Project Yancey: Episode 27: Doug's Secret Song

I haven't written one of these in more than a month, and I should be ashamed of myself!  But even after our long hiatus I was able to come back into Doug's Life and not only find him with his trusty old banjo playing his secret song about Patti.  The song's secrecy takes a major hit by Skeeter coming out of nowhere and telling Doug how much he loved the song (joking?).  Skeeter is a good friend so he agrees not to tell anybody about Doug's song, and then proceeds to start singing it as they walk down the street to some undetermined location.  As they pass Mr. Dink's house they hear loud sounds and think he is in trouble, but it turns out that he was just playing a video of him doing some kind of karaoke, which sounded like the painful moaning of some serious injury.  His video was recorded at some place at the mall, which contrary to typical Mr. Dink fashion, it was very inexpensive, so Doug and Skeeter decide to give the place a visit so they can have something to do.  Instead of watching the two of them walk to the mall, we are instead treated to a wonderful 90's rap video about Doug wanting all his sexy ladies to give him a call sometime (it is awesome.)  When they get to the mall the video making place is packed with familiar faces, before going in to record his video, Doug sees Mr. Bone, and I'll ruin the surprise but he also sees Patti when he gets out.  But before we get too ahead of ourselves, we need to see what Doug does for his video.  In his little booth we find Doug, Skeeter, Porkchop, his banjo and some awesome white leather jacket that I suppose he borrowed from the store.  A nervous Doug continues to sing his secret song on video, while hiccuping, which we should assume will turn out to be completely horrible on tape.  Now the meeting with Patti happens, where she would easily win the award for least aware person on earth, as she doesn't notice Doug or Skeeter standing directly in front of her talking loudly until about 2 seconds after Skeeter says "Hi Patti" right to her.  As they get their videos, Patti informs Doug and Skeeter that she is going to an "up all night" party at Bebe's house.  This doesn't become anything of interest at all until Doug and Skeeter try to watch Doug's video and find they received Patti's video, which has oddly good editing and multiple angles, neither of which seemed possible in Doug's booth, we are left to assume he got the shaft.  Doug amazingly remembered this party, and they high tail it there to try and prevent the "up all night" party from turning into an "up all night and laugh at Doug" party.  Trying to be cordial and go to the front door to ask to switch the tapes, Bebe's stuck up butler (stuck up butler!?!) sends them off saying no boys are allowed.  Their next idea almost works, but when they send Porkchop in he gets detected, but instead of getting tortured like Doug thinks will happen, he starts dancing and playing around with them.  It is right when Doug and Skeeter climb the trellis in front of Bebe's window (terrible foresight on her father's part) that they see Porkchop dancing, and Patti decides it is time to put on her video.  But moments before Doug is able to decide that his life is, in fact, over, he sees that Patti was playing Mr. Bone's video, so she doesn't have his video at all.  And after Doug once again avoids a terrible inconvenience to his life, we are treated to the embarrassment of Mr. Bone playing Doug's video to his yodeling club, hilarity ensues.

Yes Doug, I am as confused as you are.

So I am not ashamed that I have many times written songs about the girls that I have liked in my day.  Many (if not all) of these songs have gone by the wayside, and a vast majority of them have been in notebooks that have since been thrown out.  I have older brothers, so having self written songs that you have spilled your heart into is never a good idea.  The ones that remain were the ones I have written since I went to college and had my own computer that is passworded and I know how to hide my files and folders correctly.  So for all those girls that go to school for me, you may be reading one of my songs specially written about you (but I highly doubt it, because of the ones I found to have moderate quality it has been quite some time since speaking with either of them.)  If you haven't picked up on the content of the last sentence, I will be displaying two of my self-written songs that I have found to be of at least mediocre quality.  For those who actually read my articles, rather than look at all the pretty pictures, this is a fantastic time to give me some feedback and feel free to comment any thoughts you have on my songs, I bet some of you know what I was feeling when I wrote these.  This first one, which I called "Repetition" is the more recent of the two, it dates to Summer 2009, while the second dates back to the preceding fall.


