr. Dink.  Since he just purchased a [very expensive] computer chef and diet manager thing, named for Julia Child (My first ever Simmons-esque aside: I don't know if anybody else finds this interesting, but Julia Child was 6'2", that's the same height as a deceptively tall John Candy, and Mickey Rourke is only 5'11".  I randomly find this kind of stuff interesting and could look for hours, just try out www.celebheights.com, you will find yourself spending a lot more time than you think looking at people's heights.)  But anyways, after Julia insults Mr. Dink's eating habits, Doug decides to try to make a carrot cake with Patti.  As expected, Patti massively fails at cooking, and they don't even reach the point of putting it in the oven.  Discouraged, Patti starts spinning a basketball on her finger and a commercial comes on featuring a pizza chef spinning the dough on his finger, the coincidence in the air is nearly palpable at that point.  So the cooking contest starts, we see Bee Bee bossing poor ol' Skeeter around (who are we kidding he's lovin' it, those two lovebirds were made for each other), Mrs. Wingo has to monitor the students so Roger is basically left alone to ruin their banana pudding, and Doug and Patti have things go well and Patti even tells Doug they make a great team. Long story short, Roger tries to ditch his crappy banana pudding, crashes into Doug and Patti, Pudding goes on pizza, Doug and Patti feel like its over, Skeeter catches up and tells them people love their banana pizza, they win, Doug goes home a happy camper because Patti said they make a great team (first team, later couple... maybe.)

She was 6'2", thats amazing!

I wouldn't call myself a chef by any stretch of the imagination, the extent of my cooking knowledge is putting something on a cookie sheet at 375 degrees and let it sit until it looks about right.  But don't hate on those methods, the foods that I can make turn out really good, and I am sometimes clever about mixing foods together and having it work out.  So while I acknowledge that I really need to learn how to cook, I'm usually too lazy to actually put time into caring about how to cook, which will likely come back to bite me in the ass when I do need the skill.  So since theres not really much to talk about, I'll acknowledge that I've worked at a grocery store for 4 years or so as of now, and I'm gonna discuss some of the more strange/disgusting foods I have happened to stumble across.  First I must mention chocolate whipped cream, to put it bluntly, I can't see that being put on anything without looking like something from "2 girls 1 cup".  Sorry if you have had this product and enjoy it, but I'm sorry its the only thing i can think of when i try to see what that would look like.  Another similar product I've seen is canned pancakes, this is pancake mix in a can similar to what whipped cream comes in and apparently is released in the same manner, this just seems really weird to me and I don't think I would be able to try it out.  I also don't want to understand what people do with the chicken gizzards and hearts that I see purchased at a much higher frequency than I would have ever otherwise guessed (yes, they sell pretty well).  But it isn't all bad things in the realm of strange foods, many of the random strange ethnic fruit look really good, and even in the case of the Ugli fruit (yes that's the name on the sticker), which looks like an orange with a tumor, they are delicious nonetheless.  The last food, which isn't really strange at all but I've always wanted to try is bison meat, I've heard many times that it is great but I've never bought it.  Maybe when I learn how to cook I'll become a bison specialist.

I think you see my point.

