Project Yancey: Episode 29: Doug Vs. The Klotzoid Zombies

School just got out for the day, and our Doug Funnie and his pal Skeeter decide to get a shake, but before they leave for it Skeeter is summoned by Roger, and tells Doug that he can't go get shakes because he already had plans to go to Roger's house.  Doug is determined to do something that afternoon, so he next turns to BeeBee and Chaulky who are walking by and asks if they would like to listen to his new Beets tape.  Chaulky definitely seems like he wanted to, but BeeBee covers his mouth before he can say yes, and politely declines Doug's invitation.  They walk off toward Roger and Skeeter, and Doug also sees Patti join up with them, leaving Doug by himself.  A confused and disparaged Doug then turns to Porkchop and Quailman to help him kill some time, so lets delve once again into the world of Quailman.  In this world we find ourselves discovering how talented Quailman is at mini-golf, and shortly afterwards discover Mr. Dink is acting stranger than usual.  Well this can't be anything too strange given that it is Mr. Dink afterwards, yet things take another turn for the odd when Quailman and Quaildog ask for beet shakes at the concession stand only to be told they only sell Zombie Chips.  Being called a loser by three of his good friends, Quailman returns to his Thicket of Solitude to lick his wounds and analyze why his friends have been treating him so badly.  Well, luckily enough, once he finishes that thought he sees a commercial on television with Dr. Klotzenstein advertising the very Zombie Chips all of his friends have been snacking on lately.  What I found the most odd was that Quailman wasn't able to figure that out before.  But since he finally did put two and two together, Quailman flies as quick as he can to the set of Dr. Klotzensteins show "Wheel of Snack Food" to confront him.  Using the power of television, Dr. Klotzenstein manages to get Quailman into being a contestant on "Wheel of Snack Food" where he is spun around on a giant wheel while the entire crowd screams that he is a loser.  Having gotten Quailman away, Dr. Klotzenstein continues his plan to turn everybody into his zombies, a plan that will fail as soon as Quaildog uses his "quail tail" to reach for the lever to throw on the brakes and save our heroes.  As quick as you can feed everybody in a moderately large television set, Quailman gives everybody beets and they turn back into their normal selves.  After writing this story, Doug sees the parallel to his own life and decides to go to Roger's house to confront him about why he stole his friends.  Expecting a confrontation, Doug shows up at Roger's trailer and oddly gets invited inside.  That is when it is revealed that Roger has been planning and hosting a surprise 1 year anniversary party for Doug in Bluffington with all his friends!  And this touching moment is where this episode ends.

He wants the Greasy Puffs!

My friends apparently don't like me enough, because I have never had a surprise party before in my life.  I have only been invited to one surprise party in my life, and that was because it was for my parent's 25th anniversary.  But I will say that was quite an experience.  Not expecting much out of that night, I decided to try to get my drinking quota out of the way the night before (a night which very well may end up getting it's own story), but this night turned out to be quite interesting as well.  First of all, my parents didn't even know I was in the state, let alone my grandma's basement.  So being a double whammy on my parent's surprise party was pretty cool in the first place, but later on in the party I was playing bartender.  I probably broke a couple of personal records on that night, and probably had a conversation or two that were better off not being said, but it was tons of fun.  It was quite a spectacle to see all my parent's friends from throughout the years getting drunk and being merry, all while I myself was getting drunk and merry.  Sure being driven about 3 hours while hung over and kind of wanting to throw up the next morning wasn't the best experience I've ever had, I would say that it was very well worth it, and surprise parties are good in my book.

Now get out of my face you filthy animal!