Repetition

The winds of change whispering in my ear,
but I can't understand I just cant hear,
as the world proceeds to pass me by,
you come on back for another try,
and I'm sucked in a hole and I just cant leave,
there are no more tricks hidden up my sleeve,
and as I try to talk my way out,
I begin to see what the voice was about.


and we cant keep on living this way,
cause some things gotta change and some things gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

Day 2, I'm walkin' down the street,
melting down in the summertime heat,
I catch a scent that's hard to place,
and everywhere I look I see your face,
my minds going wild what should I do?
'Cause I'll go crazy if its really you,
and over and over by no mishap,
I fall back down to the same ol' trap.

'Cause history repeats day by day,
and we cant keep on living this way,
cause somethings gotta change and somethings gotta give,
to give us all that reason to live.

I just wanna quit and run away,
do anything to make it okay,
but there's no escape your always there,
to catch my foot in your snare,
once again you got me caught,
in the same old mess that i brought,
and as the dilemma continues to grow,
I'm left wondering if you even know.

Clearing Haze

Smoke clears out from a burning room,
inside still floats the smell of her perfume.
The sight inside I can't behold,
as all of the world begins to unfold,
the truth lies asleep on the floor,
an unmistakable sight once through the door.

And seen clear as light through the haze,
her ashamed and apologetic gaze.
loneliness extends for miles down the hall,
as the hearts of the bystanders fall,
into the infinite valley of being self-aware,
as the whole world freezes right there.

No action, no words, no sound,
the images destroy the ties that bound,
the face that once gave so much life,
stabs the depths unfathomed by any knife,
deeper and deeper with every passing tick,
heartstrings bending make me sick.

She gets up and the moment has passed,
simultaneous with the sound of life collapsed,
shock, awe, sickness, depression, pain,
losing all in the world there was to gain,
appeasing lies once again flood the air,
and for the first time there's nobody to care.

Top 10 List! Favorite Youtube Videos!

I love top ten lists.  I love Youtube, it is perhaps one of the best things the Internet has caused to happen, and one would be hard pressed to name many more entertaining things out there.  So I would like to salute Youtube and it's quality programming by listing my top ten favorite Youtube videos out there.  This list will by no means be a definitive list, as I'm sure I will both forget videos and I will find more videos to take the lower ones' spots, but this is what I can come up with now.  The rules for this list are gonna be that I will only allow one video from any series of videos, no professionally done work (meaning no movie clips or official music videos), and no clips that got famous before the advent of Youtube but ended up there anyways.  So with that done, here it is.

10. Bed Intruder Song
This is why I stipulated that there be no "official" music videos on my list, because this is technically a music video, but was released specifically for Youtube audiences so I will allow it.  Let me note that this probably should be higher on the list, but I decided to put it on at number 10 because I care about you!  Yes, I care about you, the readers, and I put this as early as I possibly could to let you have some great reading music.  I hope you enjoy this video and song, and even if you don't I guarantee within the hour you will be subconsciously singing it to yourself.  My advice, applicable to regular music too is to not try to fight the infectious catchiness but to embrace and enjoy it.  I would also be willing to recommend any other video my Auto-Tune the News, especially the Double Rainbow song (the original Double Rainbow video barely failed to make this list... Damn I spoiled it).

9. Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot
If you watch this video and don't find it all that entertaining, you are not alone.  I was so completely baffled by this video and how it was able to ascertain so many views when I first discovered it.  But luckily this is why I was able to find and linked to a version of the video that plays the video on loop 5 times in a row, because the more you see this video the more entertaining it becomes.  I really wish I was in that news studio when it happened so I could know exactly what happened here.  Was Arthur completely stoned off his mind that he had to register her comment before laughing?  Did he not find the joke all that funny, but the teleprompter told him to laugh so he sarcastically did the goofiest laugh he was capable of?  Was there something inherently funny or interesting about the jacket itself?  Why does Arthur's jacket say "TV" on it?  Is this a local report or is this national Haiti broadcasting?  And finally, where is Arthur now and is he okay after the earthquakes?