Project Yancey: Episode 18: Doug's Doodle

Operation Wingo (not to be confused with Project Yancey) is underway, secret agent Doug Funnie, is on the job, and successfully puts together a pretty funny ripoff of James Bond movie introductions.  As he uses a grappling hook to climb to the top of the school he tells us what is at stake, the entire mission and two-thirds of his Social Studies grade, this is surely a dangerous mission, but we are reassured when he claims Danger is his middle name.  Any Doug fan knows this is a lie, and a lie he immediately fesses up to by pointing out his middle name is Yancey (I really hope everybody already knew that's where the title "Project Yancey" came from, but if you didn't there it is), and Porkchop zooms by him up the wall making him lose his control and hang from the rope.  We will accept his next comment that Danger is in fact his nickname, because he is swinging from a rope at what he claims to be 50 feet, and he starts wondering about how he got in this situation [cue flashback fade].  It was Doug in class, and instead of doing his work, he was making a masterpiece of a doodle of Mrs. Wingo, making sure to hide it as she walks by.  It's now that Mrs. Wingo asks for the students to pass in their essays, and Doug gets excited he gets to see and talk to Patti.  Completely smitten by Patti, Doug passes in his essay along with the doodle he forgot he was hiding below it.  Once Doug realizes this, things get rough and the daydreams take over, first taking us to Funnie family dinner being interrupted by a crying Mrs. Wingo in the form of his doodle asking why he did this to her.  It is at this moment I think Doug completely snaps, the world around him disappears and a swirl of colors takes over as he thinks to himself she will never know if he just plays it cool.  It is ironically right when he thinks this that Mrs. Wingo asks about who turned in a paper, which Doug confesses to before Mrs. Wingo is able to say the paper is an essay entitled "My First Pair of High Heels" and doesn't have a name on it.  Doug gets completely and utterly embarrassed, but still can't take his mind off of what will happen when he gets caught.  Now realizing he can't play it cool he concentrates on trying to get the picture back, the first being that opening the window will cause a tornado in the room allowing him to snatch the doodle from the air, reality is much different because he stepped on Roger's foot who steps on his foot, and this causes a Mrs. Wingo to notice them and he couldn't open the window.  So Doug's next thought is Mrs. Wingo will put him in stocks in the middle of town 1800s Salem Witch Trials style, as he is harassed by his classmates.  Doug finally thinks of a decent idea, seeing a classmate reading a Smash Adams comic (James Bond/ secret agent spoof), and thinks about being able to come into the school after hours and take it back (a cutscene finishes the opening sequence.)  But Doug quickly realizes that Mrs. Wingo will see it before school is over, and goes to the next secret agent method, flatter the lady and take the picture when she is too flattered to pay attention.  Doug awkwardly attempts to hit on Mrs. Wingo in a sequence that is so awkward you almost need to put your face in your hands, and actually speeds up the process by knocking the papers over and the top one is his drawing.  Mrs. Wingo asks the class who did it, and Boomer's reaction makes her think he did it so she assigns him detention.  Realizing himself nor Smash Adams could let Boomer take the blame, Doug admits it's his drawing and takes the detention.  During detention Mrs. Wingo shows Doug the other doodles of herself shes gotten from students and asks him to sign his picture to put it into the gallery, and once Doug thinks hes off the hook, hes asked to clean all the desks, ample punishment.

IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE! Haunting...

I am admittedly not an artist, and have no talent for doodling pictures at all, especially of teachers, but that doesn't mean I haven't had two much similar circumstances.  The first came during my high school journalism class, when a case of boredom led me to search for pictures of my teacher on Google Images (perhaps the best site on the Internet), and I found a picture of him from many years passed.  Not only was he making a silly face, possibly from drunkenness, but the bald teacher we had all come to know and love had magnificent long blond locks of hair and my friends as well as myself were utterly stunned by this wonderful picture we had found.  The first thing I did was find a picture of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, and make a collage on MS Paint of how Fergalicious this teacher was by pasting his face on Fergie and drawing a few hearts around him and later set it as my class computer's desktop background.  To take it to the next level, my friends convinced me to use the common journalism e-mail address to send the picture to him.  He saw this in class and found it quite funny so we all laughed about it and had a good time.  The second time was a little more devious.  The professor of an Engineering class I took had a habit of asking "is this clear?" about 30 times in a two hour class.  The excessive use of this phrase caused me to use my computer (and trusty old MS Paint) to find a picture of him and a crystal, and jokingly put a quote bubble asking "Is this clear?" (By the way, the crystal was in fact clear so the answer is "Yes".)  I also proceeded to use a personal E-mail address to send it to everybody in that class at that time, and before the end of the class I was actually able to look around class at other students who had found it funny too, and some even posted it as their desktop backgrounds.  I later heard another student from the class used that picture in a class presentation.  It was my first every work submitted to the public domain that was actually used.  I will show the pictures below but to attempt to conceal the identities of both myself and those involved, I will black bar their eyes out (as if that actually works.)

High School Art.

College Art.

Project Yancey: Episode 17: Doug Needs Money

It's I Need Money!