Project Yancey: Episode 28: Doug's Got No Gift

Being the classy guy Doug is, he knows that Patti has a birthday coming up and he saved up his money for a few weeks to buy her gift.  He found himself at the mall and still didn't know what he was going to get her, that is until he chanced by the sports store and saw the Official Multi-Ultra-Maxi-Pro Tournament Beetball!  And he had enough money for it!  But this is when Doug shows that he is a regular guy after all, Skeeter, the true buddy that he is, spots Doug from the arcade and he just had to make sure Doug tried this new game Bag the Neematoad.  Doug shows himself to be quite skilled at this game (well he does have real life experience), add in a few words by Skeeter and Doug was instantly hooked on playing the game until he was able to get his name on the high score list.  I would like to thank the writers for this reference coming up because no child would ever be able to pick up on it, but Doug goes into a daydream where he is getting out of a limo to go into a concert hall to play Bag the Neematoad, which would seem really weird until you notice the background music is slightly reminiscent of Pinball Wizard by The Who, and it turns out the daydream is a direct homage/spoof of the Pinball Wizard scene from The Who's rock opera Tommy.  With a vision like that and a crowd cheering him on, it is no surprise that next thing he knows Doug has no money to pay for Patti's gift anymore (but he did get DF at number 49 on the high score list.)  Dejected by his idiocy, Doug sits on the side of the street like a goon, and the Dink's hear his plight and invite him to Mr. Dink's workshop to build a gift for Patti.  Although Doug's original idea to build a glider seems to hit a snag when he doesn't have neither the material nor the expertise to build it, he ends up deciding that he would be able to find a suitable gift in making a towel rack.  After the long night of work, Doug shows Skeeter his towel rack, and I don't know which got him more confused, trying to figure out what it was when he saw it, or why Doug would give Patti a towel rack.  It's fine for skeeter because it seems everyone else at the party shared the sentiment, with Roger even referring to it directly as a "monstrosity".  Per the norm life decides to throw some salt on Doug's wounds before his moment of judgement comes, as Patti opens everyone else's gifts to find she had received some cool beetball (for the record Chaulky got her the Official Multi-Ultra-Maxi-Pro Tournament Beetball so one of the two would have looked stupid anyways getting her the same gift).  After a few beetballs have been opened and Doug decides he would rather look like the ass who didn't give a present than the kid who gave a bad present, Patti opens the present and to everyone's surprise thinks it is great as she doesn't see it as a towel rack, but as a beetball caddy!  Oddly, Roger was the only one who did see it as the towel rack it was.  As the party is starting to clear out Patti takes Doug aside for a heartfelt moment as she tells him that his gift was her favorite, by some strange irony she asks him to initial it, I bet that was better than 49th on the Bag the Neematoad high scores.  So as Borat would say "Great Success!"

Hes a Pinball Wizard Bag the Neematoad Master

I sure have quite an experience with playing too much video games, but I have never let it get that out of hand.  When you are as dedicated to something as Doug is to making Patti his girl, you do not let anything get in your way, and if I was in Doug's position I sure as hell wouldn't have spent all my money on a game (I have too many as it is.)  But I will admit that Doug buying Patti a gift for her birthday like that would have been really ambitious, and perhaps making the gift was even more ambitious, so I probably wouldn't have done what he did for even more reasons than the fact that I probably am selfish.  But to get away from any weaknesses in my persona, I would like to point out more good parts of myself for those readers that are so inclined to know.  I guess what I'm trying to say was that Doug came dangerously close to breaking one of the major laws of being a gentleman, but did manage to save himself by doing something much more gentlemanly.  I sure as hell will use this episode as an example to myself if I shall ever find myself in the position where I do not have enough money to be a proper gentleman for the lovely lady that is accompanying me at that time.  But I find that highly unlikely, as even in the life of a broke college student spending a large majority of the year with no income, I have never found myself in a time where I would not be able to pay on a date or anything of that sort.  There have been times where I know I wouldn't have made a frivolous purchase for myself, but I sure as hell had enough money to pay for two people's dinners.  I guess to put a cap on this incoherent rant of mine I will make a declaration of my own.  They say a gentleman pays on the first date, I say only a total scrub doesn't pay on any date (there's always the golden arches, just kidding.)    

The Oriental version of a date with me... Except not really

Extra thought, I'm overdue in using this video so I'm gonna do it now.  If you didn't understand any part of my rambling earlier, please do not hesitate to let out a nice big "REH!"  Allow Super Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time to demonstrate.

2011!!!

Alright, the new year is upon us and what does it mean?  For me, it means a whole lot more of the same thing as always, living my life and doing math.  But for all of you, I suppose this new year means you can read about some of the things I have done over the last year, and possibly some of my ideas for how to improve my life moving forward.  So my first thought was to write a sentence that will sum up each month of the year, so you can see how much things fluctuated in 2010.
January - Getting built up, just to be torn down in fast forward.
February - Just angry at nothing in particular.
March - Shit happening in places out of the ordinary, but the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer.
April - Things are starting to look better and I was reminded I am not a number, I am a free man!!!!

May - You know what, things were swell.
June - Back home, back to normal, but let me hear the Vuvuzelas sing!

Perfect!

July - I think I may have worked too much during July because I can't remember a single thing.
August - Feeling oddly alright with things going on around me, returned to school feeling excited.
September - Back to the grind, but feeling a lot more grown up.
October - BASEBALL!  Playoffs consumed my life.
November - Tons of work to do, but none of it included shaving.
December - Just a whole bunch of weirdness, trying to make any sense of it.

So what are my hopes for this coming year?  Firstly that I make it out alive.  After that I don't have many specific new ambitions, I want to be able to have a good note for each of the months when I write this piece again, or at the very least have more than the 5 or 6 good sentences above.  After that I'll just see what life throws my way and cross each of those bridges as I come to them.  To anybody who reads this and has read any other of my pieces as well, thank you.  I have already had more than 500 views which is much more than I would have expected.  And I encourage you to keep reading and have a great new year.  Cheers.