8. MORTAL KOMBAT!!!!!!
Sure the description and the title of this video suggest that this video is, in actuality, an early teaser for a new Mortal Kombat (which is amongst my favorite video game series by the way) movie.  But I am not going to give this the benefit of the doubt and I will declare it, for now, just an extremely well produced and well acted Youtube video (ignoring the fact the guy who plays Jax was in The Dark Knight).  This is a little late, but I figure most would assume from the name, but this video is really violent and graphic, do not watch if you don't enjoy violence.  Personally, I am a fan of the Mortal Kombat brand so if this is indeed a trailer for an upcoming big screen film, I will be there the first day, but the fact this video kicks total ass isn't bad either.  Having said that I will have total biases against total characters and want to see two things should this be made into a complete movie.  First, they need to accept the fact the Moral Kombat creators have always seemed to favor Sub-Zero to Scorpion, so Sub-Zero needs to get the last laugh in that fight.  And secondly, they introduced Baraka into the mix, so I will be completely ripshit if there is not a single Kung Lao versus Baraka fight, as that is one of the most secretly cool rivalries in the Mythologies.

If this battle isn't included, I will be disappointed

7. I'm the Juggernaut Bitch

If you are a Youtube video, and you eventually get referenced in a big budget movie (lets ignore the fact X-men 3 was complete garbage) you are probably one of the best videos ever.  The best part of this video is that it likely is what the X-men cartoons would have been if it was the intention to make the most ghetto and offensive superhero cartoon ever.  The entire video is based upon them all being pimps, hoes, rapists and the Juggernaut, who is somehow a collection of all of the above.  If you know not to take a single second of this video seriously, it is one of the funniest and fun to quote youtube videos made.  It is hard to see this video and then do anything impressive or badass and not want to claim "I'm the Juggernaut bitch!"  Also to not be forgotten are also "I like your raincoat," anything talking about your "pimp cane" or one of my personal favorite quotes is Wolverine's only line "Hey what up?  How 'bout I take this shit off, y'know

6. Leprechaun in Alabama

I enjoy crazy news clips on Youtube, this video is a gleaming example, and will be used to represent crazy news clips in general, which should not be allowed on this list because they were not originally made to be on Youtube.  This is my favorite news clip on the site for a few reasons, first the fact that the premise of the video is completely ridiculous.  Second, the people they interview and the things they say are completely ridiculous.  Third, "Who else see the Leprechaun say YEAH!?", " Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" *extremely satisfied smile*.  Fourth, the "amateur sketch", I mean seriously?  Fifth, the guy who had the right idea and wanted to uproot the tree cause "I wanna know where the gold at!"  And lastly, I love this video because of the reaction you see from the newscasters after the clip is over, which is more or less "Did we really have nothing better to be showing today?  A story about a Leprechaun?  A FUCKING LEPRECHAUN?"  This will forever go into the annals of time to be amongst the worst cases ever seen of investigative journalism.

5. Demarcus and Chang

Even though it is a few seconds longer than the previously mentioned "Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Gonna Be Hot" this video has probably the highest comedy density of anything on Youtube.  Running a short 30 seconds long, this video first spoofs cheesy introductions for daytime talk shows by having probably the best and most stereotypical music for a daytime talk show.  BE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE THIS COMMENT.  But it also proves something to you that you have likely wondered for a long time but never bothered to ask anybody for a truthful answer, nor have probably shown the tendencies to make someone realize it, but you are indeed a racist asshole.  But it doesn't show you this to insult you, but rather to make you notice that you are likely not alone, and as long as it isn't violent, it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  They exploit the fact that we do all stereotype, and obviously we see an Asian guy and a black guy, and we see the stereotypical names on the screen, what else are we to assume.  I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even occur to most people ahead of time that the names could be assigned in the manner the video shows them to be.  So much respect to Demarcus and Chang (if those are your real names!) to come up with such a clever video and to release for all of us to enjoy.