This episode teaches us a few great lessons and none are much better than the first one we learn right off the bat, playing softball/baseball in your backyard is never a good idea, it's just too small.  We get this proof when Doug smacks one, but it leaves his yard and happens to land directly on Mr. Dink's custom grill that was modeled to look like his face.  After realizing what they have done, and after Skeeter does a great impression of Mr. Dink saying the grill was "very expensive", they start to think of what they are gonna do about it.  Their first idea is to just tell him about it and apologize, but upon seeing Mr. Dink brought to tears when he sees the grill is broken (right before his big cook-out), they second guess themselves because Doug daydreams that he will turn into an angry green monster when he hears they broke his grill.  This leads to an attempt at plan B, this would be to start their own business to make enough money to buy a new grill.  Since children don't have a lot of possible jobs (outside of beat-down sweatshop jobs in third-world countries, but I don't think they thought of that) they decide to start their very own car wash company in Doug's front yard.  Obviously this plan fails as they got only one customer in Dale, who pays with bottlecaps (this isn't the Capital Wasteland buddy!)  So they decide to try cliche child job number 2, raking leaves.  They finish their first yard, Skeeter's, but Dale ruins them again by jumping in the leaf pile and messing it up before they are able to get their pay.  This discourages them enough to give up that ill-conceived plan as well.  Once they think things are going bad, Mr. Dink drives by and chats with the two of them, and gets reduced to tears when he thinks about his grill, things just got worse.  In a last ditch effort they try to split up and use each of their own personal talents, Doug and Porkchop walk dogs, and Skeeter blows balloons for little kids, these also don't bring in much cash.  When thinking about their business model, they realize they have made -$9.50, so they cut their losses and decide to confess to Mr. Dink.  The confession is a little awkward, but definitely heartfelt, and even though he is clearly a little broken up about the loss of his grill, Mr. Dink appreciated their efforts to work to try and get him a new grill, and decided not to turn into a green monster and kill them, but rather they were going to do some odd jobs for him and they would be even.  The first of these odd jobs was to make the burgers at his cookout, which goes strikingly well, so honesty and a hard day's work pays off in the end as it should.  Doug and Skeeter are (kinda) off the hook.

Rakin' in that cash-money!

Oh jeez, I've had a pretty bad history with breaking people's stuff.  I put a hole in my friend's wall before on accident, I've broken a light bulb at another friend's house, and I'm sure that I've had many other instances in which I have accidentally destroyed things that don't belong to me.  But the most notable, and recent happened last year when I was a major factor in the destruction of my friend's refrigerator.  It wasn't as hard as it seems because he was letting my roommate and I borrow the fridge for they year, but it didn't make it that long.  It all happened after a long night of drinking, which is definitely the worst night of drinking I have ever "experienced," quotations added because it was the only time I've gotten to a level of inebriation in which I was unable to recall the events of the night past.  The last part I remembered was being unable to put a key in a goddamn hole, so I had to walk to the pizza place to find my roommate to unlock it for me (yeah, I know that's bad.)  Fast forwarding to the next morning, my phone was busted up because I likely vomited on it, and lets just say there were non-refrigeratable items in the refrigerator. These items made using this fridge in the future undesirable, so I threw it out.  For multiple reasons that has been the worst day of my life, a day I hope will never happen again.  I'm still trying to make it up to my friend, whether he thinks it or not, I owe him.  Even if it means I will never live this down (and I won't).

