Project Yancey: Episode 25: Doug Out In Left Field

This is what I'm talking about, the episode kicks us off at a baseball stadium and Patti Mayonnaise being called to the plate.  As she apparently has a batting average of 1.000 (that's perfect for you all scoring at home), she promptly smacks the first pitch for a triple with the worst swing ever (and she also has a foot on the plate so she should technically be out.)  The next batter is Doug, who is announced to be the worst hitter in the league (the only possible parallel is they are the Rays, Patti is Evan Longoria and Doug is Carlos Pena without any power), and he shows why by missing the first two pitches for a quick two strikes.  Doug wonders why Patti only needs help with things he isn't good at when the next pitch blows by him right down the middle, we should assume he was struck out.  So now we return to real life and Doug and Skeeter are at their lockers when Coach Spitz is making an announcement on the intercom that tryouts for the softball team are open to all boys that day after school.  When they get to the tryouts they are promptly turned away along with many others for varying reasons, "negative muscle mass" for Doug and "negative brain mass" for Skeeter. He ends up giving a tryout to some kid in catcher's gear, who turns out to be really good.  When Coach Spitz tells the kid they are on the team and asks for their name, the kid pulls off the mask and reveals the face of Patti Mayonnaise underneath the mask.  Since Patti is a girl he kicks her off the team immediately by telling her to "hit the showers" which he quickly revises to "the girls' showers."  A dejected Patti goes to the bleachers with the rest of the cast-offs and decides the unite them as a team to take on the very team they were trying out for, the Honkers.  When she tells the rest of her band of misfits when practice is gonna be she tells them "I'm counting on you!" and happens to point to Doug who thinks she is solely counting on him.  Their practice the next day doesn't go very smoothly, players are complaining, Doug can't hit, and there was even a stereotypical scene where 3 players converge to catch a ball shallow in the outfield and all give way to the others causing the ball to land safely on the ground.  So after this abysmal showing Doug and Patti talk about it, and they decide they need a way to unite them all as a team.  Right on cue the ice cream man drives by and asks them if they want ice cream, and then continues to ramble about how when you want ice cream you just find someone with a Mr. Swirley uniform (the ice cream man also looks strikingly like Doug with soft serve on his head and if he lived the GTL lifestyle), which makes them think to get uniforms to unite the team.  So Doug is able to scrounge together matching Patti's Pulverizers bumper stickers to put on everyone's backs so they are dressed similarly and feel like a team.  Thanks to the power of being a team, they are able to limit the score so they are only losing 3-1 by the time Skeeter hits a 2-out double in the last inning.  This leaves Doug up with the game on the line, and in his nervousness he forgets to grab a helmet, this is when the magic happens.  Patti tosses Doug a helmet and notices him catch it with his left hand!  She then tells him since he is a lefty he should hit lefty (how did he not think of that), which causes him to hit a double as well.  So now Patti is up with Doug on second and they are losing by one.  She anticlimactically hits a ball hard which is caught on a dive by the other team's center fielder, and they lose.  Because of this showing their team is excited about how close they got, Patti turns down a chance to play for the Honkers because she loves her team and wants to challenge them to play again next week!  The End.

That is definitely GTL Doug working as a ice cream man so he can afford to party.