4. How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps
This is one of the few videos on Youtube that is infinitely accessible.  You will be able to relate to this video if you have ever been in a long term relationship, known someone in a long term relationship, have once heard about someone in a long term relationship, or have just in one way or another thought about the concept of a long term relationship.  Everybody knows that in any long term relationship the breakup is never the end, and there is still much to go before you eventually fade out of each other's lives (don't argue me on this one, it will happen without fail.)  For example, someone once told me that 94% of relationships that start in the summer before you start college go as following.  You date over the summer and things go well, you separate at college and things don't go as well, you break up during Columbus Day weekend, then hook back up during Thanksgiving break, and eventually break up just after New Years, and then let it go.  This video is basically the same concept except for the grown-ups.  I completely love this video, love the maker's dry humor, and love the way he draws the pictures as he describes them.  I completely suggest to everyone to check out more of the videos from his "Tales of Mere Existence" series, and most notably his second best video (which is just as sarcastically true) "What Would Penis Do?"  Also worth noting in this video is the "Happy Valentines Day (snicker)" found in the video's description. 


3. Drinking Out of Cups
Ignoring all the different theories regarding the source of the audio, this is easily the most ridiculous video I have ever seen and completely love it for that reason.  The entire video just shows an animated lizard in various scenery, ranging from the woods to under the see, and he is just spewing verbal diarrhea the entire time.  But this isn't just any verbal diarrhea, it is perhaps the most amazingly quotable thing I have ever listened to in my life.  Throughout my life I have been able to apply lines from this video to my own life and although most of the time it is followed with a blank stare, it is endlessly entertaining to myself.  I am now going to make a list of things that you will never be able to regard in the same way due to this video, lizards, knots, cups, balloons, walkways, floors, chairs, lighthouses, towels, seahorses and seashells.  So for the good of yourself, and everyone around you, watch this video if you have not seen it and spread the wealth.  There is no way you will regret it.

2. Rejected
So there are two things about this video that probably should have kept me from putting it on this list, first I have already linked to it before and I wanted to talk about videos that I hadn't had the chance to talk about yet, and secondly, this video was nominated for a mother fucking Academy Award.  The latter should instantly make it invalid for this list, since I did say "no professionally done work", but you know what?  Rules were meant to be broken and there is no better short film ever made that I should break this rule for.  So to discuss this video, I am going to point out that it is the perfect blend of the two videos that preceded it, it has the gritty cartoon style of "How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend in 64 Easy Steps" but instead of using it to convey a message of complete sarcasm and truth, it is used to convey a group of circumstances that are even more ridiculous and random than "Drinking Out of Cups."  The best part about the fact that it fuses these two videos together is that it does better than each in their own game, this video is nearly perfection.  It amazes me that there even exists a video that I could hold in higher regard than I do for Rejected, but since it is only ranked at number 2, and there must be a number 1, there is a video that I clearly do hold in higher regard....

1. Unforgivable

If you have never seen this video before it is unforgivable, and it is even more unforgivable if you don't like this video.  If anybody ever asked me to explain the point of Youtube to me, I would simply send them a link to this video.  It is merely a black man in the woods with a few of his friends and a video camera, what ensues is pure unedited and extremely vulgar genius.  The pure quotability and excess of hilarious situations and things that are said is amazing in this video.  It leaves me completely speechless, and I wouldn't be able to do it justice anyways, just watch it and enjoy.  Also it wouldn't be a bad idea to watch any of it's sequels either.

Too many Honorable mentions to name...