I didn't mean to ruin you :(

Project Yancey: Episode 16: Doug's Big Catch

Call him Ishmael, nah, just call him Doug.  But he is helping Mr. Dink to catch his proverbial "White Whale", a fish affectionately named Old Chester.  A monster fish Mr. Dink caught years ago and had stole his wallet, he has been trying to catch him at the big Bass-Off Contest at Lucky Duck Lake.  Doug finds this very exciting, so he agrees to be Mr. Dink's partner at the contest and partake in some '"fish warfare", which Doug imagines to involve a submarine (and unfortunately doesn't.)  Next thing we know, it's the day of the contest and Mr. Dink came well prepared with all the gadgets he could get his hands on, so while hes taking the long time to load his boat, he asks Doug to go get some hot dogs for the two of them.  At the hot dog stand, Doug gets warned by Roger and his goons about crazy ol' Mr. Dink and his mythical Old Chester.  Doug tries to sneak back to Mr. Dink's boat so nobody would notice, but you can tell he also has some real doubts about continuing this quest.  Mr. Dink knows people think hes crazy, and not being one to leave a crazy man to himself, Doug doesn't turn back when Mr. Dink gives him the opportunity.  But as soon as the contest begins, the excess of equipment in the boat seems to be too much and the boat sinks into the lake.  Right when Mr. Dink decides to call it quits, Doug thinks to make a makeshift fishing pole from a stick, a shoelace, a safety pin and some gum, and starts fishing off the deck.  Shortly after Doug finds something is tugging at his line and calls Mr. Dink over to give him some help.  Lo and behold, they have pulled up the famous Old Chester, complete with his 3 fins, but he is notably smaller than the stories made him out to be.  But realizing he just enjoyed the thrill of the hunt, Mr. Dink decides to let Old Chester go, and he even got his wallet back!  But the wallet was missing $3 he had in there years ago, the chase is back on.

It's official, Mr. Dink has gone totally bonkers.

Back where I'm from we never had any urban legends of this sort, so I never spent my childhood days chasing after a potentially fictional creature (even though my brothers and I did make up an imaginary monster named Meatloaf that lives in our backyard to scare our younger cousin.)  I was also never much of an outdoorsman, so I've been fishing only a handful of times, and none of those times were particularly entertaining or memorable.  So I figure this would be as good a time as many to discuss the act of me being a guy, chasing after girls I find particularly appealing (a little bit of a stretch, but its the discussion of my own big "catches").  I will be the first to admit that my methods are very flawed, I am a shy kid so I wait around to meet people, and hope that fate will drop the chances of a lifetime on my lap.  Every once in a while this actually works for me, and when that happens I like to think I am more than competent as a sweet talker.  If I have a bread and butter, that is it.  Throughout my years of life, I've become charismatic, and have a pretty good personality that highlights the positives in myself, as well as pointing out the positives in whomever I'm speaking to.  Thanks a key point though, I know my weaknesses and either avoid them completely or make jokes about them (another strength of mine), because it isn't worth trying to be insecure about your weaknesses, from an Incubus song Smile Lines, "Insecurities are about as useful as trying to put the pin back in the grenade."  So even though I started by saying my methods are flawed, I've only pointed out one flaw, that is because it is a huge flaw and relies almost completely on circumstance.  But there is one more big ol' flaw, the fact that everything I've said is purely how I feel about myself, and I cannot say with any confidence that a majority, if anybody, will even agree with my on any of those points.  So there's another entry that gets you all into my head a little more.  I hope you enjoy the insights, and just to let you know there is gonna be a streak of good ones ahead!

Sweet talkin' like these freshly made pastries.  Tasty!  

October Means Playoff Baseball

Hello Everybody, I'm gonna take a break from Project Yancey for a day or two because I want to talk some baseball.  If you hadn't known, the 2010 season just ended and we are heading into the postseason, which is basically the only reason (outside of Halloween) October exists.  I won't write my ideas about the season yet, I'm planning to do so after the World Series has been wrapped up, but I will say this was easily the most enticing and amazing season since 1998 which was easily the pinnacle of baseball from my childhood.  So for my playoff preview I am going to rank all of the 8 playoff teams in the order of likelihood they will win it all, and will try to relate each of the teams to a baseball movie that I may have specifically liked.  (Note: I am going to try not to put any bias into this being a Braves and Red Sox fan, but please forgive me if it gets in the way.)