So this is absolute perfect timing, much like Patti's Pulverizers the 2010 World Series champion San Francisco Giants were also a band of rejects.  Thanks to this perfect timing I am going to write a piece that I decided against when it first happened, so without further ado, I present the 50  reasons its awesome that the Giants won the World Series!
1. Brian Wilson's beard.
2. Sergio Romo's beard. (for a good view of  1 and 2)
3. Edgar Renteria being the MVP despite not starting in the NLCS.
4. Pablo Sandoval being the most popular player on the team despite being benched for most of the playoffs.
5. Buster Posey changing my mind on who the NL Rookie of the Year should be.
6. Aubrey Huff admitting that he wore a "lucky" red thong for all the games from August on.
7. Freddy Sanchez finally getting the chance to show off on the national stage making tons of awesome plays at second base by harnessing the power of a huge mole on his cheek.
8. Juan Uribe having a career year and reminding people that he exists and won a World Series before.
9. Pat Burrell being dropped from the Rays halfway through the year and then winning the World Series.
10. Aaron Rowand being the highest-payed positional player on the Giants and not getting a single start in the playoffs.
11. Andres Torres coming from nowhere and playing great all this year and setting the table many times in the series.
12. Cody Ross for being a 29 year old who is balding and hits homers all playoffs.
13. Cody Ross being the quickest I have come from hating a player (single-handedly beating my Braves) to absolutely loving him (hitting two homers off of Halladay less than a week later)  
14. The fact that Benjie Molina was traded to the Rangers to make room for Buster Posey and ended up playing against his old team in the World Series.
15. Travis Ishikawa's existence (seriously what a sweet name!)
16. Watching the Giant's pitching staff is almost as good as the Shawshank Redemption.
17. Tim Lincecum's hair.
18. Tim Lincecum's pitching.
19. Matt Cain dominating every game he pitched and finally showing everybody that he is a total bulldog.
20. Jonathan Sanchez was expected to be the breakout pitching star of the playoffs but didn't deliver.
21. Madison Bumgarner did deliver.
22. The last 4 players I mentioned will be superstars some day, and were all brought up through the Giant's organization.
23. Barry Zito being the highest-paid player on the Giants and being left off of the roster for the entire playoffs.
24. Barry Zito being reminded how good his curveball used to be whenever he had to watch Cliff Lee pitch against them, who somehow resurrected the famous 2002 Zito curve.
25. Ramon Ramirez being traded from the Red Sox to the Giants after blowing too many games and continuing to blow games.
26. I thought Mark Derosa was going to be huge when he signed with the Giants this offseason, I just remembered now he signed with the Giants this offseason.
27. Bruce Bochy has the world's largest head.
28. The World Series reminded me of 2002 when J.T. Snow saved Dusty Baker's son.
29. They lost the world series in 2002 with Barry Bonds and then won in 2010 without Barry Bonds.
30. This hopefully will mean San Francisco Giants and Barry Bonds won't be synonymous anymore.
31. Willie Mays's catch from the last time the Giants won a World Series (they were the New York Giants).
32. At&T Park is the third most beautiful stadium in sports (under Fenway Park and Wrigley Field).
33. Guys sit in canoes in the San Francisco Bay behind AT&T Park just hoping to get a chance to get a ball.
34. AT&T Park has an area where people are allowed to watch the game for free for three innings behind a chain link fence in the right field wall.
35. This probably caused the first parade in San Francisco in at least a decade that did not involve gay pride.
36. The Giants aren't the Yankees
37. The Giants aren't the Phillies
38. For the second straight year the World Series winner decline their option on the World Series MVP.
39. A Black and Orange team won the World Series the day after Halloween.
40. A team who's fans held up signs that said "fear the beard" won the World Series on the first day of No Shave November.
41. I properly used The Bad News Bears as my movie connection for them.
42. I had them ranked 5th in my playoff rankings (wasn't that bad.)
43. I wrote that I didn't understand how there offense wins games, and I'm still not sure.
44. Nolan Ryan is 63 and still throws 86 mph fastballs in a suit! (Okay sure that's about the Rangers' president but it is still amazing!)
45. Their World Series champion shirts were awesome! (see picture)
46. Nobody expected them to even make the playoffs as recently as late August.
47. They almost had to play a 163rd game to even make the playoffs.
48. They only stood a chance to make the playoffs because the Padres hit a 10 game losing streak and showed me a sports equivalent of the X-men movie trilogy.
49. Brian Wilson is now one of my favorite baseball players despite my massive bias against closers and mohawks.
50. This picture only exists because the Giants won the World Series. (see below)

Brian Wilson, Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain... Magical