Rookie of the Year
8. Atlanta Braves
See, I'm proving my lack of bias by claiming my personal favorite team has the worst chance of winning and is thus the worst of the teams.  My reasons for saying so is that I've watched them a lot and they really sputtered into the playoffs, coming down to a virtual must-win situation in game 162.  They have really been slumping lately (you really need more than one guaranteed starting outfielder to succeed in the playoffs), and had a terrible time for the injury bug to bite (breakout star infielder Martin Prado is out, and starting pitcher Jair Jurrjens is questionable).  But there are three reasons I see for why the Braves can be scary. First, they still have Tim Hudson, and Derek Lowe and Tommy Hanson have been pitching really hot lately, mixed with a very good bullpen they could do well in a short series.  Secondly, never underestimate the "do it for the skipper" psyche, with legendary manager Bobby Cox calling it quits at the end of the year.  And lastly, the reason I adorned this team with it's movie, Jason Heyward is an electric player who seems to come in in the clutch a lot, and has been playing quite well in the last month or two.  Yes, I would vote Heyward for my Rookie of the Year over Buster Posey, but I'll discuss that in the future.  Go Braves!

The Rookie
7. Cincinnati Reds
The Reds were amongst 2010's darlings, nobody expected them to do so well this year, or even challenge the Cardinals for their reign of the N.L. Central.  Except I did, I specifically went out of my way to say on Facebook on February 1, that the 2010 Reds had the talent and potential to be the 2008 Rays.  Why did I say this, they have a very good young team, with a talented outfield, and a rapidly emerging superstar in Joey Votto.  Yet they also really benefited from the veteran presence of Shortstop Orlando Cabrera (he always manages to get to the playoffs) and Third Baseman Scott Rolen.  With a starting pitching staff that I think was good enough to make it to the playoffs but not do much more, they may go home only a little later than their norm (especially since they face the Phillies in the first round).  Having said that, the 2008 Rays did have the postseason emergence of David Price, and if push comes to shove, I would watch out for Cuban defective Aroldis Chapman to come up huge with his 105 mph fastballs, much like the title character, he is a flame throwing rookie who had to go through some crazy stuff to get there.

Angels in the Outfield
6. Texas Rangers
Their angels in the outfield come in the form of Josh Hamilton, Nelson Cruz, Julio Borbon, and sometimes Vladimir Guerrero (usually the DH though).  In my mind this is probably the most frightening outfield that doesn't have anybody named Either or Kemp in it.  It is definitely an understatement to say this team can score runs, also having Ian Kinsler and Elvis Andrus in their lineup.  They seemed to slide quite easily into the playoffs winning the A.L. West despite having the worst record of a playoff team, albeit by only one game.  I think this team has the potential to be really good in the playoffs but theres perhaps one red flag too many.  First, I don't know what to think of their pitching staff, I love Cliff Lee and C.J. Wilson, but those are easily the worst 1-2 pitchers for any team in the playoffs other than the Reds.  Second, Josh Hamilton is just now getting back to playing after missing nearly a month in September, and since he is probably the A.L. MVP, I'd like to think a lot of pressure rests on his shoulder (but probably less pressure than fighting off drug addictions and getting your life back on track to become the player people thought you were supposed to be after being a first overall pick in the draft.)  Also I don't know why, because I have never really watched them, but I feel like they are shaky defensively, and that's not good when you play the Rays.  But the Rangers are a feel-good team and I hope to see them do well.

5. San Francisco GiantsBad News Bears
I'm gonna jump to the point here, I don't understand how this offense wins games.  Their outfield seems to be comprised of guys who are playing well above their heads, and 3 of their top 4 outfielders weren't even with the club at the beginning of the year (Pat Burrell, Jose Guillen, and Cody Ross).  The infield has seen renaissance years from Juan Uribe and Aubrey Huff, but also saw a decline of their young superstar Pablo Sandoval AKA King Fu Panda AKA The Round Mound of Pound AKA this generation's potential Tony Gwynn.  In all fairness their catcher Buster Posey likely has just as good if not a better resume for Rookie of the Year as does Jason Heyward, but I'm biased and Jason Heyward is a phenom.  I will tell you why this team will in all likelihood beat the Braves in the first round though, neither have notably powerful offenses, but both have rather good starting pitching staffs.  I personally do feel that Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain (who I feel is VERY underrated), and Jonathan Sanchez are talented enough to keep them in any game, and they just seem less likely to give up runs than the Braves pitchers who are really good, but just short of that level (which is not an insult at all, Lincecum won the last 2 Cy Young awards.)  So in the end, the Giants look moderately good because the fact this is not 1998 and the MLB is transitioning into a pitcher's league once again.

The Natural
4. Minnesota Twins
I like the Twins, I like them a lot.  They have a roster that makes you sit there and wonder how good they could be, especially considering how well they played the second half of the year without former MVP Justin Morneau.  They have everything a team needs to succeed, some good young talent in Delmon Young, Denard Span and Danny Valencia, some good veteran players in Orlando Hudson, Michael Cuddyer, and Jim Thome, and most importantly arguably the best player in the league.  Joe Mauer (a bonifide natural talent) is one of the most important players in baseball, hes a terrific catcher defensively and offensively does things that catchers are never known for, consistent hitting, just for that he deserves to be a perennial MVP candidate.  Beyond that, I like their first two pitchers in Francisco Liriano and (moustache of the year nominee) Carl Pavano.  Mix that with a capable relief core, and the Twins can be extremely dangerous. Don't you dare let them sneak under the radar like they seemingly did all season.

3. New York Yankees61*
They are ranked above the Twins basically because they are the Yankees and that franchise really does have some magic for better or for worse.  The team is comprised of the whores of baseball, where money is the only important things.  The few players I feel are not whores, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Robinson Cano are really enough reason to believe a team to be good though.  Considering that the rest of the team is the best players money can buy (get it? get it?) they really are as good of a team as you can get on paper.  But note that I named this section after the movie 61* based on the 1961 season of Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle, which is such an endearing and great movie that my fandom to the Red Sox did not get in the way of enjoying it.  This title made sense to me beyond the fact it is a movie about the Yankees, but it relates because throughout the movie Whitey Ford is the only pitcher you notice or it possibly even mentions, that is a very good description of the 2010 Yankees pitching staff.  Sabathia is a likely Cy Young winner, but beyond him, they may need to be scoring a lot of runs.  Knowing how much pitching has always meant in the playoffs, this seems like a recipe for disaster unless something special happens, again this franchise has seen special things happen so I barely rank them above the Twins, but they are gonna play an even series.

Major League
2. Tampa Bay Rays
Major League is a movie in which the worst possible team is assembled because the owner wanted to sell as little as possible to move the team elsewhere, and when the team starts playing well they find out the team will be broken up to start from scratch the next year.  This is incredibly like the Rays, except for the worst possible team part, this team was expected to play this well, but that didn't stop Tampa fans from not showing up to games (note Florida is the world's largest retirement home so I can't blame them cause they legitimately cannot leave their rooms to go to the game), and finding out toward the end of the year their team will be broken up because the owners don't have the money.  So never underestimate the last hurrah mentality for these guys to want to win one for the memories.  Beyond that, this is a great team, Evan Longoria and Carl Crawford are both incredible talents and the rest of their offense are special players for their own reasons.  They are as good as anybody at playing small ball, and that is always an advantage when you can end up in low scoring games.  I'll also point out that David Price would be my Cy Young vote, and Matt Garza is capable of winning any game, as well as the rest of their starters being very capable.  Factor in Rafael Soriano entering the "best closer in the league" debate, and Joe Maddon knowing how to manage a game, the A.L. is theirs to lose.  (Last wrinkle, they have home field advantage in the ALDS and ALCS, I shudder at the thought of a ALCS game 7 in a nearly empty stadium.  It's simply depressing.)

1. Philadelphia PhilliesMajor League 2
After the same team from the first Major League sees extreme success, and become one of the better teams in the league, they get comfortable where they are and lose track of how they got there.  This causes them to start off with issues but eventually find their stride at the end and go into the playoffs with a lot of momentum.  As scary as it is, that's a perfect description of the Phillies after being in the last 2 World Series (winning one of them).  They finished with the best record in baseball, and have virtually no weakness.  They have 2 former MVPs, Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins (even though he is hurt a little), the best second baseman in baseball by a longshot in Chase Utley, and the rest of their starters are, at worst, good players.  Their top 3 pitchers Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels are experienced and as good as anybody in the leagues (even though I feel like Hamels is overrated), and their bullpen is competent (okay maybe one tiny weakness).  I've watched them play the Braves in recent days and they are clutch as a team can get, and don't make mistakes.  It will take a quite good series to knock these guys off, and being a Braves fan, I hope someone does.

Movies I'm sad I didn't get to mention: Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, The Sandlot, Eight Men Out, and A League of Their Own.

Project Yancey: Episode 15: Doug on the Wild Side

This likely won't become a habit, but this piece needs a little bit of mood music, here's a song I've always liked.

Doug's Grandma Opal is coming to visit today, but Doug immediately tells us she isn't quite a normal grandma, even though he sometimes wishes she was.   Once Doug finishes imagining what that would be like, we hear Grandma Opal outside the window making sounds reminiscent of the clown from Happy Gilmore (he beat that clown alright).  Naturally whenever a grandma comes to visit, she must come with gifts!  She gives Doug a white Elvis style leather jacket (I think is pretty ballin) but Doug doesn't like it and imagines that if he wore it he would be apprehended by the fashion police (run by Roger and Beebee.)  It's now that Grandma Opal decides that Doug should give her a tour of Bluffington, and it is up to him to make sure they get home by 6 o'clock sharp for dinner because grandma doesn't believe in watches.  We now find out the best thing about Grandma Opal, she drives a motorcycle!  And this is also great because it cues a daydream in which we get to see badass biker gang Doug.  One of their first actions is to go eat lunch, but not before Grandma Opal befriends a big bad biker guy named Bubba, by showing him some pictures of her grandkids, and Bubba thinks that's pretty far out.  They finally stop at Stuff Your Face Sushi (a candidate for worst named restaurant ever) for lunch, and Doug gets his first introduction to Japanese culture.  He finds out what chopsticks are, and that sushi is raw fish, even making him imagine that his food is going to start begging him to not eat it.  It takes Doug being reminded of the first time he tried ice cream to try the sushi, and he can't wait to tell Skeeter he ate raw fish for lunch and liked it.  Now we reach the pivotal moment of the episode, they happen to stop by Patti at the library and grandma notices immediately Doug has the hots for her, and tells him to tell her she looks nice today, this spawns two really really good cutscenes.  The first is apprehensive Doug presenting every guy's nightmare, complimenting a girl to have her bitchily respond "Oh! So that means I don't look good OTHER days!" or something along those lines (which is a completely illogical response but it's frightening nonetheless.)  The next is Doug with a little confidence imagining himself as Elvis with a guitar telling Patti she gets him all shook up, as she melts and falls to the floor in love.  In reality, Doug says it a little awkwardly, and Patti appreciates the compliment.  It now gets real close to 6, and they high-tail it home for a delicious dinner, and the episode ends with Doug trying on his new jacket.

After some tight competition, Biker Doug wins as my favorite image. 

Most of us have that grandma, the one who never quite fit into the grandma archetype.  It can go one of two ways, it can be completely stellar, or it could be an annoyance.  I don't have any idea of what kind of tight ass would find it to be an annoyance, because I have a grandma who doesn't fit the grandma mold, and shes quite awesome for it.  My other grandmother fit the description quite well, and the contrast had always been good to me, but because the episode was about Doug's alternative grandma, I'm gonna discuss my alternative grandma.  The first thing to point out about her is that she was from Califonia, but still never learned how to say it correctly, and I guess the Cali attitude stuck with her for her whole life.  From what I've heard (my grandfather on that side died before I was born, and I've been told I'm kinda like him or stuff of that sort) my grandparents on that side of the family were partyers and liked to have a good time.  I have never attempted to argue this as I am pretty sure even with me as a college student, she could drink me under the table quite easily.  At a family party, I was playing bartender and even though I drank quite a few beers, I will still never forget exactly how to mix Seagrams 7 and Diet Coke for her exactly, and I'm pretty sure I got ample practice.  But it's not even just that, I've spent 2 summers at least mowing her lawn for her, and I'll typically talk with her if shes still around, and shes pretty chill, just not quite at motorcycle levels yet.  So yeah, there's another look into my family, and likely some more proof that you are a product of your environment.  Until next time, cheers mates!

As cool of a magazine ad as possible.

Project Yancey: Episode 14: Doug Gets His Ears Lowered

Ahhhhhhh RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, IT'S GODZILLA A HAIRCUT!  That's basically how we find Doug this week, with a daydream where he is running for dear life away from some scissors that are trying to cut his hair.  After this daydream we find Doug in the mirror realizing that he's allowed his hair (8 hairs to be exact) get too long and hes due to get it cut, but the problem is he hasn't found a barber shop in Bluffington yet.  He's been used to the personal flair of Big Al's Barber Shop his entire life, and has always loved the wait he had his hair cut, so hopefully he could find someone else just like that, but we are gonna find out it isn't always that easy.  Once Doug leaves for his quest for a barber he talks to Mr. Dink, who had also had his hair cut recently (the traditional Bozo the Clown cut) so he recommended his [very expensive] barber shop to Doug, who begins to walk in the direction to check it out.  But before he gets there he thinks better of it and fears that his hair will end up like Mr. Dink's (not flattering) and runs into Skeeter and later Judy, the latter of which is also going for a haircut and shows him to the place she is going.  First of all, this is Judy's hair place, secondly it's named Slash, Burn, and Curl, so its not hard to see that this wouldn't end well for Doug.  He goes in anyways, but after seeing all the weird hair styles in there he had to bail before Judy could introduce him to her barber.  When he goes outside he meets back up with Skeeter, and Skeeter suggests he tries the place in the mall, Hair Today Gone Tomorrow, and it would be perfectly fine as long as he doesn't end up getting his hair cut by Fluke.  After a short wait it is time for Doug to get his hair cut, and he is seated next to none other than Patti Mayonnaise (who is reading a magazine entitled "Perm", suddenly everything makes sense), but by some accident he ends up with Fluke herself!  It doesn't seem so bad at first until Fluke proves her name is completely indicative of how she ended up on Earth, and starts telling Doug he needs a perm, highlights and mousse, none of which would fit.  Doug again feels the need to bail as that situation was getting out of hand, and Roger (who was making fun of Doug for a few minutes, but his appearance seemed a little forced) happily takes the spot, obviously not knowing Fluke's reputation.  So Doug is alone again on the search when he happens to run into a nice barber, who offers to give him a haircut for free since he would be the first customer at his new shop, Joe's Barber Shop.  After having his hair cut perfectly, Doug tells the barber he reminds him of Big Al from Bloatsburg, who coincidentally enough, is Joe's cousin!  So Doug managed to find a new Mr. Sweeney (anybody else wonder if this is a nod to Sweeney Todd?) to cut his hair, and all is well.

World's greatest highlights, courtesy of Fluke

For most of my life I've maintained the same hair style, and usually am pretty cyclic about getting it cut on a regular timeline.  I have also been accustomed to going to the same little place back home, and found the chain places (such as cost cutters and super cuts) are horrible, but I'm pretty simple so as long as you can not leave me waiting too long and buzz my head correctly we won't have any problems.  This leads me into talking about how I've had my hair cut since being at college, since I could no longer conveniently go to the place back home.  My freshman year was interesting, I decided to grow my hair out just to see how it looks long, I believe I went approximately September to the following May without a haircut, and only got it cut because of a previously stated promise.  It managed to grow to about 5 and a half inches long at least, and looked very reminiscent of a helmet.  It was both a total mess and a complete burden to me, and I will never go that route ever again in my life (no wonder my freshman year of college wasn't exactly successful in the dating realm, I looked like a total dork.)  So after finding out my friend was not single any more, and getting tired of the emo hair flip, I consulted my friends and got a haircut from none other than one of our local foreign students who had never cut hair before.  It didn't end up looking completely horrible, but I did get a few comments from my dad about it looking quite bad, and I went to the barber shop to get it fixed up once I got home.  I have since then never allowed my hair to even get to the point where it is visible to myself.  I think that is likely for the best for both myself and the entire world around me.  Having said that I would be willing to hear out new hairstyles anybody thinks would look good on me so tell me if you have any ideas (warning: if you say fauxhawk I will hit you).

I didn't look nearly this cool with that hair, it was most like Paul's for the record